Is H having his cake and.....

[womblingfree1970]

A bit of a complicated story.H and I split several years ago.Broken trust on both sides.Both of us had caused issue in our marriage.So we seperated and were heading for divorce.

I stayed in the home with our young children and he moved out.Our house was a mortgaged home and so I knew(sought legal advice) that when the youngest reached 18 I would have to sell up or pay H his share of property.Since split I have been a single mum.So I've been the one bringing up the children(visits to dad),providing for the children financially,emotioanlly.Upkeep of home etc etc.The only thing he has provided is £5 a week child support and the odd contribution to school trips where he's paid half.

The £5 a week is a bit of an issue as he earns £40,000 a year but because of a totally legal loophole he only has to declare minimum wage and so only has to pay minimum child support.And yes its totally legal and there was nothing I could do about it.

Well a few years down the lines and we've decided to give things another go.We have been seeing each other for more than a year and a half.The arrangement has been that he comes over and sees me and kids.We go out for day trips with the occasional overnight stay during week and things have been going well.Of course the aim being that we get back together if things go well.And things have been

Well last night we had a chat about our future and what next.H drops a bombshell that although he would like to move back in eventually he doesn't see a way foreward because if he moves back in he has to give up the flat he is in now and so if things don't work out he then has no home and the place he is in now is cheap rent and he'd be very very lucky to get somewhere like that again.Also if he moves back in and he loses his job(he's self employed) and then we split he would then be in the position of no job and no home.He said he can't think of anything to sort this out.

I can understand the reasons for the latter.Its because when we split several years back he had no job and no where to go but because of the circumstances(which were his doing at the time) he was the one who left and he had to move in with a sister.This sister has now moved abroad so if this were to happen again he really would have no where to go.

So yes I understand his situation and the difficulties with it but on mine and more importantly the childrens side of things,we can't live like this forever.Where I am basically living as a single mum,bringing up the children but he pops around to see us.And he has only himself to look after and do as he pleases in his home.One of my thoughts are wouldn't I be better of going it alone and building a new life where I could potentially meet someone new.

So to sum it up I'm the one looking after the children full time(fiancially and emotionally) and maintaining the home(fiancially and general maintainance like decorating etc).And he is living in a flat where he only has himself to look after and spend the evenings watching tv or sleeping.Paying me £5 child support.

Isn't this him having his cake and eating it.

(Also loving that I'm agreeing with lots of MNers I usely disagree with)

Wombling for fucks sake get yourself some proper legal advice and make sure you tell them everything about his business, the house being solely in your name, his paying himself minimum wage, his savings, everything...

You need to arm yourself with knowledge because right now he is just feeding you a load of bollocks about the house and you are just unquestioningly accepting it.

Also, where the fuck did this 40/60 split of the house come from?? It's been a fair few years since I did my law degree but from what I remember, if the house has always solely been in your name, he's only entitled in equity to claim the value he contributed while he was living there (disclaimer, I don't know about family law so not sure if being married changes this or not. I think not).

But please, please stop being your own worst enemy here and go and get some proper advice.

This man is a grade A twat, You don't even sound like you love him, just that you think you need him around because you're scared. In fact the opposite is true, you need him out of your life and then you can get on with yours.

When we say proper legal advice, even the best solicitor in the country can't give the right advice on the basis of insufficient information. You need to tell them everything, even if you don't think it's relevant.

All the financial details, obviously, but also the real reason you threw him out. You started this thread with "both of us had caused issues in our marriage", when it appears that there's actually a more, shall we say, one-sided background. We don't need to know the facts behind it (although I'd love to, but that's just nosiness!) but your solicitor does. Find one you can trust and lay everything before them.

Good solicitors aren't necessarily the most expensive. Preferably get one who specialises in family law. And do it while you can still get legal aid for divorce matters.

