Do you have sex to keep the peace (or not)???

[worthless]

I am starting my third thread ever on MN - do not want to go into my background threads but to sum up I am very unhappily married with a very unhappy last 18 months or so.......this has left me feeling totally withdrawn from my H and I am trying to find my way back emotionally and physically but not having much success!!! I am struggling in the bedroom department and this is THE DEPARTMENT that my H has said I have been failing in for many years! I have never been active enough for him if you know what I mean! I have always been a 1/2 week girl and he is a 4/5 times a week man!!!!

Last few months no action!!!!! I service him if WYKWIM!!!! But we do not have proper sex-I just cannot let myself go and H is so angry and hurt. I have begged for love and non sexual affection/cuddles for a set period in order for me to relax and feel loved and wanted for me but H just says that he is not prepared to give me that unless I have sex!!! He says that I can't just take and not give.......I can't get him to understand that I need to get love to give love (sex) do you understand???? Am I wrong expecting this or should I just lie back and thinkof England???

You know what? When you get rid of the wanker then you will have a peaceful night every night.

Proles, we have been telling her that for quite some time now

Given that you seem not to be able to consider the idea that you matter, how about framing it this way? By treating scumbag men like this with anything other than the contempt and rejection their behaviour merits, you reinforce their idea that they are entitled to do what they like to women. Your DC are learning that men can mistreat women, that men own women and must be obeyed, and that a woman should devote her life to pleasing and placating a man, is that how you want them to grow up?

SGB - it's not such a good thing to be blaming the OP here. She needs to work through what is going on and eventually I am sure she will get out of this hellish situation. Hopefully sooner than later. Victim blaming is never nice though.

Nobody is blaming OP

Everybody is blaming her twat of a partner

constantly and repeatedly

OP agrees he is a twat

Op is still there

I don't blame anybody

but I do wish she would put this twat in his place

sweetheart, you gotta wake up and smell the coffee.

He's moving ever so slowly, ever so gently so that no-one will really notice on to the children now. Swearing at them is the start. You don't wanna find out where it ends, trust me...

Shall we write a character list for him? See how many attributes he has that can go under "abusive" or "loving"? Maybe that'll help you see, in the cold light of the computer screen, that really there is no relationship left :(

OK here goes:

Abusive: rips up letters, swears at me, shouts at me, calls me names, demeans me, tells me I am mentally unwell, tells me I have a drink problem, does not cuddle me, does not kiss me, sulks when I am unable to do as he wants, demands sex, harrasses me to "service him" (your words), swears at our children, disrespects me and the children......

That's all I've gathered from this thread alone.

Now, the other side of the coin:

Loving:

From this thread and the details on it, I can't think of anything. I don't know him though - what would you put on that column?

PS, having wine with dinner is perfectly legal and not at all sneaky. You need to remember that you are an adult and thus, are allowed to drink when and where you want within the law and at home, with dinner is PERFECTLY NORMAL.

I think you are in denial op and im not surprised. Should you acknowledge his abuse of you it will be very very painfull. Sometimes its easier to blame ourselves because then at least we dont have to see whats really going on.

One of the hardest and painfull things i ever did was to acknowledge id married a monster , that i had made a terrible mistake. Even now that stings , all those years , wasted . Who would want to acknowledge that ?

My older dcs are off at uni now , i dont think they,ll live at home again. There time here was filled with arguments , hostile atmoshpheres and its affected us all.Weve had the horrible boyfreinds who were just like their dad and why wouldnt they , they thought it was normal.

Sometimes i struggle to recall nice days or nice memories , and although they are nothing but kind and supportive , i know deep down they feel sad that they grew up like that. They had a right to live in a peacefull safe enviroment and they didnt get that very basic right .

These men are theives as well as abusers. They steal time that is not theirs , energy from you that they dont deserve along with memorys and nice days and all the usual things were entitled to.

I dont know how old your dcs are op , but their not yours for keeps. Their yours for now . When they are gone you will regret focusing on this horrible man or even having him around , youll recall all those upset nights and days and realise that it was time you could have spent differantly. More than that op , the dcs wont thank you for it .

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. You've had some brilliant advice here but you probably need more RL support. I really, really think you should speak to someone ON YOUR OWN. Women's aid is brilliant but if that seems too scary, go to relate again. They will see you on your own. Don't tell your , just go. Please do this: you need to build up the strength to deal with this for once and for all. They will help.

