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Original poster

Help! Accidentally locked DP's bank account (snooping for evidence of cheating) what now?

131 replies

thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 11:31

I've given up challenging DP on whether his (IMO) suspicious behaviour is because he's cheating. He's either a wrongly accused man, or he's lying through his teeth. Either way it was getting me nowhere so I decided to do some snooping instead.

Only it's all gone wrong, I feel like such an idiot. Sad

I tried to log into his bank account. But I got the password wrong (or he's changed it) and now it says account suspended!

Shit!

Is this temporary or will it still be suspended when he tries to log back into it?

FWIW I also bought a card reader but that didn't work Angry.

I'm not willing to confront him (again) without some actual evidence this time - but perhaps this has forced the issue and I'll have to.

I'm at a loss - I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
waterrat · 02/03/2011 12:46

And I suggest some personal counselling for you as well to really look at your boundaries or lack of in relationships - and how your own family life growing up has impacted on that.

KazBarTFG · 02/03/2011 12:46

Niceguy2

Sorry the exclamation marks are there to show the joke....obviously I wouldn't even do that in the first place....

doesn't transpose on here sometimes....

portaloo · 02/03/2011 12:50

I used to delete all my texts/call lists/ emails etc etc because I couldn't be arsed with the suspicion and grief that came when he saw them.

If I explained any situation he was suspicious about, he wouldn't believe me anyway, so what was the point. I deleted it instead.

Maybe your DP feels this way, that he wants to avoid raising your suspicions??

Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 12:51

waterrat, thank you for your insightful post.

"I think you haven't fully moved forward / dealt with the issue of the condom. " I agree completely

"Why not sit down with your partner - and say that while you don't suspect him of anything in particular, you have realised that you have not properly recovered from the condom incident. ie. you wanted to forgive him but actually it really has affected you in a deep way - and the two of you need to get back to basics."

I've done that, three times now in the last year or so. It's ended feeling like the air's been cleared but then something else happens which blows me off kilter, the most recent one being the last weekend.

However I think you're right "He needs to know that the situation is not mended - and the two of you need to work at this together."

I do love him, and if we are going to have a decent future this does need sorting.

I am so scared of poisoning it by the kind of jealous behaviour mentioned above though (if I'm wrong about my suspicions).

The last time I was suspicious about something I didn't mention it for this reason - I wasn't sure and so I didn't want to accuse him again. Instead I decided to look for evidence, and here we are. Sad

OP posts:
lint · 02/03/2011 12:52

If you're going to deny all knowledge I wouldn't clear all the browsing history just the history relating to the bank. Being locked out of a bank account is fairly common and he'll easily get a new password - don't worry about it.
Just out of interest, why don't you wait a while and then suggest you both swop passwords so that you can do simple payments for each other and see if he has anything to hide.

Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 12:54

portaloo I think you are getting the wrong impression of me. DP has loads of female friends (and male friends too!), I have no issue with him having close female friends - he sends them texts with kisses / tells him he loves them etc. I think it's lovely he's such a warm person. (FWIW I am the same with my friends - male and female too before anyone says they think this is evidence of cheating - it isn't!)

I can't think of what text he would have that I would have a problem with, other than one that was arranging infidelity!

OP posts:
PelvicFloored · 02/03/2011 12:56

thisisnotmyideaoffun, don't beat yourself up for snooping. I know people on here frown on snooping, but so many women have found out that their partners have been unfaithful through snooping and wouldn't have known otherwise.

I would tell him what you did and why. See what he says.

portaloo · 02/03/2011 12:56

I feel for you then OP, if he was 'arranging infidelity' but I couldn't be in a relationship such as this, so I will leave this thread now because there is nothing I can add that would be useful to you or that you want to hear. Sorry. Sad

aurorastargazer · 02/03/2011 12:57

i think you may have misunderstood the op's last post portaloo

Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 12:58

I suppose perhaps he could be talking about me to a friend (or not about me at all but just something private) - in which case he had every right to make that private, and I guess this could be a reason to delete.

But then why delete your phone calls? Why would you do that?

OP posts:
Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 13:01

portaloo there wasn't one that was "arranging infidelity" I was just saying that in theory that was the only kind of text I would have a problem with.

FWIW I appreciate your posts. I think sometimes people are too quick to jump in and say "dump the bastard" when in fact a bit of self-examination might not go awry. I really don't think I'm a controlling jealous person, but I think it's right to stop to check!

OP posts:
Boobz · 02/03/2011 13:01

I was going to post similar to what waterrat has said - you need to sort out the condom thing before you can go any further.

I remember your other thread, and like you, felt you were getting a right royal shouting at when actually I could completely see where you were coming from. You love him, you have a DS together - how can you be so quick to kick him to the curb without concrete proof of this new (possible) infidelity? But actually, it's not really about the latest one, is it? It's about not really having regained trust after his first fuck up, and until you sort that out, EVERY weird thing he does will feel like he's cheating (making you feel shit on an on-going basis).

So sit and talk to him: tell him you feel crap but you don't want to feel like that any more and that he has to help you trust him again.

Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 13:05

Thanks Boobz, I think you're right.