You need to have all the information you can get to stand toe to toe with this weasel. Because he will do you over. There is not a shadow of doubt about that.

forgot to say

H said if there was anyway he could keep his flat then he'd move back in.That that way he would always have a backup plan if things went wrong.

Today
He has rang me asking can we put this issue on hold for a couple of weeks because eldest is waiting for results in her excams and its an important time for her.So could we act normal until then.

I can see his point on this as its an important time.But I also put it to him see thats exavtly what I mean you get all the good bits and don't get the bad stuff too.You can't pick and choose its all or nothing

He's a greedy, manipulative lier with an a-hole so tight he probably coughs up his own sh*t.

Please for the love of God get some decent legal advice and get rid of this scum.

And I know you haven't said why you split up in the first place, but I think you know the real reason for that. You are defending him from further vitriol and cries of incredulity. Stop defending him and boot him out of your life.

I have never known of a sadder reason to get back together with someone.

He's going to die a lonely death, but there's no need for you to so so as well. Believe me, you will be lonelier when together than you are apart. This is not a solution to happiness. Not for you, and CERTAINLY not for your dcs.

and what a cheek, keeping a council flat he doesn't need! ie. moving in with you and making sure he stays registered at a cheap flat that someone else actually needs.

remember - he will NOT be homeless if your relationship broke up - because he has saved lots of money with which he could immediately pay rent! He is a grown adult with a job and plenty of savings (which he has only managed to keep by not giving you proper contribution to running the family home and supporting his children) - he perfectly able to find a home if you did break up.

He only has those savings because you have paid for everything for the children - therefore denying you of money you could have put towards your own security.

I cannot believe a court would make you give him half the house. Please say no to his ridiculous offers and move forward with a divorce, which will see you given half of his assets, not him given half of the house.

I can tell this fear of losing the house is hanging over you - divorce will clear all this up and you can get on with your life without him.

Really struggling to see what's loveable about this man.

The bullshit about his daughter's exam results is exactly that: bullshit. He's just trying to guit you into shutting up for a while because he senses you're onto him and he probably needs to rethink his plan and come at you from a different angle.

Stand firm, OP. Go get that advice and stop indulging his rubbish.

*guilt

I believe it was Dittany who bought up the fact that you have two issues to deal with; finances and the "relationship".

I am going to point out something that you, and others, do not like to hear: given his overall behaviour, the reason that he is visiting you for sex is because he is acting very much as a fox, or dog, does: he is pissing on his territory to keep it marked. He is keeping other men away from you.

It is NOTHING to do with displaying love for his cherished wife (as normal, loving men do).

MadonnaWhore - exactly. He senses she is on to him. Delay tactics and all that...

Go and get some real legal advice.

It sounds like your Partner has been the one giving you the wonderful advice you have.

He obviously has a plan to get the maximum return on his investment with you, so you need to arm yourself with real information and not hearsay or what someone husband told you.

Regardless of the child support/council flat bolt hole issues, I don't think you're committed to a future with this guy.

Having thoughts about whether you'd be better off single so you can meet someone else is a bit telling.

I don't see any reason why you can't continue on this basis - if it suits you and you're both happy with it. Some couples work better in 2 residences.

I get the feeling that you've fallen back into a semi-casual relationship with him because it was easy, safe and convenient.

It's time to bite the bullet - either you both commit 100% to living together equally or you commit to being single and hope he does the honourable thing with child support.

Stop fannying about at this, your kids will adjust and accept however you choose to live but they won't react well to chopping and changing confusement.

oops sorry - I only read page 1 so wasn't entirely up to date with the thread!

You are getting a hard time here womble Im sure it's difficult to hear such comments. But it's because people know you CAN build a better life, you can find new friends, meet new people, without him being in your life.

This must make difficult reading but we only say it because we can all so clearly see that you and your children deserve so much more than this man is offering you, and it's sad to see you so willing to accept so little from him.

Okay I've caught up a bit now.

With regard to the house, he has to go to court and apply for a "charge" on the property to force you to sell when the youngest is 18yrs.

