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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My mum is sick and twisted or IS DH

107 replies

Desperately · 23/02/2011 02:53

My Mum has accused my husband of sexually molesting DD (14). We rarely see my Mum but she is staying for a couple of days. This evening we were all watching a DVD and DD went to sit on DH's lap. DH was cuddling her and rubbing her tummy (does the same with the dog). Mum started asking her husband (my stepdad) if that was normal behaviour - in a loud whisper - I could hear but DH and DD couldn't. She then proceeded to say something along the lines of how she couldn't bear to watch and stormed out of the room. I told DH later when the kids were in bed -he was devastated and furious. I think my Mum is actually insane - but IS IT normal for a 14 year old to cuddle her dad and sit on his lap. My own dad now deceased was a violent drunk, and we didn't have a close relationship - my Mum's dad died when she was very young so I don't think either of us can judge what is "normal". Mum is leaving in the morning and I don't see how I can ever see her again. I am also starting to doubt DH. Never did before now.

OP posts:
MrsRhettButler · 23/02/2011 03:00

i have no idea what is 'normal' either but i would personally think that anything that happens in front of everyone else in the family would probably be innocent... i mean if anything untoward was going on i doubt he would want to bring attention to it. jmo

Saltatrix · 23/02/2011 03:41

What's wrong with hugging your own child.....is it because shes 14 and fathers should no longer have contact with their kids at that age?

Sorry but from what you have said here I think your mother is having very twisted thoughts.

MadamDeathstare · 23/02/2011 03:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 23/02/2011 03:55

My immediate reaction is that it is very unusual for a fourteen year old girl and her Dad to be that physically intimate. But I don't think it amounts to sexual abuse on its own, and I don't think it necessarily indicates molestation behind the scenes.

I also think your mother brought it up in a completely inappropriate way that suggests that her motivation was not genuine concern for your daughter.

However. I would talk to your daughter and see what she thinks, personally. It's her body, and her boundaries, that are the issue. Chat to her gently, see if you get the impression that she's perfectly content and just affectionate, or whether there's something else going on - even if that is "I feel like I'm too old now but I don't want to hurt Dad's feelings". I don't think it ever does harm to reinforce, to a teenage girl, that physical contact is their choice and their mum will support them.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 23/02/2011 03:59

I disagree that the public nature of the thing discounts physical abuse, though.

This might not apply to your husband at ALL, OP, but there've definitely been awful threads on here with fathers taking opportunities to demonstrate their physical ownership of daughter's bodies, whether that be tickle 'fights' or affording them no privacy in the bathroom or commenting on their bodies and mode of dress. Abuse absolutely can spill over into everyday life, and in some families becomes so normalised that things aren't thought of as odd anymore.

waterrat · 23/02/2011 07:36

I don't think you should talk to your daughter about it just because of this. THis will make her feel extremely awkward. It certainly sounds to me as thought your mother in law is being completely bizarre - Im not sure that you can get real advice here on a forum like this OP.

People are obviously going to point out (fairly) that abuse exists etc, but in the end you are her mother and the two were being affectionate in a way you feel comfortable with.

It sounds completely natural and your mothers behaviour was APPALLING.

pinkthechaffinch · 23/02/2011 07:47

My cousin used to cuddle her dad and sit on his lap at that age at large family gatherings and tbh we all thought it was v odd.

I'd have a word with your dh and tell him to start treating his daughter like the young lady she is becoming, not like the family pet.

ZuzuandZara · 23/02/2011 08:52

A friend of ours is like this with both his daughters from birth to now (early 20s), it' a little odd for the 'norm' but they are a genuinely loving, close family and it is perfectly normal for them.

lovemy2babies · 23/02/2011 10:05

It's fine.
I only just stopped sitting on my dads knee after I had kids I'm in my 30's.

And tummy rubbing is fine

He is her little girl and always will be.

I still get my dad to rub my feet and shoulders :)

CameronCook · 23/02/2011 10:11

Mine are younger but my friends DC - both the DD and the DS are 16 and 17 and both sit on both parents laps for a cuddle - they are just a really tactile affectionate family.

Hullygully · 23/02/2011 10:13

It's not unusual at all. My 14 yr old ds regularly takes off his top, sprawls across us and demands back rubs and scratches. Some families are more tactile than others.

emmyloopsyloo · 23/02/2011 10:19

Your mum is insane. If you are seriously starting to doubt your Dh molesting your dd, then surely your marriage is over and his bags are packed Hmm.

I'm really close to my dad we are very affectionate. I wouldn't have gone near the relative who was abusing me the sheer thought if being in the same room was enough to make me chuck.

I still cuddle up to my dad on the sofa now. There were a few years I didn't, but there is nothing sinister or odd about it.

But if you really are having doubts about your Dh like this, stop and think how serious those thoughts are. Kind of a deal breaker, no?

TangledScotland · 23/02/2011 10:20

Hullygully is bang on really, my DS's are 13 and 11 and i'm always pealing them off me because they practically throttle me with cuddles :)

My own father was much more affectionate in that way than my mum and as a teenager i'd still sit beside him for a cuddle, nothing seedy or nasty about it, just depends how you were brought up.

