Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

My mum is sick and twisted or IS DH

107 replies

Desperately · 23/02/2011 02:53

My Mum has accused my husband of sexually molesting DD (14). We rarely see my Mum but she is staying for a couple of days. This evening we were all watching a DVD and DD went to sit on DH's lap. DH was cuddling her and rubbing her tummy (does the same with the dog). Mum started asking her husband (my stepdad) if that was normal behaviour - in a loud whisper - I could hear but DH and DD couldn't. She then proceeded to say something along the lines of how she couldn't bear to watch and stormed out of the room. I told DH later when the kids were in bed -he was devastated and furious. I think my Mum is actually insane - but IS IT normal for a 14 year old to cuddle her dad and sit on his lap. My own dad now deceased was a violent drunk, and we didn't have a close relationship - my Mum's dad died when she was very young so I don't think either of us can judge what is "normal". Mum is leaving in the morning and I don't see how I can ever see her again. I am also starting to doubt DH. Never did before now.

OP posts:

mamatomany · 23/02/2011 10:55

I find the tummy rubbing a bit odd TBH. At 14. Sorry.

I agree I often hold DD1 around the waist and have moved my hand up when I've thought it's on her tummy but it's around the knicker area, it's a fine line isn't it ?

As for the she wouldn't sit with him if he was abusing her theory, I think that's wrong and children do put up with a lot.

Maybe your DH needs to realise that she isn't a little girl any more and isn't a dog who needs it's tummy tickling.

OTheHugeManatee · 23/02/2011 11:18

It seems odd to me, but then I had a totally emotionally absent father who never hugged me, cuddled me or anything like that.

I feel rather jealous of a teenage girl who can be relaxed and affectionate like that with her dad.

Your mother sounds crackers.

StanHouseMuir · 23/02/2011 11:22

I find this a little bit sad to be honest. I hope my girls still want me to cuddle them when they're that age.

ENormaSnob · 23/02/2011 11:22

Agree with mamatomany.

waterrat · 23/02/2011 11:29

I wonder why a comment from your mum has thrown you so much? he is your husband, surely you have an idea of what he is like?!

taokiddy · 23/02/2011 11:56

I still get into bed with my mum and dad in the morning when they stay with us. And all the DCs!But we're all very affectionate physically i suppose.

homeboys · 23/02/2011 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Aims80 · 23/02/2011 15:30

It's really sad that a dad isn't allowed hug/tickle his daughter. I don't think it's that weird. If your daughter didn't like it she'd have moved surely? Unless your new suspicians spring from somewhere else?

BooyFuckingHoo · 23/02/2011 15:36

i have male cousins in their 20's who would do exactly this with their mum.

nobody bats an eyelid. they are a loving family. i think your mum is being an eejit.

mayorquimby · 23/02/2011 15:39

she wouldn't have lasted the night in my house if I was your dh.

littlechap · 23/02/2011 16:47

I think that it warrants some thought.

Firstly my wife was physically abused by her father and it does unfortunately happen on occasions. Secondly I have a 14 year old daughter and I am not sure that I would feel comfortable doing what has been described in your post. BUT I am not a very touchy/feely person and neither is she.

As a 14 year old, my thoughts are would you be comfortable with him doing the same to another woman? Alternatively would you be comfortable with having someone else doing the same with your daughter? If not then it is probably a bit to close to the line. But realise that often as parents our little babies "grow-up" on us and he has probably been showing affection in the same way for 14 years and hasn't realised that she has grown up.

BooyFuckingHoo · 23/02/2011 16:59

"would you be comfortable with him doing the same to another woman? Alternatively would you be comfortable with having someone else doing the same with your daughter?"

she is his daughter, not another woman.

define someone else. my parents are as touchy feely as i am with my dcs, so are EXp's parents. i would have no problem with that. a stranger, then yes, but most people would object to a stranger touching them like that but i am not sure what 'someone else' means to you.

LadyBiscuit · 23/02/2011 17:08

I don't think there's anything wrong with it at all - some families are very physically affectionate. I know grown men who still cuddle their mums fgs

yogididabooboo · 23/02/2011 17:15

Dh's eldest DD is 15 and she will still snuggle up to him on the sofa is we have a film on or something.

But they have a very good relationship and i consider it unusually close.

But just because something is unusual does not make it wrong

BooyFuckingHoo · 23/02/2011 17:16

FWIW i would love to have had the type of relationship with either of my parents where i could cuddle with them. they seem to have been saving it for my dcs though so i don't mind so much.

morleylass · 23/02/2011 17:17

I think this must partly depend on how mature your daughter is. At 14 some girls still behave like little girls and some girls behave like adults, and would probably be less likely to want to sit on their Dad's knee.
I think if everyone was comfortable with the situation except your Mum then there is unlikely to be anything to worry about. Could you not talk to your Mum about it and find out whether there is anything else concerning her?

Spangers · 23/02/2011 17:22

My dad always grabs us for cuddles/kiss on head and we're all in our twenties, we don't see him very often though. My sister will jump on my lap but we're just messing around and I push her off when she gets too heavy. We'd all put our legs across each other on the sofa watching tv (hopefully that makes sense, small sofas, one person wants to stretch out), it's not weird for our immediate family but I wouldn't do it to my aunt. Couples being affectionate in front of others is IMO slightly different as there is a sexual element which makes it uncomfortable, DP wouldn't pinch my bum in front of anyone.

Spangers · 23/02/2011 17:26

Or a better comparison, I wouldn't sit on DP's lap in front of my family. My family don't pinch each other's bums

amiheartless · 23/02/2011 17:46

I would think iut slightly odd to still be sat on your dads knee at 14, but that just the way I was raised some parents hold onto the daddy/mummys little girl thing longer but doesnt neccesarily count for abuse

findingthepath · 23/02/2011 17:54

I have been thinking about this a bit before answering and my opioin is that its normal for your family and its ok.

My Dad always hugs me and i'm nearly 30 but he does not hug any of my siblings as he is not that close to them. I was the only child he saw being born and i'm their youngest so the baby of the family and my dad's fav.

I think you should congratulate yourseleves on having such a lovly close family and be happy about it. Your teenage DD is so sucure and happy that she feels able to show that affection openly with her Dad. Its great.

Do you hug your DD as well?

If i can rasie a family that is so affectionate i will be very happy it shows how much your children belong and feel happy with their mum and dad.

I think you mum may be a little jelous of your family as she clearly never had this close family. Please dont stop being as you all are just because of one nasty comment.

Congrats on having a fab and to me insprational family.

janiesmum · 23/02/2011 18:06

how long has he been her stepfather

janiesmum · 23/02/2011 18:06

sorry misread OP, ignore that

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 23/02/2011 18:10

Bit odd she still at 14 wants to sit on her Dad's knee and have her tummy rubbed , is she a very young 14? Doubtful there is any abuse, but I personally find it not quite appropriate.

atswimtwolengths · 23/02/2011 18:32

Sorry, findingthepath but your siblings are probably on this site saying that their father is not close to them and has a clear favourite.

atswimtwolengths · 23/02/2011 18:34

I think there are other ways you can be close without sitting on knees and rubbing stomachs.

My ex wouldn't have been comfortable if my daughter was to do that at that age, though he loved her so much and was very affectionate towards her. It does seem the sort of behaviour you'd find in a boyfriend/girlfriend or parent/younger child relationship.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread