Is it possible to be racist when choosing a partner?

[CuppaTeaJanice]

I was talking to a single friend the other day about dating and choosing partners, and she said she didn't think she would want to go out with a black man. I was a little at this comment as I have never considered her racist in any way, she has many friends from a variety of ethnic groups and I haven't noticed her make any discriminatory comments before.

It got me thinking though - is it acceptable to discriminate when choosing a partner in ways that would be unacceptable when choosing, for example, a friend, a tenant or an employee?

I choose to have a partner who is a man. That's not because I'm sexist, it's because I'm heterosexual. I also choose a partner who has physical attributes that I find attractive - small nose, slim body, brown hair etc. Aside from personality, obviously - nobody chooses a partner based solely on looks, but there has to be some sort of physical and sexual attraction because that's part of a partner's role.

So, was my friend being racist? I think she was being a bit stupid, and may be missing out on a great guy for a silly reason, but if she just doesn't find black skin sexually attractive, is that any different from not wanting a partner with big ears, or red hair, or breasts etc.?

my ex had ginger hair and you could see him coming from far in the distance, and i have two kids with him, who have brown hair, and if i had a penny for every time someone, (usually women) said to me 'oh god i bet your glad they didn't get your husbands hair!' alot of people don't want their kids to have bright ginger hair, particularly boys it seems, having said that my ex was glad they didn't inherit his colour hair as he has spent all his life being called names, in fact some people don't even bother to ask his name but just referred to him as ginger!

Agree passionately with the dislike of the "myths" that abound about "pc gorn mad". Likewise, I'm proud to be "correct".

Re. your question OP, I've always found myself wondering how someone could know this, without ever having met all the black men in the world. This therefore does suggest prejudice and therefore although it is of course possible to be racist, it is never permissable, as far as I'm concerned.

When younger, I always believed that I would never find an older man attractive - until I did and was glad to have had that stereotype challenged. A brief but rewarding encounter ensued . Now I'm older, I can't understand why anyone has a definite type, or why anyone would want to restrict the pool of potential partners.

My cousin will only date black men. She is white.

I think that having a preference to skin colour is the same as saying i prefer blondes really. Unless they are racist in other aspecst of their life

I would say that i couldn't date a man shorter than me, but if I bumped into some adonis who fell madly in love with me but happened to be an inch shorter then i may just.

You can say that you don't think you could because you don't find that a particularly attarctive look but that is not to say that you may not be taken by surprise

I haven't abandoned the thread, just been out for the afternoon! There are some interesting points here that I hadn't thought of.

A couple of comments about children inheriting or not inheriting certain aspects of a partner's looks. I wonder if that might have been partly the reason behind her comment. Most mixed race children I've met have been absolutely beautiful, but there's no denying they usually look more like the darker parent, so maybe paler skin colour, caucasian eye and lip shape etc. genes are recessive? I wonder if people consider future children looks-wise when choosing a partner? So pick the same race or other physical characteristics to either produce a child that is likely to look like themself, or like their personal ideal of physical attractiveness, or to get as great a mix of genes as possible, in which case it would be preferable to choose someone from another race.

"In my brothers job (not saying what it is) he doesn't wear a white shirt to work, he wears a regulation shirt (cant call it white hmm).

He also cant write on a white board or have a black or white coffee (it's a coffee with or without for those who are interested)

This kind of extreme PC behaivour I think makes a joke of racisim and unfortunately we still have a real problem with idiot racist fools in the UK."

This kind of myth undermines any chance of tackling real issues. And the people who work hard at perpertrating this kind of myth are sniggering at moves towards challenging genuine discrimination.

I don't think it is racist. I have only ever found white men attractive and I am not racist.

Of course it's not racist!

Generally I don't find Asian people sexually attractive (yes, I do realise I'm talking about 1/2 the world population here) I find Chinese and Japanese people particulary sexually unattractive. I'm personally more attracted to black or Celtic type men. I'm half Indian, and I put it down to wanting to produce the children with the best genes.

