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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you have sex to keep the peace (or not)???

123 replies

worthless · 21/02/2011 19:21

I am starting my third thread ever on MN - do not want to go into my background threads but to sum up I am very unhappily married with a very unhappy last 18 months or so.......this has left me feeling totally withdrawn from my H and I am trying to find my way back emotionally and physically but not having much success!!! I am struggling in the bedroom department and this is THE DEPARTMENT that my H has said I have been failing in for many years! I have never been active enough for him if you know what I mean! I have always been a 1/2 week girl and he is a 4/5 times a week man!!!!

Last few months no action!!!!! I service him if WYKWIM!!!! But we do not have proper sex-I just cannot let myself go and H is so angry and hurt. I have begged for love and non sexual affection/cuddles for a set period in order for me to relax and feel loved and wanted for me but H just says that he is not prepared to give me that unless I have sex!!! He says that I can't just take and not give.......I can't get him to understand that I need to get love to give love (sex) do you understand???? Am I wrong expecting this or should I just lie back and thinkof England???

OP posts:

Original poster

worthless · 21/02/2011 20:15

We have been together since we were 16 and 17.....now 45 and 46!!!! Really is a lifetime!!!
Friends tell me I am pretty, I am still a size 8, I work, I have 3 kids, I do all the cooking, housework, school work, taxi driving etc and I have always thought that I have been an ok wife - know I am not perfect but whatever none of us are are we???
Is my lower than average sex drive something to be punished so harshly?

I know our sex life is non existent now but previously 1 or twice a week is fine is it not?
Damage done - how to move on???

OP posts:

HerBeX · 21/02/2011 20:22

Has he always been this abusive? Or is this abuse a recent thing?

BertieBotts · 21/02/2011 20:29

You know you don't have to be a "good wife". All you have to be is yourself, and he has to love you FOR THAT. That is what marriage is about. Not about how "good" you are or how well you keep him - you're a person, not his servant.

Why the hell should he "punish" you for anything? Least of all a part of your personality.

Once or twice a week is fine if you're BOTH happy with that. Once or twice a month is fine. Once or twice a day is fine. It's not about frequency, it's about attitude - it's about respecting each other. Your husband is not respecting you.

Lots of people have suggested you leave - what do you think about this? I know threads like this can be a bit overwhelming. But it would probably help people tailor their responses a bit more if you can answer this one. I hope you are ok.

BertieBotts · 21/02/2011 20:29

Should have been a comma after 'know' - sorry.

Mouseface · 21/02/2011 20:30

OP - are you even reading the responses here?

Why are asking about what's fine sex wise? Surely, it's what is fine with you?

Mouseface · 21/02/2011 20:31

'us' - it's catching Bertie

Mouseface · 21/02/2011 20:32

Oh FFS, 'you asking us'

Hides

Original poster

worthless · 21/02/2011 20:33

Looking back I realize that he has always had narcisstic tendancies but did not recogise this until my recent indoctrination to MN (ha ha) always thought that was the way he is (having been brought up in a similar household)with a dad who ruled the roost! Just thought that is how men are! Now I think that all men aren't like this although some are / most probably are not!

So how to change the pattern of behaviour I have allowed to happen for nearly 3 DECADES!!!

OP posts:

HerBeX · 21/02/2011 20:33

Why do you have this idea about being a good wife anyway?

Why do you need to be a good wife?

Is he a good husband? He doesn't sound like one.

It sounds like you have an ideal in your head of what you have to be, and he has this ideal as well, which doesn't bear any relationship to who you are.

And there's no ideal of what he has to be. Just an assumption of almighty entitlement.

BertieBotts · 21/02/2011 20:36

You can't change it. The only way to change things is leave.

earwicga · 21/02/2011 20:37

Your sex drive isn't 'lower than average' - it's about average.

If I were you I would get seperate beds, better still seperate bedrooms and the best thing would be seperate houses. Then I would get a lover. A really good lover who is considerate.

Your husband is a cunt.

Malificence · 21/02/2011 20:45

You know what OP (not going to call you worthless because you are anything but), you are exactly the same age with exactly the same length of marriage as me - your husband is in the wrong here, my DH would never say or do the things your DH has, not in a million years.
He doesn't expect to be serviced sexually by me, he would never try and pressure me in any way, he only wants to have sex when I want it too, that's a normal and healthy relationship, nor does he call me names or withhold affection.
You are not his servant.

Original poster

worthless · 21/02/2011 21:04

I keep telling my H that my reaction to him is what most women would feel. I keep telling him that my withdrawal from him is what other women would do. All he keeps chucking in my face is "we have not had sex for months" just get off your rock, stop fighting me. Stop being a crap wife and just give youself".