Your mother needs to stop reading the daily mail and believing there is a kiddie fiddler on every corner, silly woman

diddl · 23/02/2011 10:22

I think her sitting in his lap is unusual-and does he put his up her clothes to rub her tummy-I might find that odd.

But when my husband is on the sofa both children (teenagers) will literally drape themselves over him.

Daughter(13) also likes her tummy rubbed when she has period pains.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/02/2011 10:24

My 14 year old son may be nearly a young man but he will always be my baby. As long as he's happy with cuddles he can have 'em. Can't see anything unnatural or sick about that.

walesblackbird · 23/02/2011 10:24

My nephew is 14. He still sits on his mother's lap for a cuddle. He chooses to do it. He's close to his mother - my sister - and they have a fantastic relationship. Pretty soon he's not going to want to spend as much time with her so she's making the most of it now.

My sister is just very tactile and so is her son. My son is almost 10 and he still lays with me on the sofa for a cuddle - can't see anything wrong it.

Scorpette · 23/02/2011 10:26

I'm from a very tactile and demonstrative family - both me and my brother would still sit on our Dad's knee when we were teens (surprised the poor man can still walk!) and we will still sit and cuddle both parents when we see them, now we're in our 30s. My Dad would sit cuddled up to his own Dad on the sofa when my Granddad was in his 80s.

I always find it very odd (and sad) when there's no physical affection between family members. Your Mum clearly has little or no experience of healthy male parental affection (including seeing your father being rubbish) and I think you really do need to have a firm word with her.

SparkyDuchess · 23/02/2011 10:27

I still sat on my dad's knee until he died when I was 21. Didn't think anything of him rubbing my back, or my legs if they were sore.

My DS is 12, and is another who practically has to be peeled off me - still gets in for a cuddle in the morning, lies across my lap to have his back scratched, etc.

Perfectly normal in my house, as others have said some families are just more tactile than others.

berryshake · 23/02/2011 10:27

I only stopped sitting on my Dad's knee for cuddles when I got too fat/heavy, which was when I was about eighteen. Blush I would still do it now if I was a bit lighter, because he's my Dad.

smilerwile · 23/02/2011 10:29

I am very mixed. In one way it is lovely in another way it has opened an area for you to now chat with your dd in a casual way and keep an eye open. You may not even need to keep an eye open as you may be a very intertwined family, ie always do lots together. However don't go running down the abuse idea. We all come with our own experiences which influence the way we respond to your posting. What made alarm bells ring out for your mum? That may be an even harder area to open up with your mum. Hopefully it is just your mum totally over-reacting. A lot of what others have said is so valid especially the two postings by Tortoiseonthehalfshelf .

Anonymousbird · 23/02/2011 10:34

I can clearly remember sitting on my Dad's knee somewhere around the 12-13 mark, at least.... it gradually stopped around that age, I suppose a teenage girl just moves away from that perhaps, but not always. There was absolutely no suggestion between me and him of anything other than a loving cuddly dad/daughter relationship!!!! I used to love it, as my mum was a cold fish, so dad made up for it with bells on.

Your mum is insane and your poor DH. Don't doubt him, unless you really really have cause outside your mum's ludicrous insinuations.

I am very cuddly and tactile with my own DC, as is DH. Admittedly they are a bit younger, but I LOVE the fact that DH and DD can snuggle up and hope it long continues!!!!

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 23/02/2011 10:35

It's tricky because the mum here is clearly a bit bonkers, and approached the subject in a horrendous way, so it's difficult to give her opinion the weight one normally would.

I'm actually really glad to see all the posts about affectionate families. I grew up in a single parent household, so I don't really know what's normal between an adolescent girl and her Dad, I just know that at that age I didn't do physical affection with anyone!

mpops · 23/02/2011 10:36

I think it's ridiculous too. If you, OP, wouldn't think bat an eyelid about seeing your DH cuddle your DD, then it means it's something that is natural in your family. Are we really so conditioned by the Daily Mail as to think that physical contact within a family is dirty? My dad and I used to hold hands in the street until I was 17! He loved me and I trusted him and even now (I'm 36), I snuggle up to him (and my mum) for a cuddle. Don't poison your DD's mind by asking her about this - she wouldn't go sit on his lap if she felt abused. Your mum needs a good telling to.

Ormirian · 23/02/2011 10:37

I find the tummy rubbing a bit odd TBH. At 14. Sorry. My DC drape themselves all over me, yes and I get loads of hugs, but I still don't like the tummy rubbing.

Do I think it's abuse? No.

Your mother may have her reasons for feeling uncomfortable with it though that she can't help.

smallnotfaraway · 23/02/2011 10:44

"...My own dad now deceased was a violent drunk, and we didn't have a close relationship - my Mum's dad died when she was very young..."

Maybe she genuinely doesn't know what is normal - I wouldn't know if this was normal behaviour either as I lost my dad at a relatively early age. I would also find this uncomfortable for that reason. I'd feel a lot of anger at having maybe missed out on this, and confusion and surprise that such affection was normal. Obscure triggers like this can suddenly make intense feelings come to the surface.

Did she actually directly accuse him directly of sexual molestation, or use those words?