You fancy who you fancy, and it's far more complicated than being racist or not.

It's like saying your next partner will be a man because you are heterosexual...does that mean you are homophobic? Of course it doesn't.

The OP isnt clear on why the woman wont go out with black men. So how can you possibly say 'of course its not racist' anymore than I could say 'of course it is'

BTW cuppa my kids have got blue eyes. Not sure what the science says but I think that is quite unusual.

You put it down to wanting the best genes? How do you know black men have better genes than Asian ones

Nor do I.

I hear this stuff all the time. Its always third hand. I have been on this earth 43 years and, as I have said, lived in loony left boroughs for most of that time. I have worked in the public and charity sector all my working life.

I have yet to come across any of this stuff.

Somehow it seems to happen to the relatives of friends who live in the leafy home counties - the well known hotbed of rampant political correctness.

Na, it's not racist IMO. I'm mixed race (caribbean and white) I've dated both black and white men. But I don't think I would ever go out with a black man again because my taste has changed over the years. That's not to say that I don't find some black men attractive, I just couldn't see myself with them again, IYSWIM. My mum, on the other hand, has only ever dated black men. It's just personal taste.

I don't believe the BIL either. I have a long memory of when Ken Livingstone was vilified for this sort of thing while at the GLC. Most of this nonsense was cooked up by the racist Tory press and Thatcherites, who would have much preferred that they'd been allowed to continue being odious and unpleasant to anyone who wasn't a white heterosexual male.

Agree that no-one can say that your friend is or isn't being racist OP, because you still haven't provided her rationale. On the balance of what you've said however, I'd err on the probability that she is being entirely racist, because she hasn't met all black men and for most people, attraction is based on far more than looks and racial identity. I've been attracted to several men who were "not my type", but their humour, their gestures, their voice, their smell, their kindness and all the myriad factors that make someone attractive, won the day.

I think it's personal taste too. If you lined up all the guys I've dated and tried to find a common denominator, you wouldn't...they range from 5ft 7 to 6ft 5, mostly white but also mixed race, blonde to black hair and everything in between,, or not much hair at all. If I've got a 'type' that I go for, I couldn't tell you what it is.

It's not that back/celtic men have better genes than asian once, but more different to mine...and therefore we would have babies with a more diverse gene poole, and possibly stronger than if I'd married a relative.

OK, I'm being extreme here, but I can't think of any other reason atm.

I think TSC you may have been thinking subconsciously what would other people think of you for having multiple kids of different races.

TheSecondComing, surely that's to do with wanting strangers to think your children all had the same father, so if you had a mixed race child, you would look for a similar looking man to your daughters father to father your subsequent children.

It would probably also be easier for a new man in your life to bond with your child if he is the same race I guess.

WhenwillIfeelnormal she didn't say it in a nasty 'Eww, black men are horrible, I'd never date one' kind of way, it was more like just stating a preference, in the same way she might have said she wouldn't date a short man, or a man with a beard etc. I really don't think she's racist, but her comment got me thinking about the acceptability of preferences when choosing a partner generally. Most people on this thread seem to agree that different rules apply.

I bet she ends up marrying a black man!!!!!

Thesecondcoming I'm having exactly this problem. I've not dated anyone yet since leaving my ex, and hopefully it would be personality that would matter, but I do wonder how that person would feel walking down the street if they were obviously different race to my kids??

Of course my kids will always have their dad and their racial identity but at the moment I'm just confused!

Thesecond if its any comfort, if you had one mixed race child by one man and then went on to have several others by the same man, or by several other men - it would be assumed that they all had different dads anyway.

I have been asked the question 'do they all have the same father' on numerous occasions. My sister has never been asked this question.

Erm a love life is not an equal opportunities employer

We ARE allowed to have preferences, likes, dislikes etc on physical attributes. It's called attraction.