I promise you all I am a nice person. I do want to save my marriage - I just don't know how too. Please help me. How can I move this forward?

I do not love my H at the moment. In fact I probably do not even like him much but I want to. I want to make it work!!!!!

OP posts:

earwicga · 21/02/2011 21:05

Have you had relationship counselling?

HerBeX · 21/02/2011 21:21

I think that's part of the problem isn't it - he sees you as his wife, from whom he is entitled to expect sexual service.

Rather than seeing you as his parnter, his lover, his friend, a human being who deserves respect, love and affection.

You are not fulfilling your wifely function, which is all you are to him by the sounds of it.

medicalmayhem · 21/02/2011 21:22

are you frightened about being on your own? being frightened of this kept me in a similar (but not quite so bad) marriage for 2 years longer than i should of been! honestly its not that bad being on your own with the kids, you already sound like you do most of the family stuff anyway, sorry but you need to stop talking about how many years you've had with this twat man, and ask yourself can you honestly put up with this for the rest of your entire life, with this man who lets face it couldn't give a shit how you feel just as long as he gets a shag! i feel so sorry for you.

LittleHouseByTheRiver · 21/02/2011 21:34

My DH kept going on about how long we had been together as though it entitled him to expect me to stay with him indefinitely. Just because it worked for 28 years doesn't mean it isn't broken now!

If you met him now and he behaved as he is doing in the first three months of a relationship you wouldn't give him house room would you?

He has conditioned you to think this is normal and you don't deserve any better.

But you don't listen to us worthy.
If you did you would at least have changed your name by now. That would be quite easy to do.

OneMoreChap · 21/02/2011 21:39

"we have not had sex for months"

If that was true, yes, there might be an issue.

If he's saying he won't show you affection unless you fuck him - well, let him fuck you, he's going the wrong way about it. It's a two way street.

After what, 30 years, it's a bit of an issue if between you you haven't resolved it...

I do like this "he only wants to have sex when I want it too" from Mailificence - that's fine when you've come to some compatibility.

Sounds like you're a long way from that, and he has to do a lot of growing up... very quickly.

Be a bit wary of "having your consciousness raised" here; there's a lot of advice which can be... peremptory and final.

earwicga · 21/02/2011 21:49

'If you met him now and he behaved as he is doing in the first three months of a relationship you wouldn't give him house room would you?'

This is brilliant! Should be typed into every Relationships thread.

HerBeX · 21/02/2011 21:55

Haha at having her consciousness raised.

Women need to have their consciousness raised when it comes to abuse.

So many of them endure it.

It is fucking horrible and no-one should have to tolerate it.

HerBeX · 21/02/2011 21:56

And it isn't some kind of airy fairy theoretical thing - this guy is abusive.

He basically sees the OP as his servant.

It's vile.

Dropdeadfred · 21/02/2011 22:02

would your husband really want to have sex with you knowing you werent enjoying it?

Niceguy2 · 21/02/2011 22:19

I wasn't suggesting what Worthless's husband is doing is right. Just offering an insight of what's in his head assuming that he's otherwise a decent bloke who has let (from his point of view) months & years of frustration bubble over.

Worthless has been married to him for 30 years so assume if the sex has been unsatisfactory and/or he's an abusive nobber then things would have come to a head much earlier.

For those who say "Oh well my OH would never say/do that" well that's probably because you have a decent sex life and he feels loved because of it. I wonder how "loving" your OH's would be towards you if you decided not to shag them for months on end and when you do, do it through gritted teeth?

I understand OP's self esteem is through the floor but my point is that her husband's is probably too.

He's probably feeling unloved too because the woman he's spent 30 years of his life with and had 3 kids with "tolerates" sex with him and he can tell she hates it. So in his mind he feels rejected and unloved. So he does what men do. We want sex, as we're taught at a young age that it's what women do when they love you.

I'm not sure either whether relationship counselling is too little too late as things have festered for too long. And sometimes things once broken cannot be fixed. HOWEVER, after 30 years I really think they should both at least try rather than just assume he's got his brains in his pants and jack in 30 years on the say so of some random strangers on the Internet.

BertieBotts · 21/02/2011 22:20

If he's saying he won't show you affection unless you fuck him - well, let him fuck you, he's going the wrong way about it. It's a two way street.

Fuck's sake, what the hell is wrong with the male posters on here tonight?

Surely it's simple. If your wife doesn't want sex, YOU DON'T DEMAND IT FROM HER WITHOUT EVEN MAKING AN EFFORT. IT'S NOT SOME GOD GIVEN RIGHT. Doesn't matter whether it's been months or not.

BertieBotts · 21/02/2011 22:21

X-posted with niceguy, sorry, I'll read that before I rant any more.

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