Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marital Finances What is Normal?

56 replies

Wayhay · 21/02/2011 06:34

I have been questioning a few things recently but would appreciate some honest (even if I don't want to hear it) opinions.
I have been with hubby for 17 years (we met when I was 19) and have two lovely kids aged 7 and 6. When we first met neither of us had a bean but we both saved hard to buy a home.
My DP has control issues and I have always agreed with him on financial matters. We have separate accounts and he earns 39k pa and I'm a stay at home mum but have a couple of part time jobs term time and my total income is about £5k pa. He pays all the bills and food shopping, one weeks holiday a year and puts a sum in the pot per week for weekly spend. I buy the childrens clothes, school trips etc. my clothes, one week uk holiday (god bless The Sun offers) and any decoration/furnishing that the house requires. He works 9-5 and in turn I keep kids and house so he doesn't need to.
I am wondering whether this is fair? We run one car and our mortgage isn't huge but he says that we are bumping along the bottom so we don't go out for meals, take the kids to the theatre, etc. I appreciate that a lot of fun can be had in the woods for nothing but every now and then? He has recently been going through receipts asking me to justify the shopping bill (even though im within his budget) and he went berserk when I spent £10 on having the car washed. I have access to his credit card but only use that for petrol.
I have rambled but am feeling very cheesed off at the moment! Please advise.

OP posts:
snowmama · 21/02/2011 06:43

To me that is not fair. I don't understand why you both don't treat it as a total household income of 45k out it which you do s household budget.

Are you saying you manage all clothes, a holiday and household repairs on 5k ? Or have I mis understood?

porpoisefull · 21/02/2011 06:53

There seem to be a number of issues here - I think what is 'normal' is, as snowmama says, to have a household pot from which all those sort of expenses are paid. To be fair, you should both be left with roughly the same amount of spending money in your personal accounts for your own use.

There's the question of whether you can afford certain treats, and he can't just rule them out unless you actually do the sums together.

Then the issue of trust and control. Unless one person really has problems with overspending you should both trust each other. I think behaviour like going through food shopping receipts is outrageous. He should not be treating you like a child.

IThinkTooMuch · 21/02/2011 07:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

givemesomespace · 21/02/2011 07:36

If your hubby isn't giving you financial freedom and equality, it's not an equal partnership - very simple IMO.

SAHM or mother's with part time jobs are just as valuable, if not more valuable, to the family and should be treated as such. This means that they should have complete financial equality.

Keeping control of finances is vital but should be done TOGETHER. You should scrutinise your total family spending (his and yours) TOGETHER.

As the key carer to your children, I can't imagine you would think of excluding him from decisions about the children, so he shouldn't CONTROL the finances.

As you can see, I'm sitting on the fence with this one.......

squeakytoy · 21/02/2011 07:45

Well it also depends on how much he puts into the "pot" each week. If it is £50 then thats not much.. if it is £200 thats different..

Also if he buys all the shopping and pays all the bills, and pays for one holiday a year, then your 5k plus child benefit I imagine, is not too bad.

givemesomespace · 21/02/2011 07:52

Agreed squeaky, but he's going beserk about £10 to get the car washed. Sounds a tad unreasonable to me.

coccyx · 21/02/2011 08:00

Hmm sounds one sided to me. seems your 5k has to go a lot further than his39k.
We put all income in one pot and discuss outgoings from there
If you didn't have the 5k what would he do

Original poster
Wayhay · 21/02/2011 08:02

I think I am at fault in some respects. Because he panics if he doesn't have control it has been easier for me to accept his way. He has shown me very detailed and complicated spreadsheets up until our retirement and because of my lack of financial understanding I confess they may as well be written in Greek. But that is childish of me I need to make it my business to understand.

We have never been in debt. I have never overdrawn or got out a loan. I'm not bothered about having stuff apart from clothes (I'm a Primark girl though).

Yes £5kish per annum is it.
I have thought in the past that I was lucky to have my own little income but I recently wanted breast reduction surgery cos they got massive after the kids im otherwise thin and I was on painkillers for back ache. He said no unless the NHS paid for it. GP incredibly supportive but credit crunch means the NHS not so generous. Fine. I tried to get interest free credit but because I have no credit rating they said no. This made me realise how dependent I am. DP has now got the 12 month credit for me but im paying him back £150 per month. The surgery went well and we both love the results. But now he gripes at every penny spent. I dread the bills because he moans if I make the odd call to a mobile on the land line for example.

Again rambling and thank you to those who have already given input. I feel like I'm just waking up and need to grow a back bone.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 21/02/2011 08:14

No, from your last post, it isnt an equal balance, and he does seem very controlling.

Would you be able to gain a bit more independence by upping your work hours, or looking for a full time job perhaps?

Original poster
Wayhay · 21/02/2011 08:18

He puts £80 in the pot a week. We all put our dabs in that (especially him). I am expected to account for that and have some left over if poss so he can take our lad to the football etc.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 21/02/2011 08:28

So he is putting it in, and then taking it back again ...

Is he frittering away his own money on whatever he likes, or is he a bit of a hoarder?

He sounds very much like my FIL who gave my MIL a certain amount each week, (only difference being he expected her to get ALL the shopping out of it too)..

KidderminsterKate · 21/02/2011 08:31

do you know how much his take home pay is and what your bills come to? He may well be finding things a stretch at the moment with just about everything going up in price. Being the main/ sole earner is stressful and can make you flip about a tenner here and there.

