For those who don't practice monogamy (solidgold? etc) How on earth do you not become jealous?

[poshsinglemum]

I am just curious as I am the most jealous insecure person ever and it's a horrid and unattractice trait. Is jealousy natural?

Actually, you are right, that IS my point.
Not an assumption though. Am basing this on the actual words and sentences thta have been posted.
And was so asking. questioning.
But if you are disputing, that is fine. Please correct me.

Posie, agreed. It never ever ever occured to me that I was owned. That ownership was part of the deal. I think it speaks VOLUMES about how love and relationships are seen.

Becasue Love and relationships are NOT seen that way by Me.

It isn't naivity. It is assuming that adults that have made promises are the ones to ensure they stick to them, not random strangers. I am sure you are right about 40% of men on dating sites. Still, if they say they are single then that is up to them and no one else.
I wasn't making it personal - it was a rhetorical question, something to think about, sorry f that didn't come across. Point I'm making is there is a chance people are lying but in the absesnse of any evidence to the contrary, in general people should be given the benefit of the doubt.

I'm not a jealous person. I'm just not. I understand perfectly what jealousy is, and I've seen it in others, but I just don't get that way myself.
Also, monogamy is not biologically natural, but culturally it is expected. Despite the fact it doesn't really work for the majority of folk these days.

I am like stealth and haven't even considerred sleeping with anyone since millenium !!
Stealth why were you asking cabbage if her OH had another life. what like an OW ? Ha ha.
On the very very rare occassions when dh and laugh about these things, he says he doesn't have enough energy to let me give him a blowjob when Spurs are playing Inter-Milan, let alone have enough energy to maintain anythign else (affair,OW). Tis all a bit of a giggle to us. Seriously , I never know how anyone over 35 has enough energy to maintain an affir !!

I really don't think it is about correcting anyone.

For some - intimacy and love are dependent on an exclusive monogomous relationship..

For me.. it is not. I love openly and deeply, lots of people (non-romantically and romantically) - some people I have sex with, I don't love (but I like ) ..

All people I keep in my life bring value, sustanance(sp?) and happiness to my life and vice versa - just don't ask me to do the one on one 'you and me love' because I cant'.

neither is wrong, just different...

Forgetting cabbage's life, as she's right, it shouldn't be personal, how many of us in committed relationships check our OH doesn't have another life? And how many choose to take him at face value?

Just out of interest, how would you check whether someone who wants to sleep with you (one night stand) is available to do so? What process would you go through?

I actually find it quite insulting that people who have different opinions should be dispatched off to counselling - so a different viewpoint means you have to be drugged or verbally bullied into conformity Or Else?
As to romantic love, it's very often one-sided and the other partner is just going along with it. For those people whose preferred option is heteromonogamy, what usually happens is you get to a stage in your life where you want to 'settle down' and the first acceptable partner who is equally interested in pairbonding becomes The One. Of course, sometimes the imbalance (one partner being a lot more IN Love than the other) never does correct, and the marriage breaks up. Often because the one who thought the other partner Would Do finds someone else that s/he really does feel passionate love for...
I am not disputing that human beings need company, affection, someone they can trust/rely on etc: but these things are not only available within a monogamous relationship or indeed a romantic/sexual relationship.

As to the stuff about having an interesting life with a committed partner, unless you are particularly lucky or particularly tough, early commitment to couplehood generally means a woman's life becomes about the partner. Not many men are willing to have the female partner be the star/leader in the relationship and that is probably one of the biggest reasons why I don't want a couple-relationship.

Oblomov I am 31 and sometimes don't have time to brush my hair. Any time I could dedicate to another life would be better spent sleeping. Unless of course you count MN as my other life - which is probably fair enough

"early commitment to couplehood generally means a woman's life becomes about the partner"

Really?? Certainly not the case here. This has usually come down to study/ work, and sometimes his job has taken priority, other times mine has. Depends on the circumstances.

I think that for someone to constantly worry about where their Oh is and what he is doing is tragic. the idea that you should be doing background checks on anyone you wish to sleep with is just astonishing.

And i think ownership does have a part to play.

Those that are jealous feel that they hjave some form of ownership. "that person is MINE and i don't want anyone else enjoying them"

I also think that there are some seriously offensive commenst on this thread made purely through ignorance.

So someone chooses to walk a different path and they are therefore wrong and need therapy?

