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Relationships

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Original poster

For those who don't practice monogamy (solidgold? etc) How on earth do you not become jealous?

467 replies

poshsinglemum · 17/02/2011 22:22

I am just curious as I am the most jealous insecure person ever and it's a horrid and unattractice trait. Is jealousy natural?

OP posts:

snowmama · 19/02/2011 14:31

single women

cabbageroses · 19/02/2011 14:33

A moment's insulting is better than a lifetime of heartbreak.....

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 19/02/2011 14:33

Look, demanding to know if a man is married when you are in the prelimnary stages of flirting is as rude and bunny-boilerish as demanding to know your partner's every move and police all his communications when he has never given you any reason not to trust him.

Alouiseg · 19/02/2011 14:35

I dont have the jealousy gene, yet im happily and monogamously married.

Dh is the proud owner of a green eyed monster and thinks i should be too.

StealthPolarBear · 19/02/2011 14:36

TBH if I had asked my DH that in the first few hours that I knew him, he wouldn't be my DH.
Although we met at school, so not really relevant.

atswimtwolengths · 19/02/2011 14:36

SCGB - having sex is hardly the preliminary stages of flirting, though, is it? I thought it was the culmination!

cabbageroses · 19/02/2011 14:38

Snow- she did ask that of SGB, who is a famous for her Non-Monogamy and Anti-Coupledom views.

I think the word police is emotive and unnecessary.

Police implies handcuffs, interrogation and sanctions. That was never part of my normal dating routine.

It is called having a conversation- it's what most people do before they get into bed with someone.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 19/02/2011 14:40

Cabbageroses: But you are saying that everyone should 'interrogate' potential sex partners and not just take their word for it that they are not committed elsewhere, and that it's all the fault of the single woman if she is lied to by a married man.

StealthPolarBear · 19/02/2011 14:40

I think we have to agree to disagree. TBH it would never ever occur to me that it was somehow my responsibility to ensure a man was free to have sex with me before he did (NB this is not the same as refusing to have sex with a man I believe to be involved with someone else). Others obviusly do feel that social responsibility.

PeterAndreForPM · 19/02/2011 14:42

it is the expectation that single women are expected to police married men that people disagree with.

I "police" myself and myself alone. Not out of "sisterhood" or as a misplaced crusade against promiscuous married men.

For me my conscience, my peace of mind as much as I able to

Sometimes we make mistakes and get lied to. That is life. Not asking the right questions in the first place is wrong, for me.

Alouiseg · 19/02/2011 14:43

My dh was in a relationship with someone else when we met. He walked away from their home after a month and married me 6 weeks before they were meant to get married.

If he was happy with her he wouldnt have fallen for me.

snowmama · 19/02/2011 14:44

..that was not the OP who asked it though - so not the original direction of the thread...

... when out on the pull, when someone presents themselves to you a single - they are already lying if they are not whether they verbalise it or not

You can ask the question - but anything other than a light tease is odd,because is assume that you are starting from the position that the other person is dodgy, which is insulting to everyone except the tiny minority who are married men.

Actually, the majority of people out there on the pull are reasonable and available - which why I am bemused as to why this whole conversation about non-monogamy has been boiled down to 'are you sure he is not married'.

PeterAndreForPM · 19/02/2011 14:45

sgb, you are using un-necessarily emotive language

and exaggerating other's points, for effect

IMO

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 19/02/2011 14:46

Snowmama: Me too. But then again it just shows how deep-running and persistent the monogamy cult is for some people - all life becomes about Get Your Hands Off My Man!

Anyway, exhilarating as all this is, am buggering off for the moment as have RL stuff to do. I will try to get through the rest of the day without inadvertently landing on any married men's cocks.

PeterAndreForPM · 19/02/2011 14:47

change the record, sgb

it's stuck

Malificence · 19/02/2011 14:53

To even think about asking that question infers that every single woman thinks that every man who chats her up is a potential liar.
The default position is surely to think that if someone is interested in you then they are unattached?

How has this thread gone from jealousy to policing the behaviour of men?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 19/02/2011 14:54

For those of you who are genuinely in a state of constant terror of all those Evil Other Women, might I recommend this as a more workable solution than haranguing other people all the time?
ANd now I really am going...

cabbageroses · 19/02/2011 14:56

Cabbageroses: But you are saying that everyone should 'interrogate' potential sex partners and not just take their word for it that they are not committed elsewhere, and that it's all the fault of the single woman if she is lied to by a married man.

Nope- didn't say that. You are putting the proverbial into my mouth - again. 2+2 does not make 5.

Did not use the word "interrogate". Suggested a conversation. Normal behaviour before sex- usually.

In fact I specifically said that your use of the word "policing" implied interrogation!
(You do use language that is emotive, provocative and confrontational- and I am sure you are fully aware of that. Do you work in advertising by the way?)

I said that women should at least try to ascertain if a man was unattached. If the woman asks, and is lied to then that is not her fault- how could it possibly be? It's the not asking, or not having a long enough conversation to make a reasonable judgement that is wrong.

And the "not taking their word for it" shows that the topic has been raised- whether he is liar is another matter.

PeterAndreForPM · 19/02/2011 14:58

sgb, you are as guilty of "haranguing" as anybody else

you are allowed your regular rants about "monogamy cults" but no-one is allowed to point out that your stance is just as repetitive and insulting as those you are attempting to denigrate ?

MsHighwater · 19/02/2011 15:06

I find SGB's views about "the monogamy cult" amusing but I don't buy it. I don't give a toss whether monogamy is a natural instinct or culturally driven. I believe that most people aspire to it and that it will serve those who follow it well (assuming you choose your life partner wisely).

That said, I don't believe it is up to a single person to exhaustively satisfy themselves that their prospective partner is genuinely available before they have sex.

cabbageroses · 19/02/2011 15:07

Mal- I think the reason this thread has gone from jealousy to what is happeningnow is because:

women who are non-mongamous are tending to want men for short term sex. (As detailed by SGB in many a thread since BC 12000 or thereabouts.)

Men who want short term sex, flings, affairs etc can be single, but often they are not.

They are often very happy to be in "Coupledom" - in their own way. Their own way means the occasional fuck with someone not their partner/wife is ok.

So if you are caring, single woman who wants sex but doesn't want to upset a marriage- and you know you are looking only for sex and not a Relationship, then surely it makes sense to ensure the other person is in the same place as you are?

Because sadly, as all Mn know, there are plenty of married/partnered men who are happy to have sex outside their relationship especially with a woman who is up for it and single.

snowmama · 19/02/2011 15:15

I too really have to step away from the computer. Loads of assumptions there - actually lots married people have affairs with other married people.

The main time in my life, I have had married men actively make passes at me is when I was married and wearing my wedding ring.

... but the fundemental point I disagree with here is

"Man = unable to control sexual urges" ,
"Woman - able to control sexual urges - should be caring and ensure nothing untoward happens"

massively patronising against both men and women.

PeterAndreForPM · 19/02/2011 15:15

I understand the bit about how far do you go though, to ensure you are both single

You can only ask and use your intuition to ascertain if they are telling the truth. Comments about "get it in writing then" or "interrogate him" are just reactionary, IMO

I would never blame a woman who made a mistake, or got lied to, I hope I made that clear

We are not talking about women who would go ahead regardless though are we, so I don't need to type my thoughts about that

snowmama · 19/02/2011 15:23

PA.. I am pretty sure right at the begining of the thread it was pretty much unanimously agreed that targetting someone known to be married/committed was a bad thing.

kiwifruitisfun · 19/02/2011 15:50

I lived as part of a foursome for ages. It totally **ed me up when it all fell apart.

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