Is H having his cake and.....

[womblingfree1970]

A bit of a complicated story.H and I split several years ago.Broken trust on both sides.Both of us had caused issue in our marriage.So we seperated and were heading for divorce.

I stayed in the home with our young children and he moved out.Our house was a mortgaged home and so I knew(sought legal advice) that when the youngest reached 18 I would have to sell up or pay H his share of property.Since split I have been a single mum.So I've been the one bringing up the children(visits to dad),providing for the children financially,emotioanlly.Upkeep of home etc etc.The only thing he has provided is £5 a week child support and the odd contribution to school trips where he's paid half.

The £5 a week is a bit of an issue as he earns £40,000 a year but because of a totally legal loophole he only has to declare minimum wage and so only has to pay minimum child support.And yes its totally legal and there was nothing I could do about it.

Well a few years down the lines and we've decided to give things another go.We have been seeing each other for more than a year and a half.The arrangement has been that he comes over and sees me and kids.We go out for day trips with the occasional overnight stay during week and things have been going well.Of course the aim being that we get back together if things go well.And things have been

Well last night we had a chat about our future and what next.H drops a bombshell that although he would like to move back in eventually he doesn't see a way foreward because if he moves back in he has to give up the flat he is in now and so if things don't work out he then has no home and the place he is in now is cheap rent and he'd be very very lucky to get somewhere like that again.Also if he moves back in and he loses his job(he's self employed) and then we split he would then be in the position of no job and no home.He said he can't think of anything to sort this out.

I can understand the reasons for the latter.Its because when we split several years back he had no job and no where to go but because of the circumstances(which were his doing at the time) he was the one who left and he had to move in with a sister.This sister has now moved abroad so if this were to happen again he really would have no where to go.

So yes I understand his situation and the difficulties with it but on mine and more importantly the childrens side of things,we can't live like this forever.Where I am basically living as a single mum,bringing up the children but he pops around to see us.And he has only himself to look after and do as he pleases in his home.One of my thoughts are wouldn't I be better of going it alone and building a new life where I could potentially meet someone new.

So to sum it up I'm the one looking after the children full time(fiancially and emotionally) and maintaining the home(fiancially and general maintainance like decorating etc).And he is living in a flat where he only has himself to look after and spend the evenings watching tv or sleeping.Paying me £5 child support.

Isn't this him having his cake and eating it.

I agree with dittany.

When's your solicitor's appointment.

"he would only take his % share of house if I met someone new."

So as long as you behave as he sees fit you will have a roof over your head. Remind us again of any good qualities that this man has?

((still think its worth testing the water and seeing what his intentions truly are. Tell him that for 6 months, neither of you will declare it. The idea is that you take that argument off the table and see if he either then thinks its a good idea or if he conjures up another.))

I think and believe he would agree to this as he has said something along these lines himself.Of course I can't actually do that,so we're stuck

wombling....please read this....

I was in a similar sort of position with my xH. It was much more complicated for various reasons, but suffice to say my exH did not pay me a penny for the children for four years after we split. He is also part of a family business where all their assets were hidden from me.

To cut a very long story short, the judge was disgusted with his mean and arrogant attitude, and awarded me a house and enough to live on for ever.

I still have to work , but my bills are seen to.

He was forced to pay for one of his children until he is 18, but has never given either of them a penny apart from that.

He used to say 'oh well if you want something you just have to ask' to the children, so when they did ask he screamed in their faces and said he had no money.

Divorce this man NOW, and he will have to disclose all his money to the court. No judge on earth will leave you with such an imbalance that he gets everything and you get nothing. And believe me, judges do not take kindly to any person who fiddles their children out of their rightful money for keep.

Meaness with money is a terrible trait, and goes along with meaness of heart and soul in my opinion.

This man is using you.

And lastly, do not tell him anything...let your solicitor do the talking.

Good luck xx

• 1 for don't tell him

He is not going to change his mind. He does not want to be with you properly. He won't take a chance so isn't that much in love with you. He won't walk away and divorce as he wants a piece of your house. He won't pay out for his kids even though he said he would. You need to get yourself to the self esteem shop.

Just an example of what a decent man does.
My DP lived with his ex for 12 years. She had a property before they got together, but she bought a new place and he contributed to the mortgage all that time. He behaved badly, and she kicked him out (tho they are still friends - she is a lovely and very fair lady, the bad behaviour was way before me, we have been together 8 years) but there was NO WAY he would have applied for any money from the house.
His reasoning - it was her house/mortgage first, the sale of the original house paid towards subsequent properties, he wouldnt have had the drive to move up the property ladder himself, wherever he lived he would have had to pay rent, so a mortgage was no different really, and although they were not in a relationship anymore, he wouldnt do that to her, he felt it would be unfair on her.

Another thing that bothered me earlier was your H's comment that he didnt want to 'start again' because you werent working and he would be paying the mortgage. But surely if that was the case you WOULD be working - caring for the home/children/DISABLED child - just because you were not able to contribute a wage, does that make you worthless?? I thought times had moved on from where a womans contribution as a SAHM was viewed as negligable. Especially in a family law court.