I need to have a think about what will make it a different chat this time from the last few times. It's so hard to get DP to talk about what he feels. (Not impossible - but takes effort).

OP posts:
aurorastargazer · 02/03/2011 13:05

i agree with boobz

Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 13:06

Sorry I didn't answer your earlier question straight away BTW, I was a little scared you were going to jump in with the "just dump him" stuff!

OP posts:
waterrat · 02/03/2011 13:10

I know how poisoning jealousy can be - I have suffered it myself, and in my case, it would eat me up when there was no reason for it to be there.

The solution for me came with a year of therapy, I really unpicked my life and looked back at where my anxieties and insecurities came from. But part of the solution was also that I realised I was attracted to unreliable men, who then confirmed my beliefs that I couldn't trust anyone!

The problem is that your jealousy was triggered by a real incident - and if the betrayal came out of the blue then you will always feel on edge, knowing it could happen again.

Therapy of your own might help with all of this - but that might involve looking in a very cold clear light at your partner and what has drawn you towards him - and facing the truth about him and whether he really is a reliable man. He may be lovely in many ways but fundamentally can't be trusted to be faithful - if you accept that then you will have to choose whether to stay or go.

And perhaps rather than more reassurance, what you really need from your partner is to get to the bottom of why he was prepared to cheat on you. It might hurt to hear it all - and apologies if you have already been through all that, but for your sanity you will need to know what is different about now and why it couldn't happen again.

MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny · 02/03/2011 13:11

FWIW thisisnot, I delete everything practically everyday from my phone, calls and texts, and I am separated from my H and have nothing to hide, as I am single, and have no worries about having anything to hide from anyone.

Re the bank, I don't know what to suggest. Come clean, or just say nothing, but I wouldn't fabricate anything. I don't personally like tit for tat behaviour but you have every right to be as secretive as he if he is doing it to the point of making you so insecure.

But I am sorry, living like that must be hellish.

FuppyGish · 02/03/2011 13:13

my dp and i had some trust issues. It drove me to the brink of insanity, I was constantly trying to catch him out/looking at his texts/pc etc, made myself really ill.

It started because he lied over something and I found out. After that I thought he was always lying.

It dragged on for a couple of years and then we had counselling. It was actually WWIFN on these boards that helped though.

I talked to DP and we discussed all the 'he that has nothing to hide hides nothing' stuff and came up with a new way of communicating to help me regain trust.

If something made me feel paranoid or uneasy I told him. If he thought something was making me uneasy he asked me about it. He stopped 'hiding' his phone and instead if he got a text message/call threw it to me to answer. He was totally open about everything. As time has gone on (3 years now) it has got better and better. Occasionally we have a hiccup but we talk about it.

Thing is I suppose this only works if your dp isnt actually cheating.

EmmaBGoode · 02/03/2011 13:15

My dp and i had some trust issues. It drove me to the brink of insanity, I was constantly trying to catch him out/looking at his texts/pc etc, made myself really ill.

That is my life now. It's tortuous. I wouldn't wish this on anyone Sad.

talleyrand · 02/03/2011 13:16

"close female friends - he sends them texts with kisses / tells him he loves them etc"

oh, well, mystery solved - those would be the type of the messages he's deleting from his phone then.
There's not much point looking for evidence if you've already seen it.

How many lovers does he have?

Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 13:16

"what you really need from your partner is to get to the bottom of why he was prepared to cheat on you. It might hurt to hear it all - and apologies if you have already been through all that, but for your sanity you will need to know what is different about now and why it couldn't happen again."

I agree totally. He dealt with it very badly at the time - first of all trying to wriggle out of it by lying and then only when he knew he'd been caught, admitting it. But we never talked about - really - what was going on in his mind.

When we talked about that time more recently (not specifically in relation to the condom thing) he said "I was a different person then" but again we didn't talk about what he really meant by that.

He really doesn't want to talk about his feelings at all, but until he does, this isn't going to go away is it?

OP posts:
Boobz · 02/03/2011 13:17

S'alright - I only found your thread yesterday and then posted on it before I realised it was 6 weeks old.

There are times when I think women are nutters for staying with their DP for the things they have done to them, and they do seem to be in denial. But there are times when everyone gets on the "dump him" bandwagon when I think people forget that a) we don't know all the answers based on what the OP has shared, and although this is an anonymous internet forum, there are real people with real lives behind it, and families with kids that can ripped apart if everyone upped and left their relationships every time someone shouted "leave him!", and b) it happened to me once. I posted about something with my DH (not infidelity, and nothing bad on his part actually - just that we differed on something quite fundamental) and again people said "call it a day - it's not going to work!". The fact I have 2 DDs under 2 with him and love him to pieces, and vice versa, seemed to have missed people's radars..

So I know how you felt on that thread.

That's not to say I think your DP is innocent. Without knowing your DP, I'm not sure what to suggest in terms of phrasing it in a new way.

Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 13:17

MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny why do you delete your call lists? They don't take up any space.

OP posts:
Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 13:19

"talleyrand" that kind of post isn't helpful.

I send texts with kisses on them to my close male friends and I can assure you I'm not sleeping with them!

OP posts:
Boobz · 02/03/2011 13:22

waterrat is very wise.