Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! Accidentally locked DP's bank account (snooping for evidence of cheating) what now?

131 replies

thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 11:31

I've given up challenging DP on whether his (IMO) suspicious behaviour is because he's cheating. He's either a wrongly accused man, or he's lying through his teeth. Either way it was getting me nowhere so I decided to do some snooping instead.

Only it's all gone wrong, I feel like such an idiot. Sad

I tried to log into his bank account. But I got the password wrong (or he's changed it) and now it says account suspended!

Shit!

Is this temporary or will it still be suspended when he tries to log back into it?

FWIW I also bought a card reader but that didn't work Angry.

I'm not willing to confront him (again) without some actual evidence this time - but perhaps this has forced the issue and I'll have to.

I'm at a loss - I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
talleyrand · 02/03/2011 12:27
  • say nothing. he'll write it off as one of those odd things that happens on the internet
  • if he does challenge you with IP address etc tell him you were trying to log into your own bank account, and kept putting in your own password until it froze. D'Uh!

quit snooping this way - he's obviously quite adept at hiding everything, you won't catch him like that..

No, you will have to be more opportunistic - watch his phone like a hawk and if he ever leaves it unattended for any period at all suddenly remember that you HAVE to go to the shops urgently to get something, grab your handbag, you keys, your money and - completely accidentally - his phone, and rush off in the car...

Leave your phone behind ... so he can't call you with a reason why you need to be at home urgently...

TheSleepFairy · 02/03/2011 12:28

If my partner tried to hack my account I would be concerned about my own behaviour that has led my partner onto doing it.

Just deny it, if he is up to something he may well realize you are on to him & not say anything to you about it.

Not a healthy way to live though.

madonnawhore · 02/03/2011 12:28

OP I don't want to make you feel bad but when you come on here panicking about having snooped and accidentally blocked your husband's bank account and you're buying card readers to spy on him then that is a sign this situation is getting out of control.

I will fully support you in making rational choices, but I feel I'd be being negligent if I didn't at least point out to you that the path of action you've chosen is going to be very detrimental to your own wellbeing in the long run.

It's not healthy for you to be like this and he is making you this way.

I really do feel for you but I won't encourage you to pursue this line of crazy action when the more scary but far more preferable approach would be for you to tell him his behaviour is making you desperately unhappy and you want to sort it out. Starting with him being honest with you.

Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 12:28

If your partner hacked into your account given the history I mentioned would you forgive them?

I want to move forward but I'm worried about poisoning things.

I think maybe I need to be cards on the table honest and just hope for the best.

OP posts:
zikes · 02/03/2011 12:28

Ohhh if you used to know the password, just do the lying thing - say you needed the account for a bill or something innocent and reasonable - and fucked up the password.

aurorastargazer · 02/03/2011 12:28

you're welcome Smile

talley - if he remembers his own number, wouldn't he just call his phone?

Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 12:30

"How do you know he deleted his text list and call lists?" because I looked at it, and that's what I found.

OP posts:
zikes · 02/03/2011 12:30

But this is not a healthy way to live, and you need to look at relationship or individual counselling imo.

dignified · 02/03/2011 12:30

Dont panic about the password , ive regularly locked myself out of on line banking by putting the wrong password in. Ive rang the bank and they just send you out a new password , no ones ever asked me why or how it happened or mentioned ip addresses.

Next time he trys to go on , he,ll put the password in and it will say suspended , he,ll probably think hes put the wrong password in , if he mentions it just act how you normally would. Dont tell him.

You say you dont want your relationship to be based on lies , but really , it already is. You cant get much clearer than taking a condom to a works do . Saying that , i do understand your need for proof , and considering that i wouldnt say anything , letting him know your onto him will only make him more secretive.

I think you have the right to snoop if hes not being straight with you , he doesnt get to keep you in a marriage where he has the right to fuck about and lie to you .Id consider installing something on his pc , you can download this sort of stuff for free and he wont know its there .

Niceguy2 · 02/03/2011 12:32

The signs are not good other than the condom which you say you've forgiven but clearly not forgotten (understandably).

So given what else you've posted, I agree with the others that have said that the trust is gone and therefore so is the relationship.

Do you REALLY want to live like this until one day he gets tired of being unjustly accused or you find the smoking gun?

Either way its over. It's just a matter of when now.

madonnawhore · 02/03/2011 12:33

"Either way its over. It's just a matter of when now."

This, basically.

Nagoo · 02/03/2011 12:35

I wouldn't say anything, but fess up if he asks you.

It would really hurt me if my Dh didn't trust me to this extent.

get rid of the card reader. Don't let him know you've done that.

If he's not secretive about emails, phone, facebook then he's unlikely to be cheating, is he?

What were you hoping to find out from the bank? You are not going to know if he is fucking someone from work in the car park, there won't be any evidence on the bank statement will there?

If he's not talking about 'feelings' to your satisfaction, is it him, or do you need more than the 'normal' amount of reassurance?