Honestly, the more I read and the more you try and defend him, the more I think he's a total scumbag. And that you must be pretty desperate to consider making a go of it.
Yeah I understand the stuff about parents for kids etc. But he's already said he'd be happy to fling you all up the wall for the money side of things.
Tosser. How can you bear to be near him.

Do you know what.
It doesn't really matter at all what he thinks or what he says.
You need to see a solictior who will tell you the facts and then make up your mind what you are going to do and not be under his control anymore.

Harder to do than to say I know. Good luck

H rang today.He thinks the only issue I have is that he's saying he can't move back to the marrital home because of the risk he's taking.

well I brought up with him the fact that the other issue I have if the fact that he said he'd pay CSA £5 but give kids money direct and also the issues around me paying half of a holiday.

Now his answer was he asked if I could pay half but then did say to me is that ok with me.And I said yes.This is all true.

I said but what if I had said no I'm not ok with it.He didn't answer this.

Also I feel he shouldn't be asking in the first place.

Also with regards to money for kids he says he has told me that all I have to do is ask for it and I can have it.And that he does offer when he hears about a trip.And that he has paid all fees towards my daughters tuition.Which is true.

Wanted to know what you guys think.Feel like perhaps I'm just not assertive enough in saying look can I have Money for things.Thing is I manage ok.Always been good with money and so I manage well.

The other thing about the house he said the reason he would ask for % of house was only if I met somone else as it doesn't seem fair that some other guy living in a house when he paid towards a mortgage and actually helped towards paying it off.We both scrimped to pay it off quick.And that he wouldn't want any money if it was just me and the kids.

Anyway what do you lots think about all this.

It's all very bizarre. YOu could try counselling as it would be helpful whether you end up together or not.

I think his attitude towards money is odd and I think he will never 100% committ everything to making the relationship work.

I would start asking him to look after the children properly. Perhaps you could stay at the flat for a week whilst he moves in and you just turn up to do the day shift whilst he is actually at work.......

Wonder how keen he would be to stop having his cake even for a week!

I think you are getting bogged down with small issues, and missing the big picture.

In the end if you want him back then we are all wasting our breath here, as you do not appear to have read any of our replies.

We have all said that he is using you, he is a cock-lodger, to coin that wonderful phrase, and he is mixing you up in your mind with small issues.

If you want to get to the truth, go and see a solicitor and communicate about this through them only.

If you want him back, stop asking for advice, but be aware that he will never change, and it's all about the cash.

Have you read any of the prior comments at all ?

You seem hell-bent on a pre-destined path and to be listening only to him

Had you thought at all that by him with-holding you money for the dc and "making you ask" he has had you dancing to his tune the whole way ?

A very, very clever form of control.

He has it all sewn up. You acually cannot see the wood for the trees. Well done that man, he should write a book.

What a pity you seem incapable or unwilling to see it for what it really is

Are you even going to consult a solicitor ?

There isn't really anything in your last post to comment on at all afaics.

I never thought I should say these words (eeeuuuugh)

I agree with PeterAndre. (please namechange, it makes me cringe to agree with you. )

Wombling, Is there really a point to this thread? You seem to agree with yourself and that greedy man, and listen more to yourselves than us.

((We have all said that he is using you, he is a cock-lodger, to coin that wonderful phrase, and he is mixing you up in your mind with small issues.))

I know you have all said this but he has said basically he does want to move back,he does want to be a family again but the issue is is that if it doesn't work out he has lost his flat.And that others he knows have said he would be a fool to let go of his flat just in case things don't work out.He's said if he was renting privately he'd give it up in a shot a see if we could make a go of things but this isn't the case.He's even said he's been racking his brains trying to see if there's a way to solve this.

look I'm just telling it as it is.If you still se things differently and think i'm a fool for even listening then tell me

He is putting money before your relationship.

If it didn't work out he could afford to rent a flat or a room in a shared house.

He thinks it is more important to keep a cheap to rent flat than it is to committ to a relationship with you.

How important/special/loved does that make you feel?

((He has it all sewn up. You acually cannot see the wood for the trees. Well done that man, he should write a book.))

perhaps you are right.I think I'm just a mess.I'm sorry.

I wish I could just walk away from this man but I'm scared of what lies ahead and keep doubting myself.

even sat here crying now as I wish I was a stronger person.Even scared of going through divorce process.wouldn't believe I'm a grown women would you

What is so great about him?

This is what he has done to you though, he has kept you dependent on him in more ways then one.

Please go and see a solicitor and ask for advice on what you would be likely to get if you divorced bearing in mind that you have a disabled child and are unable to work for x years due that fact. Also the fact that he has a ltd company and only paid £5 per maintenance - you find that expecting the house in its entirity is reasonable from a legal point of view.

Getting divorced and seperating from someone who has used you so badly is difficult and it is scary. You will be better off though once it's done.

((What is so great about him?))

Just that he's the kids dad really.If I didn't have kids I would have walked away along time ago.

Also since getting back together(so to speak)he's tried harder in many ways.Very loving towards me.Tells me I'm beautiful and alot of other things all the time.

I know this may contradict but he wants whats best for the kids as in if kids are having problems will want to sort them out and even gets upset when he can't.

Please go to a good solicitor and tell them EVERYTHING.

DO NOT speak to this man until you have done that.

That is all you have to do for now.

Words are easy....it's actions that count.