Is it possible to be racist when choosing a partner?

[CuppaTeaJanice]

I was talking to a single friend the other day about dating and choosing partners, and she said she didn't think she would want to go out with a black man. I was a little at this comment as I have never considered her racist in any way, she has many friends from a variety of ethnic groups and I haven't noticed her make any discriminatory comments before.

It got me thinking though - is it acceptable to discriminate when choosing a partner in ways that would be unacceptable when choosing, for example, a friend, a tenant or an employee?

I choose to have a partner who is a man. That's not because I'm sexist, it's because I'm heterosexual. I also choose a partner who has physical attributes that I find attractive - small nose, slim body, brown hair etc. Aside from personality, obviously - nobody chooses a partner based solely on looks, but there has to be some sort of physical and sexual attraction because that's part of a partner's role.

So, was my friend being racist? I think she was being a bit stupid, and may be missing out on a great guy for a silly reason, but if she just doesn't find black skin sexually attractive, is that any different from not wanting a partner with big ears, or red hair, or breasts etc.?

I agree with the fact that it's not really any different from having a preference for any other physical characteristic. Immediately people will think 'racist' because it's to do with skin colour. Nobody ever thinks it's discriminatory if people don't want to date a ginger.

Personally, I wouldn't date a fat person. I don't have anything at all against fat people. Some of my best friends are fat . I'm slightly 'squishy' myself. But I just don't find very overweight people attractive. I'm not 'fat-ist' at all.

On the other hand, I know quite a few girls who will only date those whose skin is a different colour to theirs (in various combinations). That is rarely seen as discrimination against those with the same skin colour.

I think it depends on the reasons. If its just physical attraction then that is just a personal thing that you can't control. If the judgement is based purely on the guy's race or fear of prejudice from others its a different matter.
I have a friend who has just met a new man who she really didn't fancy physically at first, but she agreed to a date and he was such a nice guy and made her laugh so much on the first date she is now seeing him and is quite smitten now.

Never say never I say

if i ever need another wife i think it will be a Thai one !!!!

I don't suppose it's really much different from me saying that my ideal man is(was) a tall, blond broad shouldered rugby playing type.

The man I married is short, scrawny and has dark hair, but I love the bloody bones of him

Well it might be, but if that's the full extent of a person's racism then surely that's nothing to do with anyone ese. Who you date is up to you and as long as you are not needlessly rude when turning down a date, it doesn;'t matter.

I, for instance, won't date anyone who is a practising member of any religion. Superstition puts me off. Someone who reckons their imaginary friend permits them to tell me what to do puts me right off.

I think people are too sensitive about what is racist so you can't say anything without being judged it's a form of racisim in it's self.

In my brothers job (not saying what it is) he doesn't wear a white shirt to work, he wears a regulation shirt (cant call it white ).

He also cant write on a white board or have a black or white coffee (it's a coffee with or without for those who are interested)

This kind of extreme PC behaivour I think makes a joke of racisim and unfortunately we still have a real problem with idiot racist fools in the UK.

Not wanting to date someone in another ethnic goup is not being racist just like me not wanting to date a short man does not make me heightest.

I don't think its being racist, i would be more than happy to date a black man , unfortunatly i'm stuck with dh (who is white).

i don't think it's being racist.
like others have said, it's most likely down to preference of looks than anything.
like, i go for smiles, and definitely skinny over fat, but i don't really think about anything else physically.
I wouldn't date someone just for how they looked, and if i didn't fancy someone's looks, i might still be friends with them. sometimes that turns into fancy, sometimes not.

if she'd made further comments about it, like that she didn't like black people, then yes, racist, but it sounds like it's just an off-the-cuff remark about looks.

I don't think the concept of racism applies when it comes to dating, if that's the only part of her life she applies it to. As others have said, we choose partners for a variety of reasons, many of which could be considered discriminatory if you were interviewing for a job. You wouldn't refuse someone a job just because you didn't like his sense of humour, for example, but if that's something you feel is important, you might well turn down a date. Same with colour, religion, class, all kinds of things. She's maybe being a bit "picky" and might miss out on relationships which would be good, but that's her choice.

SGB - that one's interesting.
i wouldn't turn away a man who was athiest, but ex was a very annoyingly anti-church person, and it used to anger me so much that he couldn't respect my beliefs. they didn't impose on him, but he refused to accept them.

How many of us are with and fancy the pants off someone who is "not our type". My dp is shortish, blonde and wiry. My type is tall dark and hunky. I think to say that you will not date out of your ethnic group is racist because it creates a block past which those hormones can't get past.

it depends. You can tell from the way she says it really. some people have a long, long list of men they wouldn't even glance at. Men are ruled out for having smart shoes with casual trousers.

Is it said in the same way that she'd say she doesn't like men with beards.... I am personally very, very beardist. shoot me.

Nah, the personal isn't THAT political!

I shouldn't really have fallen around laughing at your brother's work terminology, TS, but it reminded me of when the New York Times (I think) installed new anti-racist editorial software. It published a fashion feature about the "Little African-American Black Dress"

To answer your exact question

"It got me thinking though - is it acceptable to discriminate when choosing a partner in ways that would be unacceptable when choosing, for example, a friend, a tenant or an employee?"

Yes it is acceptable! you have to let that person right into your life and it has to feel absolutely right, inside, not on paper. You can't always explain why it feels right or feels wrong anyway. It's more than reasons.

Little African-American Black Dress

Messed that one up, didn't I

I don't know really know but I think if you cannot see the eprson behind the skin colour then that is racist

person I meant to say

Well I always thought I was very discrinatory towards men with wirebrush hair (like Chris Barrie for example) because I found it hideously unattractive.

However DH has that hair, and still married him

Fortunately DS has inherited my thick but fine hair texture

I think you can be attracted to someone even though you may think you dislike a certain physical attributes.

I am going out on a limb and saying that not finding black (or white, pink, green with blue spots) skin sexually attractive is the same as not finding red (or brown, blond or purple) hair attractive.

The would be racist if she treated people with black skin differently and in a more negative way to other ethnicity (sp?). But it sounds like she doesn't!

Discrimination is desirable when choosing a partner - it means being selective. Prejudice, however, is probably never desirable.

Surely it depends on why she wouldnt date a black man? If its because she doesnt find black men attractive that is her choice (and her loss).

But if she wont date a black man because they are all 'pimps, drug dealers, wife beaters and loafers' Then she would be a racist.

of course it is possible to be racist when choosing a partner.

are we all not selective when choosing a partner, and a lot of things go unsaid, we simply do not look at the guys that do not have fwwworr factor at that particular time!

Tangled - I'd say your brother's work are actually being racist. White is a colour, so is black. They are just descriptions which don't have any "value" - his work are treating them as though there is something inherent in "white" or "black" that makes them important, which is the same thing as racists do in assuming that blackness/whiteness is the most important thing that defines a person.

If a shirt is white, then it's white. Nobody is saying that the shirt is better than any other kind of shirt because of its whiteness.

I would say his work place are being fucking ridiculous and it is unlikely they have considered the feelings of any black people. I can imagine the conversation at the meeting 'we better not call the shirt white, you know what the PC Brigade are like, we will get sued', 'yeah you are right, I saw in the Daily Mail that someone got hanged for saying black bin bag'

And so the bollocks goes on and on.