Is H having his cake and.....

[womblingfree1970]

A bit of a complicated story.H and I split several years ago.Broken trust on both sides.Both of us had caused issue in our marriage.So we seperated and were heading for divorce.

I stayed in the home with our young children and he moved out.Our house was a mortgaged home and so I knew(sought legal advice) that when the youngest reached 18 I would have to sell up or pay H his share of property.Since split I have been a single mum.So I've been the one bringing up the children(visits to dad),providing for the children financially,emotioanlly.Upkeep of home etc etc.The only thing he has provided is £5 a week child support and the odd contribution to school trips where he's paid half.

The £5 a week is a bit of an issue as he earns £40,000 a year but because of a totally legal loophole he only has to declare minimum wage and so only has to pay minimum child support.And yes its totally legal and there was nothing I could do about it.

Well a few years down the lines and we've decided to give things another go.We have been seeing each other for more than a year and a half.The arrangement has been that he comes over and sees me and kids.We go out for day trips with the occasional overnight stay during week and things have been going well.Of course the aim being that we get back together if things go well.And things have been

Well last night we had a chat about our future and what next.H drops a bombshell that although he would like to move back in eventually he doesn't see a way foreward because if he moves back in he has to give up the flat he is in now and so if things don't work out he then has no home and the place he is in now is cheap rent and he'd be very very lucky to get somewhere like that again.Also if he moves back in and he loses his job(he's self employed) and then we split he would then be in the position of no job and no home.He said he can't think of anything to sort this out.

I can understand the reasons for the latter.Its because when we split several years back he had no job and no where to go but because of the circumstances(which were his doing at the time) he was the one who left and he had to move in with a sister.This sister has now moved abroad so if this were to happen again he really would have no where to go.

So yes I understand his situation and the difficulties with it but on mine and more importantly the childrens side of things,we can't live like this forever.Where I am basically living as a single mum,bringing up the children but he pops around to see us.And he has only himself to look after and do as he pleases in his home.One of my thoughts are wouldn't I be better of going it alone and building a new life where I could potentially meet someone new.

So to sum it up I'm the one looking after the children full time(fiancially and emotionally) and maintaining the home(fiancially and general maintainance like decorating etc).And he is living in a flat where he only has himself to look after and spend the evenings watching tv or sleeping.Paying me £5 child support.

Isn't this him having his cake and eating it.

Are you going to call a solicitor today?

womblingfree1970

Need to see a solicitor.

Dances with joy. Well done.
Take some notes with you.

When he left
What he gives you
What his work is
What he gets paid
Details of his bank accounts.
Details of his savings
Where he lives

What you want:
I guess
keep the house
get some proper child support
a sniff of some of the "assets of the marriage" if he's been sniffing about the house [incidentally "he paid some of the mortgage, 'cos it came from a joint account"; oh please... do discuss that with the solicitor, too]

so this geezer has about 2k a MONTH disposable income, primarely because he does not financially support his own children and is moaning because he might be worse off if he moves back in?

1.he is indeed a tightfisted tosser
2.why in the name of everything holy would you want him back?!

Have you considered this: he has been living in a council flat for five years.

He has had the opportunity to squirrel away in excess of £100 000.

£100 000.

He has probably been given the Right to Buy this apartment.

Perhaps he already has.

Go to the Land Registry website - (£3-4) will let you know who owns the apartment. Him, or the council still.

I personally don't think the timing of his announcement is entirely coincidental.

Just a thought, eh?

oh - must not reply before reading entire post

...and no. You are quite correct in not wanting to get involved with someone else right now.

You are vunerable and need some much deserved time for yourself

Wombling - good on you.

Visit more than one (Solicitor)

Yes you do and you need to stop listening to your husband as he is looking out for himself first,last and in the middle.

Good call wombling. We are right here.

hi again, it was this comment
One of my thoughts are wouldn't I be better of going it alone and building a new life where I could potentially meet someone new.

that made me think you were considering finding someone new.