A court will look at all the reasons for and against why this should happen.

They should then rule on what his portion of the house value is - based on his contribution to it's purchase etc. As the house is in your name he would have to prove that he had contributed when you were living there together.

As you have a child with disabilities this may influence whether he can get a charge or at what age the charge might come into effect.

Child support/maintenance etc are a different issue.

Sorry, can't remember, are you formally divorced? If so, did you get a clean break order? If not, I'd suggest starting divorce proceedings quick smart and getting your hands on some of those savings.

Personal opinion is that it's despicable to support his kids at £20 per month whilst saving so much. Let's remember child support is for the CHILD - get yourself out of the mindset that he is giving YOU money.

Good luck, even my totally flakey ex pays more child support than that and it's still 3/4 less pcm than the CSA say he should!

((I am going to point out something that you, and others, do not like to hear: given his overall behaviour, the reason that he is visiting you for sex is because he is acting very much as a fox, or dog, does: he is pissing on his territory to keep it marked. He is keeping other men away from you.))

caramelwaffle

This is something that has croseed my mind.Not that I'd rush to find someone else as I'm not really bothered about that.

((Regardless of the child support/council flat bolt hole issues, I don't think you're committed to a future with this guy.

Having thoughts about whether you'd be better off single so you can meet someone else is a bit telling.))

Paddlechick666

Not sure where I gave this view that I'm thinking I'd be better off single so I could meet someone else.

The view I have had is that we were seeing each other so we could work towards moving back together and making this marriage work.But since 2 days ago (where he dropped bombshell).
I'm wondering if I should divorce him now because basically the guy has been stringing me along having no intention of moving back in unless he has a backup plan.If you had read my whole thread you'd see I'm not bothered about meeting anyone.

My focus was on getting back together and now I'm questioning why the hell I even bothered.

I'm sorry if in any part of the thread I had suggested that I'm thinking should I leave and meet someone else,its more should I just leave and get on with my life.

oops sorry - I only read page 1 so wasn't entirely up to date with the thread

Paddlechick666

just read this.sorry for crossed posts

I have just flicked through this thread.

There is quite rightly a consensus that 'D'H is a selfish, greedy, money-grabbing, lazy, manipulative, stingy prick.

OP- you deserve a better husband and your DCs deserve a better father.

A few points I want to make:

-Ifhe is earning £40k then surely he can afford to pay his £40pwk rent even if he moves back in?

• How much does he have in savings and how much is his business worth? You are entitled to your fair share of what he has aquired during your marriage.

• It sounds like he is evading tax. Please report him to HMRC for investigation.

• Even if he is mostly staying at his flat the DWP could still consider you to be a couple for benefit purposes. They could see his having that flat as a way of attempting to hide benefit fraud. If they find against you, you could end up with a bill to pay back all the IS you have received over the past 5 years. Did you ever have a formal seperation agreement when you split, as this could be evidence in your favour.

• His 'I dont want to move in, in case we split' line is BS. With a high income and savings he could easily afford another flat, he wouldn't be homeless FFS. What exactly has he been doing with all his money over the past 5 years?

OP Please get an appointment with a solicitor ASAP

Womblingfree1970

How are you doing today?

What are your thouts reading over the whole thread?

I would really like to hear your opioin

Paddlechick666

Not divorced.Seperated for 5 years.House soley in my name but he can prove he contributed to paying some of morgage when we were living together as money paid towrads mortgage came from joint account.Mortgage was paid off at that time.

Phoned again stating can we put this on hold and act normally(Which means him coming round at weekend) because daughter gets exam results in 2 weeks.And wants us to celebrate as a family if she passes.As we would of done if things were ok.

Tell him you do not want to see him on the weekend and you can tell your kids he is working

problem sorted.

You need space to think

findingthepath

OK

My feelings today are this has to be sorted once and for all.

Need to see a solicitor.