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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you have sex to keep the peace (or not)???

123 replies

worthless · 21/02/2011 19:21

I am starting my third thread ever on MN - do not want to go into my background threads but to sum up I am very unhappily married with a very unhappy last 18 months or so.......this has left me feeling totally withdrawn from my H and I am trying to find my way back emotionally and physically but not having much success!!! I am struggling in the bedroom department and this is THE DEPARTMENT that my H has said I have been failing in for many years! I have never been active enough for him if you know what I mean! I have always been a 1/2 week girl and he is a 4/5 times a week man!!!!

Last few months no action!!!!! I service him if WYKWIM!!!! But we do not have proper sex-I just cannot let myself go and H is so angry and hurt. I have begged for love and non sexual affection/cuddles for a set period in order for me to relax and feel loved and wanted for me but H just says that he is not prepared to give me that unless I have sex!!! He says that I can't just take and not give.......I can't get him to understand that I need to get love to give love (sex) do you understand???? Am I wrong expecting this or should I just lie back and thinkof England???

OP posts:

SecondMrsS · 21/02/2011 19:23

Oh ffs, what year are we in?? Leave the buffoon!

BooBooGlass · 21/02/2011 19:23

This relationship has bigger issues than just the sex. Lack of respect and communication for one. You need to have a proper conversation about why you're so unhappy

rinabean · 21/02/2011 19:23

so you have to make him orgasm but he doesn't have to kiss you? awesome (for him)

You are not asking too much. You're not wrong to expect this. He's a dick. What is the reason you are staying with him?

Also: you're not worthless. Don't be so silly!

Prolesworth · 21/02/2011 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

peeriebear · 21/02/2011 19:24

Leave leave leave. It's all about him. You explain the problem, ask for reassurance and gentleness, he says "but what about my cock?"
He is a selfish asshat.

guyane · 21/02/2011 19:27

Same experience - totally feel for you here - just because you're married doesn't mean an 'entitlement' to sex - perhaps he could take you out once in a while for a romantic dinner??

madonnawhore · 21/02/2011 19:32

It sounds horrible and he sounds horrible. After 18 months of misery, coupled with his obvious disrespect for your feelings, surely it's time to call it a day?

Original poster

worthless · 21/02/2011 19:34

If only life was that simple.......nearly 30 years with H who until recently I loved more than life! 3 kids, etc etc

I want to love him again I really do but I just worry that I can't. He makes me feel that I am not "normal". He tells me to stop the fight and to give myself to him - to just drop the past and move on but I can't do it!!

He is trying to help more at home, he is not calling me crap now on a regular basis anyway, kids happier as things calmer than has been for a while so all positive steps but I am still not ready for sex.......I need more....need more love, need more attention, need more cuddles, need more time and he just won't give these things to me! I feel desperate and do not know what to do - feel so sad and alone and a failure! Maybe I am a crap wife after all.

OP posts:

Prolesworth · 21/02/2011 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Niceguy2 · 21/02/2011 19:45

And as usual people jump straight in with "leave him". Great, fab just flush 30 years down the toilet, why not?

I think this is one of those situations where men & women look at things differently.

What I hear OP saying is "I need to feel loved before I can have sex" whereas what the bloke is saying is "I need to have sex to feel loved"

So right now you have a bit of a standoff.

You cannot solve this alone. You will both have to compromise. You putting more effort into the bedroom and him to put more effort into making you feel loved rather than a place to lodge his cock.

But it sounds to me that there may be merit in looking into sex counselling from Relate to help you both break through the invisible barrier that's formed between you both.

Mouseface · 21/02/2011 19:49

My gut reaction when I read the title was FFS! Leave him.

I guess after 30 years together and children connecting you, it's easy for us all to say.

You should NEVER have sex 'to keep the peace'

God, no.

But sometimes you are trapped and actually want to feel safe, get it over with, think that if you do it, he'll leave you alone......

Is that the case? Is he forcing sex on you?

Emotional of physically abusing you?

'If you loved me, you'd do it?' that sort of thing?

YOU ARE NOT A CRAP WIFE.

You feel devalued, unsure and the only way to fix this is you do want to stay with him, is for him to let this happen on your terms.

Please don't stay together because of the DCs though.

Stay because you want to and he wants the same.

Equality.

Respect.

Love.

And safety.