In the context of the whole 8 pages I realise there's a whole heap of other stuff going on here.

I don't envy you and wish you every strength in sorting this out.

The savings/flat issue aside I do think you are being massively taken advantage of by this guy.

In terms of moving forward get your free 30mins with a solicitor before you discuss anything more with him.

Make sure you have all the information you need - knowledge is power - and a decision on what YOU want for the future before you confront him is my advice.

How do you think he will react when you present him with all this?

Good luck

((How do you think he will react when you present him with all this?))

He will see this as a betrayal.

Just wanted to ask as I know alot you have been angered by the £5 40K thing.

Would it be different if I had said that he has paid his way since we have been seperated but that now when I have suggested that maybe its time he moves back in and he had used his 'excuse'.what advice would you all be giving me now.

The reason I ask is his initial 'reason' for paying me £5 through the csa by declaring minimum wage was because he knew if he paid more I wouldn't see any of it.So he did this and said that he would give kids money direct and pay for other things like schooltrips and anything else they needed.

so if you take this part out of the equation what advice would be given then?

very little different; the house is in your name. You've been coping alone and he's giving you the old I'll take 40% bollocks.

He's still a scumbag, and you really need your bumps feeling if you are even considering taking the lowlife back. As for letting him in the door...

If you came on here and said this man wanted to be your 'husband' but live in his own flat and come and go as he pleases - I'd tell you to say get stuffed! Regardless of the five quid issue

But I can't understand why you are defending him - he never had given you any more he has just squirrelled it away - leaving you with no savings and no security. And he wants to claim half of your house after keeping all his money from you!

In a conversation we had(when divorce was definately on the cards) he did say that he would only take his % share of house if I met someone new.
And would not want the % if I was still on my own and had no finances to pay it.And as long as he didn't need it.Of course this was just words and I couldn't be sure he would or wouldn't hhave stuck to his word.

I know one of the things people will ask is why did he register an interest then with land registry.Well this was before he got his well paid job and he was advised to do so by his solicitor.So did it.(this happened just after he was kicked out)

Oh btw I'm not defending him. I just want to paint a full picture of this.

Doesn't make any difference really. He's had the opportunity the whole time to give more money to his children off the record but instead he's insisted on you going halves on any extras over and above the paltry £5 a week he contributes.

It's a waste of energy defending him OP. We can all read between the lines here and no amount of 'yeah buts' can deflect or detract from the fact that this bloke is a mean-fisted, horrible cunt.

Honestly if he'd been paying a decent and fair sum for the support and upkeep of his kids and you were both okay with his keeping the bolt hole I'd say why not.

Lots of family units live in different ways that work for them - it doesn't have to be traditional but it does have to be FAIR!

Putting all the money issues aside, I quite like the idea someone else floated whereby you shared the bolt hole.

That it's a council flat is still an issue tho - there are others who need that sort of subsidised accommodation much more.

My X also promised he would never touch the property I owned before I met him. After he forced teh sale of our family home thru business failing thru his lack of work whilst having an affair and subsequent break down etc etc he tried to put a charge on my property! Conveniently forgot that of the proceeds of the family home sale (leaving me homeless whilst he skulked at his parents altho turned out he was with his mistress really!) he took the lions share of tens of thousands to pay off his business debts!

Words are just words - my X also claimed he only suggested because his solicitor advised him he was entitled to it!

Just read most of this thread and this bloke is making me feel sick.

He definitely wants his cake and eat it. OP, get yourself some legal advice and stand your ground. I wouldn't let him back to be honest. He's really not done right by his children.....

You sound like you want him back so you should know that he wants everything on his terms, to keep all his money for himself, is defrauding the council/tax office and hasn't once asked how you feel about getting properly back together and how you will feel/what you will do when if it all goes wrong.

He sounds smashing.

