For those who don't practice monogamy (solidgold? etc) How on earth do you not become jealous?

[poshsinglemum]

I am just curious as I am the most jealous insecure person ever and it's a horrid and unattractice trait. Is jealousy natural?

aswim, but the argument on here is that you should be checking that a man is single before you sleep with him - do you agree? I don't think many people would argue that's it's OK to sleep with someone you know isn't avaiable (and as you say, it's fairly easy to figure out).
This is all hypothetical for me btw. My odds of having a one night stand are probably similar to my odds of winning the lottery.

Peter - whilst i am sure that there are few who activly set out to snag a married man, at the point of a one night stand you are both aware that it will lead n further than sex.
it is pure physical attraction.

I don't think there is need for digging into his homelife.

If he has chose to persue the one night stand then that is for him and his conscience, the woman has done nothing wrong...unless he made her aware of the wife of course

StayFrosty.. I am kind of wondering exactly the same thing.

There is an interesting discussion to be had about nonmonogamy - but somehow we are not actually having it!

Pure physical attraction should over-ride your own moral stance then? (I understand not everyone's stance is the same...evidenced by this thread)

Haven't had a ONS for a long time but, in my life, an evening spent chatting, flirting etc should give you a reasonable idea of whether a bloke is attached or not if

a) you have half-decent skills in reading verbal and non verbal language

b) you are bothered enough to try

Of course, some men will lie and perhaps you find out later. Sometimes you even fancy them that much you subconsciously ignnore that inner voice. Mistake made, it's happened to me but I didn't let myself off the hook completely. I should have known better, and I don't think it's ok, certainly not for me.

Yes, I agree that when you reach an age where most people are married/in a partnership, you should check whether the person you want to sleep with is single or otherwise free to sleep with you.

It's different when you're 20 as most people are single; when you hit your late thirties upwards most people are part of a couple, so you ask beforehand what the situation is.

Unless of course you have no control over yourself.

I don't think attraction supercedes morality.

But if asked either directly or indirectly whether he is attached, if he says no then you have no obligation to delve further.

Of course many women will want to know for their own self assurance but, for the "sake of other women" i don't think you must.

It is he that is behavingbadly, not the she.

I personaly would not sleep with a man i suspected as having a wife but that doesn't mean i believe that the woman is to blame for a mans infidelity

"It's different when you're 20 as most people are single; when you hit your late thirties upwards most people are part of a couple, so you ask beforehand what the situation is."

So you'd assume people are behaving badly rather than the opposite?

When you say this, SGB As to the stuff about having an interesting life with a committed partner, unless you are particularly lucky or particularly tough, early commitment to couplehood generally means a woman's life becomes about the partner.

I simply do not recognise that.

All the women I know have very equal relationships or are dominant in the partnership.

Are you making a general ( eroneous IMO, ) point, or is this based on personal experience?

I think what irritates me about your stance is that not only do you say commitment or long term relationships are not for you- you are entitled to that- but you then proceed to draw sweeping conclusions about why they don't work, or bang on about women being servants etc etc adding in loads of other pseudo sociological "facts" which are not facts at all, they are just your opinion.

Why don't you just come clean and say some of your lovers are married, you didn't bother to find out if they were beforehand, and you don't really care?

I am well and truly baffled by the idea that if my DH cheats, it is the OW's fault for not interrogating him properly. The OW has NOT made any vows or committment to me. If OW pursues DH knowing he is married, yes that is a shitty thing to do, but the onus is STILL on DH to resist.

Anyway, as has been said before, the vast majority of non-monogamous people aren't interested in getting involved with people who are deceiving their primary partner. I wish we could just have a discussion about non-monogamy without it being turned into this ridiculous witch-hunt that would be better placed on Jerry Springer.

I agree with your point about equality in relationships cabbage, but I think you are being unfair to SGB - in fact I think she has specifically said she would never knowing;ly get involved with someone who was unavailable

Absolutly Yank.

But sadly it is just another display of how our misogynist society portrays men as feeble weak minded fools who are mere prey to the sex hungry nymph that is out to ruin his lovely family.

of course it is the womans fault. poos man was just doing what is natural wheras she has somehow betrayed her sisterhood.

I don't think I have ever said it was the woman's fault; I did say it was a joint responsibility. As WWIFN said- you would be colluding.

Stealth, it's called chatting before you have sex! For god's sake, it's not assuming anything, except that it's normal to have a bit of a conversation before having sex.

But do you not think a guy who is willing to cheat on his wife might lie and cover up the fact he is married?

You see, there's another wierd assumption (to me anyway) that when you get past 30 'everyone' is already committed to heteromonogamy. Maybe I just move in less boring social circles but among my friends, there are at least as many single people as couples (monogamous or otherwise).
And as to the equal couples thing, a quick look round here will show you woman after woman married to men who put themselves first all the time and expect the woman to pick up all the slack WRT domestic shitwork and childcare.
Yes, lots of people have happy marriages, monogamous or not, and good luck to them, I'm perfectly happy for people to do what makes them happy.
Oblomov, you are talking complete crap now. DO you really think that your mother being a counsellor qualifies you to diagnose random strangers on the internet as 'in need of counselling'? OK so my post was a bit hyperbolical (I am not in genuine fear that you are going to leap out of my computer with a hypodermic and a Surrendered Wife manual) but the underlying assumption, that a person with a different viewpoint must Need Counselling eg be 'treated' and 'fixed' to make them conform is an unpleasant one.

Yes, of course some men lie

and so some women

there isn't a great deal you can do about that, tbh, other than brush up on your spotting the liar skills

or excuse yourself from even asking because, well, he might lie anyway, so what is the point ?...

I do generally engage in some conversation before sex, as it happens. I'd quite like to get some idea of whether or not the guy's a racist, drug dealer, violent thug or religious nut before I shag him, particularly if I'm contemplating taking him back to my place.

yes he may well do so- or say he is separated, when he isn't etc etc- but that's not what is being discussed.

The OP asked if women who did not believe in monogmay slept with married men. Most of the posts here say it is not the woman's business to find out {hmm]but the man's to confess, or keep clear of them. Lying will happen- but as long as you have asked about their status, then it's not the same as ignoring the possibility and not asking at all.

No, but what';s the point in asking:

-if they're single, they will be telling the truth
-if they're attache they will lie

In what way does that help, exactly?

PeterAndre are you under the assumption that I have never a) detected that a man hitting on me is married and b) therefore declined his attentions?

I don't know anything about you, sgb

OFFS Stealth- have you not got antennae that will catch out the liars? Of course men may lie but not all of them are good at it.

A simple statement from you along the lines of "I trust you are not married as I only have sex with single men you know" is likely to send a lot of them packing before they even have to start to try to lie.

oh fair enough. As I have said before it simply isn't an issue for me.
However I do think it's a bit insulting for the faithful majority to even ask the question.

Cabbages.. the OP did not ask if women who belive in monogamy slept with married men ! It was brought in totally randomly..

.. and every person interested in nonmonogamy here - has explicitly said they are not interested in lying, attached people...

it is the expectation that single men are expected to police married men that people disagree with.