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 21/02/2011 19:53

sorry NIceguy2 but this woman's self esteem is on the floor. in fact it is probably below the floor. i think it's gone a bit beyond the male / female divide on attitude to sex.

her husband has done very little to make her feel loved. she is actually giving him sex if not intercourse.

it's not about flushing 30 years down the toilet. those 30 years will still exist regardless what choices the OP makes for her future.

Original poster

worthless · 21/02/2011 19:54

I have always been a "stepford wife" and was happy with that role really (sad I know)....although I have always worked too......never had a mutually satisfying sex life due to different libido really. However I have always enjoyed myself although H always been pissed off that I have never instigated sex! I am a bit shy really only ever having slept with him and being liitle more than a child when we met and have never really been that confident.

Now I just can't let go.....all I hear are his awful words and months of being told to piss off, f*k off, you are crap, you don't know how to look after a man etc haunt me and have resulted in me just being so withdrawn and on my rock (his phrase) that I just can't give myself!

So I would say that now it is me causing the problem but as a result of him!!!! Or as I keep saying "is it me"??????

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 21/02/2011 19:56

Niceguy did you read the OP?? In particular this bit: I have begged for love and non sexual affection/cuddles for a set period in order for me to relax and feel loved and wanted for me but H just says that he is not prepared to give me that unless I have sex

This isn't a simple case of men and women seeing things differently - he's utterly refusing to compromise on this. He's saying he doesn't care about her feelings, as long as he gets sex. Nice.

alicatte · 21/02/2011 19:57

I really feel appalled reading this. I cannot imagine my DH EVER saying something like that to me. There are always times when you don't feel interested (small baby, early pregnancy, etc.) the idea that you 'can't take unless you are prepared to give'!!!!! Paradoxically, it was often the fact that my DH was not being demanding that made me still feel attracted to him during those difficult times. Surely your DH must be able to understand how unattractive demanding behaviour is.

I think the other posters are right.

BertieBotts · 21/02/2011 20:00

OP, the problem is NOT you. The problem isn't anything to do with sex either. Your relationship has deep seated problems - you can tell by the way he's reacting to this. And verbal abuse is never acceptable either. How old were you when you met? Is he your first partner?

All this talk of "throwing 30 years away" like it would be the worst thing in the world... far worse to spend your life stuck in a relationship which makes you deeply unhappy. I doubt after 30 years you'd leave for trivial reasons over advice on a relationship forum anyway. If you really are considering leaving then something would have to be wrong.

rinabean · 21/02/2011 20:03

It's not you! It's not you! It is entirely him! Does he not have hands, ffs? Why does he want to rape you? No wonder you are so unhappy! :(

Mouseface · 21/02/2011 20:03

Spot on Bertie - transfering guilt/blame

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 21/02/2011 20:04

worthless it must be awful to hear those critical words from someone who should be championing you ringing in your ears. that sort of thing would undermine the most confident person.

you must be very strong to not have turned into a gibbering wreck. no wonder you have created a rock to retreat to.

do you really think you can feel loved and cherished while you are with your DH? you know it would not be an admission of failure to say you just can't see a way through this. i certainly can't see a way through for you in this relationship and i'm speaking from the impartial position of an outsider.

Mouseface · 21/02/2011 20:05

I don't think him having a wank will solve this rinabean - this is far more deep seated.

LittleHouseByTheRiver · 21/02/2011 20:07

Worthy we have all been through this with you before. He is treating you like shit so of course you don't want to have sex with him.
You will have to either accept unwanted sex or leave him. He is not prepared to accept a middle way.

I was there a year ago, and after 28 years I left my DH because he wouldnt agree to living together while we attended counselling without regular sex. Ha! Now he has no sex at all.

I however am getting happier as time goes by.
There are worse things than being on your own.
You can do it!!

rinabean · 21/02/2011 20:13

Well, yeah, [b]mouseface[/b], he has no respect for her. He's the one who apparently thinks 30 years of marriage is worth ruining over differing sex drives. :(

HerBeX · 21/02/2011 20:13

This man is fucking horribly abusive. He has a massive sense of entitlement and I'm not sure relationship counselling will change that.

rinabean · 21/02/2011 20:13

Damn, I always forget what forum I'm on!

Mouseface · 21/02/2011 20:15

rina

I knew you meant bold

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