OP,
Just a thought but have you made a will? Sorry to be sounding so morbid but you need to ensure that YOUR assets go to looking after your children if you die. I think you should discuss this when you go to see your new solicitor. God forbid that anything should happen to you (but you never know). If you are still legally married, your husband would probably have title to the house over your kids. Seeing as he has paid so little for their welfare up to now, can you trust him to look after them financially and see them through higher education/uni, driving lessons, or to set up home in the future?

Can any legal person give an opinion on this please?

Make that appointment soon OP.

I've been thinking about this today and wondering if he's being deliberately deceitful and taking the piss or just monumentally selfish without realising.

Like I said before, to a degree I can understand his hesitation if things go wrong, what if. But at the same time, you are not some GF he's just met but his wife and you have two kids together already.

I think you should continue with getting some legal advice. But at the same time, why don't you suggest the following and see what his reaction would be:

Suggest that he moves back in with you for 6 months and keep the flat running. Perhaps he can go back say once a week. Now I know thats not right since once he's living with you, he's keeping someone else who may need the flat from having it but then if he's not living with you then he's got it anyway, if that makes sense.

After six months, you will both sit down and discuss. If either of you aren't happy then you both agree to call it a day, stop wasting each other's time & divorce. If you are both happy then he gives up his flat, grows a set of bollocks and commits to you all and live happily ever after.

I think this would be a good idea as you will quickly see if he's serious or not. If he's still "oh well...erm...well...." then he's definitely taking the piss and you are well rid. If he thinks about it and gives it a bash then perhaps we've misjudged him and he's just been an insensitive, selfish arsehole. But at least he'd be your selfish arsehole!

But whatever you do, get yourself proper legal advice about where you stand assuming the worst. As a very wise man once said, talk softly but carry a big stick.

I miss AF

People have given you good advice on here and everyone agress that your partner is not a nice person. Most can not believe that you are still with him or let him in your bed but you have for a year and half.

Are you in love with the person you are sleeping with? Or just want an easy life?

You have said you would go see a solicitor, have you made an appointment yet?

If he had provided for his children and he just wanted to keep his flat and he was not already your husband i would say bump him as he is a commitment phobic. He will not commit to you fully and wants his own life seprate to your family. If you have douts about it working after a year and a half then you are with the wrong person.

As you are married and split once already why would it work the second time round?

The family that you have in your head is not the family that this man can give you not before and not now.

Your DD is 8 - what would your advice be to her if she was in the same situation as you if she were an adult? Do you think the relationship between you and her father is healthy for her to see? Would you be happy for her to emulate your relationship?

Sorry to be harsh but i dont think your seeing the big picture or you are just happy to delude yourself about this man

((Suggest that he moves back in with you for 6 months and keep the flat running. Perhaps he can go back say once a week. Now I know thats not right since once he's living with you, he's keeping someone else who may need the flat from having it but then if he's not living with you then he's got it anyway, if that makes sense.

After six months, you will both sit down and discuss. If either of you aren't happy then you both agree to call it a day, stop wasting each other's time & divorce. If you are both happy then he gives up his flat, grows a set of bollocks and commits to you all and live happily ever after.))

Niceguy2

We talked about this the other night when we had our chat.There was an issue with this tho.I of course would come of benefits during this time as he would have returned to the family home.B

ut he said if I did this then council would find out that he's living with me so can't be living at flat and would ask for flat back.(not sure if this is the case,but I would imagine it is).So he would lose his flat and if it didn't work out he'd have to rent privately.

So again that was his reason for not giving it ago.

Hmmm, hadn't considered your benefits thing. That is indeed an issue.

I still think its worth testing the water and seeing what his intentions truly are. Tell him that for 6 months, neither of you will declare it. The idea is that you take that argument off the table and see if he either then thinks its a good idea or if he conjures up another.

The aim is to see if he's taking the piss or just being incredibly thoughtless. You don't HAVE to go through with the above if you are satisfied he's really working towards moving back and not just eating all the cakes.

So, I think that's your answer...