I am now in a totally mono marriage. But I have not always lived so. I am far too vain to be jealous. it just sin't something i expereince.
If it is a casual relationship i do not feel i have any right to tell them what they can or cant do when not with me.

As SGB has said, once you chose to make a relationship monogamous that is precisely that. An active decision to exclude others. If one of you decides to breach that trust then they are wrong.
But until that point ....

SPB: Not always, sure. Some people do manage a happy balance. And some people are perfectly happy to follow a partner's lead anyway. But in most cases early marriage, particularly if followed by early motherhood, means a woman becomes an appendage and a servant: she doesn't get any time to think about who she is and what she wants. This is sometimes linked in with some women's monogamy obsession: if the only thing you have to focus on is Keeping Your Man then everything is a threat.

hmmmm I'm not sure. Most of my friends and our family (same age anyway) are the same. Biased sample I suppose. I can't think of anyone whose life depends on what the man in their life happens to do (all the time anyway). Maybe I just don't know all the detial.

can anyone answer: how would you check whether someone who wants to sleep with you (one night stand) is available to do so? What process would you go through?

Well, stealth, you could always go to his house to have sex.

You could always have his landline number and call whenever you wanted.

It's not bloody rocket science, working out whether a man is with someone!

good answer :o
Is that the only way then? What if that's not an option?

Talking about a one night stand here

man on business trip to new city. Unless you have a friend at the police willing to go through a PNC for you what can you do? nothing.

It is a one night stand. it is purely lust and opportunity. what does it matter to you whether he is married? That is his problem and for his conscience to deal with.

it would matter to me

God, you are so prickly aren't you. Thats meant to SGB and snowmama.

Right. Lets start again. And I will try and be VERY VERY careful about which words I use. So that I don't give you the opportunity to penalise me, and only focus on ONE word of my posts. Whilst ignoring every other question I put to you and the general sense of my post.

OK, lets try again.

Snowmama. You said "by refusing monogomy you have closed emotional doors. Which I would dispute...". What IO should have said was, 'if are are disputing this, could you pelase explain more, clarify. You dispute this ? o.k. please explain why.

SGB has a great skill and twisting everyhting.
"I actually find it quite insulting that people who have different opinions should be dispatched off to counselling - so a different viewpoint means you have to be drugged or verbally bullied into conformity Or Else?"
HA HA HA HA AH
I am sorry. But I don't beleive I said anything of the sort. Talk about putting words into my mouth !!!

Talk about OTT. someone suggests that GENERALLY counselling looks at the hurt that someone has faced , and why they put up protectors. (By the way, my mum is a counsllor, and I am currently having counselling, re my SN son and poor diabetes).

But YOU INTERPRTET this as me saying that someone needs to be bullied or drugged into thinking differently, because their views are non majortity.

You assumpations, and leaps from what I actually write, to what you end up thinking,are so astonishing, that are BIZZARE.

But yes, you probably do need conselling.

You are insinuating that i HAVE PREVIOUSLY POSTED SOME, WIERD BNP TYPE NONSENSE,: "Lets just drug SGB ladies, and beat the living daylights out of her, until her unacceptable beliefs on non-monogomous relationships are removed.
And while we're at it, we can beat the living daylights out of any other non majority groups aswell. aNYONE NON WHITE SKINNED, ETHNIC MONORITIES, GAY, LET BEAT IT OUT OF THEM " (for anyone wondering, this is a joke, I am trying to prove thta SGB is insinuating that I have previously posted some sort of sick stuff, as this, but in actual fact I have not, obviously)

OH PLEASE. You are making me out to be some sort of wierd BNP supporter or soemthing.

Would you like to quote my directly. And question me on something I have actually written ?

Yes, if it's a one night stand then it's up to him, isn't it.

HOWEVER... don't you find one night stands tacky when you get out of your twenties?

and no, my DH has not cheated on me and made me a bitter monogamy-obsessed harridan before anyone infers that

my own piece of mind is what matters to me, I also wouldn't give a shit about a bloke's conscience

It would matter to me, too, Peter Andre.

errmm ok Oblomov.. I have no idea what most of that post is about.. but.. all I meant was it is possible to be emotionally open and non-monogomous..the only dispute is to your position on closing doors emotionally is - 'I disagree'.

I don't really think that there is any more complexity to it than that.