Is it possible to be racist when choosing a partner?

[CuppaTeaJanice]

I was talking to a single friend the other day about dating and choosing partners, and she said she didn't think she would want to go out with a black man. I was a little at this comment as I have never considered her racist in any way, she has many friends from a variety of ethnic groups and I haven't noticed her make any discriminatory comments before.

It got me thinking though - is it acceptable to discriminate when choosing a partner in ways that would be unacceptable when choosing, for example, a friend, a tenant or an employee?

I choose to have a partner who is a man. That's not because I'm sexist, it's because I'm heterosexual. I also choose a partner who has physical attributes that I find attractive - small nose, slim body, brown hair etc. Aside from personality, obviously - nobody chooses a partner based solely on looks, but there has to be some sort of physical and sexual attraction because that's part of a partner's role.

So, was my friend being racist? I think she was being a bit stupid, and may be missing out on a great guy for a silly reason, but if she just doesn't find black skin sexually attractive, is that any different from not wanting a partner with big ears, or red hair, or breasts etc.?

Someone asked me and I was a bit suprised because she didnt seem 'that sort'. She very quickly said 'oh its because you have a big gap between your older ones and younger ones'. So I let her off

Another race related thread? Oh good-oh!
Your friend is not racist; I really wish people would grasp the true definition of what racism is. If her preference is for non-Blacks, then so be it. I don?t see the point in actually discussing it. I have heard many, many English men state they would never date or marry English women for an assortement of reasons; I find it quite offensive because you don't have to put down one race to justify being in a relationship with another race.

I also wish you wouldnt place race in the same category as physical attributes; the latter can be modified, the former cannot. It really fucks me off irks me when I see ethnic minorities lumped together with homosexuals, Jews or other social constructs.

I find some Indian guys very attractive. I personally don't find African black men that attractive in general, although some African black women are gorgeous. I don't find Chinese and Japanese men attractive at all, but some of their women are stunning. It's all a matter of preferences, really. People from different ethnicities usually have distinctive features that may be more or less attractive to individuals.

That said, I could never say whether or not I would date a person of a particular ethnicity, because it depends on the individual. I have lived in 5 countries and not once have I found myself thinking "hey, this guy is hot, but you know? He is Mongolian-Black-American Indian-Pernambucan-whatever, so I guess I won't date him".

Personal attractiveness preferences are just that: personal. You have all the right to find or not find someone attractive based on the most superficial of things, such as having a mole, having brown eyes or having an ugly chin. You have the right to find a particular ethnicity more or less attractive, but always considering that an individual person can blow your mind suddenly and unexpectedly. I have a preference for blue eyes, but have only dated one person that have blue eyes. Your "attractiveness sensory buds" can think what they want, but your heart is the one which finally decides.

I'm new here. But I'd just like to add something. Not all black men are alike (physical features, hue; personality, nationality, culture, etc.). So how could a person know that they would not date someone of a particular racial group, unless they artificially ascribed similar traits to everyone in that group (traits which they believe are not particularly attractive). That, in itself, is kind of racist.

LadyFanny
It really fucks me off irks me when I see ethnic minorities lumped together with homosexuals, Jews or other social constructs what? Homosexuality is a social construct? Jewish is not an ethnicity?

A friend of mine said something similar to your friend OP - she said someone had joked that she was racist and she wanted to ask our opinion as she was worried that she was! We discussed why she wasn't attracted to black men and it turned out it came down to the fact that the only black men she ever encountered was out clubbing where they had tended to be quite pushy and not very pleasant. So she associated black men with a certain arrogance, pushiness and maybe sexual threat. After realising this she acknowledged that she might well find a black man attractive if she met him through work, for example. So I think she was being racist, but not consciously, and was very open to understanding that and addressing it.

I think that your friend just hasn't met a black man that she fancies yet. I didn't know many black people when I was growing up, and while the ones I knew, I got on with well enough... I just didn't fancy them. I thought for years that I would never fancy a black man. Until I did! It wasn't a superficial attraction, but he was just really lovely and always made me laugh when I felt crap.

Testing.

Very odd. I cannot add my post, so ENMistress I will PM it to you. Maybe mine contains certain words that are not allowed on the forum (?) shrugs

thefirstMrsDeVere, I have a big gap between my first and second DC, and a small gap between my 2nd and 3rd. People I know form junior school often don't realise I have an older child, and I do worry that people might think DS1 has a different dad.

No one has ever actually asked me though - I would be offended no matter what race we are. Which is really silly of me.

Yes it is racist, you are choosing on the colour of skin and not anything else by stating you would not have a relationship with a man who has black skin.

You would also be racist if you changed that around and said you would only have a relationship with a man who has black skin. As again you are choosing on the colour of skin.

Race and sex, can intersect, and it can be in a bad way.

So if someone refuses to see another person of another race because they are disgusting/aggressive/lazy/horrible (delete as appropriate) or actually seeks out someone of another race because the expect them to be compliant/domesticated/sexually submissive etc etc..
Then it is wrong and also (as with all forms of rascism) a form of power being imposed on others.

However, as others have mentioned if people are discriminating on personal taste, and it is as random as preferring blondes to brunettes (and actually is as easy to brush aside without angst) - then I don't see it being a problem.

TheSecondComing - "i know,and while i know that there is nothing wrong with having children with different dads (i am always very open that dp is not dd1's father) i wonder if i didn't want to be 'judged' by everyone who saw us (and i am sure people do judge negatively if someone has multiple fathers for their children)"

I do judge this negatively as it suggests a sexual incontinence and lack of commitment that is hardly conducive to providing children with the stable and secure environment that they need and deserve.

On the original question - we each have our reasons for finding someone attractive/ugly...each to their own, I say.

Why would you judge the woman negatively? It's not usually her lack of commitment, IME, that leads to the situation arising. I judge the heck out of the flitting men, tho. Does that make me sexist?

MaryMungo - please don't misunderstand me...I apologise for not being clear. I judge both parents (or rather, in this instance, all of them) equally harshly. The men for buggering off to continue their serial shagging and the women for having children with someone that has not committed to them.

What if the first husband died, nosuchthing?

CuppaTeaJanice - fair enough. I'm impressed if there's even a 'husband' involved! You know who I'm having a go at - the Vickie Pollards of this world.

You've just reminded me of that sketch show from years ago (Kathy Burke?) with Waynetta Slob holding two white kids and saying 'I wanna braaaaawn baby next!'

I don't know if the OP's friend is being racist, because i don't know what her reason is for not dating black men. I do however know many black men and women who would never date a white person. They feel free to tell me this despite the fact that i am white. My dh is Spanish and he had always said that he didn't find blonde hair and blue eyes attractive until he met me. In fact his previous girlfriend had been black and was absolutely stunning. She actually left him because her family did not approve of her dating outside her race.
I also have an Indian friend who told me that her parents would disown her if she married a black or white man.
I do, however believe that when a black or Asian person refuses to marry outside their race, it is more about retaining culture This is particularly predominant in the African and Asian community and not so prevalent with the West Indian community.

I've never dated a blond bloke.

TheSecondComing - sometimes bad behaviour needs to be pointed out, as you would agree.

I suppose I could be considered racist in that respect.

I have never found white men physically attractive. I find pale skin a real physical turn off.

I don't dislike white men in any way, I just don't find them physically attractive.

I'm not really sure how you would go about changing that, tbh.