In a way its both your faults as he has taken full control and you have allowed him to.

Paying him back 150 a week though is odd....presumably that means you have less money for the things you usually buy hence taking more from the 'pot'.

Original poster
Wayhay · 21/02/2011 08:32

If I had any faith that he would help with the home and help with the many hospital apointments that my child needs (during working hours) I would enhance my earnings. Also we both didn't want our kids to have to spend holidays in child care until secondary school. Though I would never pass judgement on those who do. I think I am lucky to be a home maker but this finance situation is breeding very bad feeling in my heart.

OP posts:
KidderminsterKate · 21/02/2011 08:38

yes I can see why you would be getting resentful

are you a bit of a fritterer at heart though? In a past relationship I admit I did get a bit over controlling of the money but that was because of my ex BFs tendency to fritter money and I was worried it would leave us with not enought to pay the bills if I didnt take control.

Original poster
Wayhay · 21/02/2011 08:39

It's £150 a month. He is not really a fritterer but I think we are a little at odds. He hoards but then I don't wish to spend my dotage in the poor house and our children will need financial support when they grow up. Earlier comment was correct we are both to blame and we need a proper conversation. Thanks for your help

OP posts:
OutOutLetItAllOut · 21/02/2011 08:42

if his salary is 39, after tax, he will be bringing home, just short of 29.
how much is your mortgage?
what other outgoings do you have?
does he have reason to stress about money?

KidderminsterKate · 21/02/2011 08:43

yes - sit down and go through all the family outgoings and draw up a proper budget which incl the CB and your earnings - then if you both stick to it the problem should be solved.

If he doesnt want to do this then there may be more of a problem............

Good luck

Original poster
Wayhay · 21/02/2011 08:44

I do think life is for living but there is an important distinction between budgeting and controlling. I have never spent big money and have no interest in doing so. The op has been my only big luxury but then we are both happy. I don't feel like a milking cow he doesn't get stressed about people gawping. I'm not a keep up with the jones decorator either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wayhay · 21/02/2011 08:48

Mortgage? 325 a month i think. The one advantage of being old is that we haven't been crippled by housing markets.

OP posts:
nenevomito · 21/02/2011 08:49

I agree with the PPs that you need to sit down and learn about your finances. However, can I offer a different perspective?

We have a similar income to yours - except I am the main earner and my DH is the lower earner. I pay the bills and this is what it includes...

Mortgage
Council Tax
Gas
Electric
Water
Homeserve pipes / boiler cover.
Buildings insurance
Home contents insurance
Mortgage payment protection insurance
2 x Life insurance - me and DH
2 x Car insurance
Phone line rental
Broadband package
TV package
TV license
2 x Mobile phone contracts
Put aside money for car tax.

Then you have the non-bills like Food and Petrol.

To properly understand what is going out, you need to get a figure against each of these.

Recently there have been hikes in food and petrol prices and also our gas and electricity bills have gone up, which is eating into what was disposable income, so we don't go out to eat or have treats as such and we're certainly not going on holiday this year.

As the bill payer / person who takes control of our finances, what he says sounds about right. My DH is like you that he's happy to let me get on with it, but he has access to all of our joint accounts and understands exactly what goes out when, so he's never wondered if its fair as he knows it is.

ivykaty44 · 21/02/2011 08:56

This is your boss - right? Go to your union and get this sorted - it isn't acceptable behaviour

tribpot · 21/02/2011 09:03

I'm not sure your op was a luxury, even if by a medical definition not a necessity. It seems like perhaps your dh's attitude to money has changed since you had the procedure? I'm slightly horrified you're having to pay him back - surely this was a decision you both came to?

Original poster
Wayhay · 21/02/2011 09:16

Thank you ivykaty but I'm thinking about becoming self employed!

I'm not competing with other peoples incomes and expectations here. I am exploring what is fair within marriage whatever the circumstances. That includes me not dumping all the responsibility however getting dh to relinquish control is another matter.

Baby heave you are quite right i need to thoroughly investigate outgoings however the bills would need to be paid if I was there or not. Other than food and extra heating I'm not expensive to run. I pay my own phone bills. Whilst lucky to be a stay at home parent working parents should consider what it would cost to employ;

24 hour child care
Taxi
Cleaner
Chef
Gardener
Laundry service
Nurse
Extra services ;)

We work equally hard so I am coming to the realisation that I should take equal responsibility but then have equal control.

OP posts:
BaggedandTagged · 21/02/2011 09:22

It's really hard to say whether he's being unreasonable or not without knowing what he's saving every month. If he's got spreadsheets going up to retirement it sounds like he has a plan and is probably saving as much as he can.

I think you have to try to get a grip on the finances, even if you don't want to. You should have equal control, but to do that, you need to want to take responsibility for it as well IYSWIM.

OutOutLetItAllOut · 21/02/2011 09:25

wayhay,
you may think you are not expensvie to run, but those bills need to be paid.
and as you ALL live in the house you cant say that you onlu take up the food and heating.
the mortgage puts a roof over your head as well as the other, and the council tax goes towards things you all use.
the insurace protects you and your belongings as well as your husband and childrens.

i totally agree that you as a sahm provide valuable 'services', but you also use the 'services' the husband provides.

you should have more of an idea what your financial situation is, for your own good.
but if your hubby was been dealing with it for yrs, and you to your own admission, have paid no attention, even when he showed you the spreadsheet, you can really blame him for the situation you are currently in. you need to tell him that you NOW want more of an idea.