Do you know what comes over clearest to me from your threads, "Worthless"? That you're a really sweet woman. You have a lovely personality and a jolly sense of humour when it gets the chance to peep out. You work hard and you adore your DCs. OK, you probably wouldn't tell us if you drowned kittens or tripped old ladies in the street, but I think you're nice. It is so saddening to witness, even remotely on a discussion board, the unpleasantness you're subjected to when all you want is to give and receive love, like that's some crime. What normal human being doesn't loathe cruelty and injustice? That's why we go on at you; because you're likeable and you should be able to feel liked in your own home. Several of us here, myself included, are also looking from the perspective of someone who put up with that kind of treatment for far too long in the past, and want to show you it doesn't have to be like that. It's good on the outside.

Good post Anniegetyourgun

worthless- I haven't read all of the thread and don't recall your previous posts. I wouldn't advise you on when/whether to leave your DH...what I will say is that you should ensure that you love and look after yourself...ensure that your inner pride is/esteem not damaged....let your confidence come through..... ensure that you have periods of enjoyment, fun and laughter....set your own agenda......this is the first step in my opinion...some how I think everything else will flow from that; you will make the rtight decisions for you from that.....

Ah Annie what a lovely post (thank you). Honest to God I am a nice person....I love my children with all my heart and although I cannot say that I love my husband at the moment I do want to and despite everything I feel his pain too.....
He tried it on again this morning....again I rejected him....again I got the same old story...."stop fighting me, the war is over, just love me" etc etc......
I explained for the umpteenth time where I am in this and the way out of this mess and again was told to just grow up and just accept that I wont get what I want until I am more loving. I explained (again) that if I was just allowed the time to be more loving in a non sexual way then this at least would be a start espcially if he would come with me on the journey. A journey together back to love. Absolutely will not budge and says that he has given me all the time I need and that "No" he wont agree to a 2 week journey with me when I continue to hold back and withhold sex!!!

Job done then matey - I have told him that I will ask him the same question again tonight when I get back from work and then if he still wont come on the journey with me I will have to reassess our future......was told that is manipulation and I am acting like a child throwing their toys out of the pram....

Oh well I tried and tried and tried - I shall try no more - just got to work out what to do next?

sorry MERCYFORME - bog OFF!!!!!

WTF.......

Anyway, where were we... you know when couples go for sex therapy, one of the things most often recommended is that they take a step back from having sex for a while, that they try rediscovering tenderness with affectionate, non-sexual contact, completely taking the fear of expectation or pressure to perform off both parties; then, after a few weeks or whatever feels comfortable for both partners, they gradually start to reintroduce the sexual element. That's the official, trained, experienced approach to a loving physical relationship that's gone off the rails (and it makes sense to me). What your H is saying is exactly opposite to what a professional would tell you both.

He's said that before, "the war is over", hasn't he? Well that's a major obstacle to communication right there. You're coming from completely different viewpoints. You thought it was a relationship. He thought it was a war. He's saying he will be able to relax and be magnanimous once he is confident that he's won, you've given in, you give him what he wants and then it will be your turn after, as a reward for accepting the yoke. It is not a healthy template for a marriage at all, at all.

Yes agree with Annie, it's very telling that your husband uses the language of war to describe his marriage.

And if the war is over, who is the victor? And are there any reparations?

Your husband is horrible OP, I'm sorry. He really is. He just wants to win, doesn't he, rather than work together to have a relationship that works.

I hope that you'll soon get to a stage where you can bear to start feeling your own pain, however hard that is, rather than feeling his. Because he sure ain't feeling your's and he never will

I've been where you are Worthy (not going to call you your chosen ickname it's not right IMO). And for a long time I would have said everything you are saying.

I left him shortly after his physical violence towards me and my children became intolerable.

I was like you too, oh he's a ownderful dad the children will lose out on hainvg a two parent family, the children love him...and you know what, the contrast between my girls now and the shadows they were when we lived with ex is amazing, they're now happy gregarious fun kids, they used ot be terrified quiet little mice before.

I was married for almost eleven years tho (so not anywhere as long as you). What I noticed primarily (with hindsight), was that life became a habit, I preferred the devil I knew rather than strike out on my own and begin again with all the risks and uncertainities involved.

May I suggest, you start getting a fund together, and get legal advice as to what would happen in the event of a divorce (you dont have to do it, just get a picture), you can usually get an hours free legal advice with most solicitors.

When I finally began divorce proceedings and told my best friend, she sighed and told me, 'Sweetie, we all knew you should leave him, the decision had to be yours tho'. And at that I cried so much, mostly for the life that never was.

dignified

your advice should be stickied at the top of the relationship board

MERCYFORME- there are website that you can visit...your post is childish

dignified - your post is a thought provoker and welcome challenge to us all