Would he go to counselling? He might feel able to talk in a controlled environment where you aren't going to fly off the handle (if you do do that?)

dignified · 02/03/2011 12:36

I said I was willing to forgive catching him taking a condom to a word do before because he was hugely apologetic, said he had no real intentions to use it etc etc. I know how stupid it sounds in black and white on the screen, but I love the man and decided to forgive him and get on with things.

I think that really , your marriage ended upon discovery of that condom . Did you ever put down some boundarys or get counselling together ?

portaloo · 02/03/2011 12:36

OP, I was in a relationship where my P checked my phone, my emails, my whereabouts, in fact, they checked up on me constantly.
I was doing nothing wrong. I felt controlled and no matter what I said, he didn't believe me.
He seemed to almost want to find me up to no good.
If I objected to him checking up on me, he'd say 'If you had nothing to hide, you wouldn't mind.' 'What have you got to hide?'
As it happens, I had absolutely nothing to hide, but I couldn't live like this, proving myself over and over again.

I was sick to the back teeth of being treated like a cheat when I had done nothing wrong and I ended up resenting being treated like a cheat when I wasn't.

Someone asked before, and I am also wondering...What would be enough proof of his innocence?

Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 12:37

"where you aren't going to fly off the handle (if you do do that?)"

No flying off the handle. We very, very rarely argue.

We're too fucking reasonable if anything.

OP posts:
SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 02/03/2011 12:38

OP you love him but do you respect him and does he respect you?

lying to someone is not respectful behaviour.

checking up on someone is not respectful behaviour.

proper love can't exist without respect. without respect the 'love' we describe is merely chemical reactions, familiarity and need.

perhaps if you really think about it you don't genuinely love him anymore and he doesn't genuinely love you.

i know that sounds harsh but neither of you is behaving in a way that demonstrates love even if your mouths are saying the opposite.

portaloo · 02/03/2011 12:39

How long has this situation been going on OP?

Niceguy2 · 02/03/2011 12:40

It's actually extremely hard to prove your innocence. Which is why in law, we must prove someone's guilt.

But I agree Portaloo that it does smack of controlling behaviour and I've no doubt if the situation were reversed, there'd be post after post of "Dump the controlling bastard"

Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 12:40

portaloo I have also been on the receiving end of one of those relationships and I agree it's horrible.

In my defence - he has been caught at least thinking of cheating (armed with a condom) - I've never been the jealous type in previous relationships.

I want to be able to trust my partner, not to have to know where he is at all times.

"'If you had nothing to hide, you wouldn't mind.'" I agree that's total bollocks.

OP posts:
KazBarTFG · 02/03/2011 12:41

thisisnotmyideaoffun

if you're desperate, get someone (a male who you trust) to contact the bank in his name - but you better be ready with all the answers to the security questions!!!!

Alternatively - say nothing, this sort of stuff happens all the time and your partner will just have his account reactivated.

Does your dh know that you know his login details? Do you have the same bank? Could you feign stupidity and say you've incorrectly tried to log onto his bank thinking it was yours and input your passwords etc....resulting in him being locked out?

Does that make sense....

Disclaimer...I have never tried any of the above things in my quest for knowledge Wink

Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 12:42

"How long has this situation been going on OP?" 18 months at least (my memory for time is not great).

OP posts:
portaloo · 02/03/2011 12:43

What did you think you might discover when logging into his bank details? And if you had discovered what you were looking for, what would you have done with that information? Would it have been conclusive evidence?

Niceguy2 · 02/03/2011 12:43

Jesus KazBar. If the roles were reversed, would you suggest to a husband that he asks a female friend to commit fraud to find out if her wife was cheating?

Original poster
thisisnotmyideaoffun · 02/03/2011 12:45

"What did you think you might discover when logging into his bank details?" some evidence of cheating of course. If I find it, then I'm out the door.

That was just a whim really. What I really wanted to find out is why he deleted his phone list.

OP posts:
waterrat · 02/03/2011 12:45

oh dear OP - I think you haven't fully moved forward / dealt with the issue of the condom.

Why not sit down with your partner - and say that while you don't suspect him of anything in particular, you have realised that you have not properly recovered from the condom incident. ie. you wanted to forgive him but actually it really has affected you in a deep way - and the two of you need to get back to basics.

You need some proper counselling together and you - the betrayed partner - need to know why he did it, talk VERY openly and be realistic about what your own boundaries are.

'taking opportunities as they arise' - that is horrible! You are his partner, you are entitled to expect to trust him in day to day behaviour - it is NOT acceptable to be open to opportunity.

It sounds as though you are trying to battle on with the relationship, without really accepting how much that betrayal affected your trust.

The snooping will get you nowhere - it will just make you feel shit about yourself. The answer, Im afraid, is honesty and openness about what is going wrong - you can't have a future like this, trying to trap him or catch him. If you can't trust him - you will have to walk away.

He needs to know that the situation is not mended - and the two of you need to work at this together.

Do not be ashamed or feel bad that you dont trust him yet - you were let down in a massive way. But it seems the two of you tried to sweep it under the carpet - and now you can see that hsan't work.