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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

ExH wants me back, and it would solve 1001 problems

104 replies

NoDiving · 17/02/2011 05:31

I was so relieved to leave him, but I still deeply love him.

I know though most family and friends will disown me if I do.

Not looking for advice really just needed to say these feelings to someone.

OP posts:

LadyFannyofBumStreet · 17/02/2011 05:34

How long have you been apart?

snowmama · 17/02/2011 05:38

Why were you relieved to leave him and why would your family disown you if you went back?

If the 1001 problems are logistical and/or financial then my guess is that it would be a big mistake to go back.

Original poster

NoDiving · 17/02/2011 06:02

ExH was abusive, emotionally and twice physically.

Family 'rescued' me and the DC from the situation.

But that was two years ago and we have both changed , been through counselling etc

We have a shared residence order but it is destroying me...

OP posts:

elizadoestoomuch · 17/02/2011 06:05

What counselling has your ExH had?

Original poster

NoDiving · 17/02/2011 06:13

He's been to 2nd tier alcohol counselling and anger management.

I have an amazing counsellor via womens aid.

She says she won't see me again if I take him back, of course I will stay with their team but she personally couldn't deal with me

It all screams no.....

OP posts:

elizadoestoomuch · 17/02/2011 06:18

Tbh it all screams no to me too.
Could you really take the risk with your DC that he has changed?
I'd be interested to know if anyone has had your experience, and the relationship has worked out.

limpingbint · 17/02/2011 06:19

listen to the scream

elizadoestoomuch · 17/02/2011 06:19

Sorry, what are the 1001 problems that taking him back would solve?

snowmama · 17/02/2011 06:25

Listen to scream....why is the shared residence order killing you if you are getting on better?

Original poster

NoDiving · 17/02/2011 06:28

We have shared residence, and I hate it.

I work but hate coming home to an empty house.

And more importantly I wouldn't have to be wondering what the tots are doing when they are with him.

OP posts:

elizadoestoomuch · 17/02/2011 06:31

But if he has changed then surely he must realise his past behaviour was absolutely unacceptable and that he shouldn't be asking to come back?
Why/what are you wondering with regards to your DC when they are with him?

Original poster

NoDiving · 17/02/2011 06:31

eliza I'm glad you are interested about it working..

I m telling myself I know all the red flags now.

And we have both really changed.

OP posts:

Original poster

NoDiving · 17/02/2011 06:37

He is just the same as he was before,

Really silly things, but he insisted he would buy the new school shoes, I've had to nag since term started, eventaully got them myself and he complained!?

So petty its lauhanble.

OP posts:

elizadoestoomuch · 17/02/2011 06:37

No No No I don't think it could work.
I'm saying if he has really changed then he would know that getting back together is not a good idea because of his past behaviour. I don't believe abusive men can change, sorry. Sorry, I'm not explaining myself very well.

elizadoestoomuch · 17/02/2011 06:40

Read your last 2 posts we have both really changed and he is just the same as before
Don't do it lovey. You've done so well to get away from him.

Original poster

NoDiving · 17/02/2011 06:44

And because after lots of nastiness in court, (the judge actually told us off for bickering)

I foolishly agreed a 'play it by ear' arrangement

Which means I have no idea if he's drinking, smoking weed etc

And my primary concern is the dc, but I still care about him

OP posts:

snowmama · 17/02/2011 06:46

If I understand your last two posts correctly, you acknowledge that he has not really changed. Why don't take a step back....why do you hate coming in to an empty house.

Why are you wondering what the little ones are up to when they are with their dad? Do you have any reason to believe they are not having a great time and you can take a well earn rest?

Is it worth working in enjoying your own company a bit more? If he has really changed he should recognise that you need space and time to recover not try to persuade you to come back.

Original poster

NoDiving · 17/02/2011 06:48

I should add, he's not a layabout, he has a very very good job, and so DD is in a nursery while Ds is at school. I work freelance mainly from home and otherwie very local so it does annoy me that he puts her in nursery just because it's his time

OP posts:

Original poster

NoDiving · 17/02/2011 06:53

snowmama
Maybe you are right. Dc are 4 and 5. I worked barely until we seperated and the DC were my life.

It's just so hard to seperate ..it,

Is it exH I want back , or the DC
Ri

OP posts:

snowmama · 17/02/2011 06:54

You are considering going back...yet have no idea if he is still drinking/ smoking weed?

Re read your posts here as if someone else wrote them. What would you say ?

snowmama · 17/02/2011 06:57

I say start separating it out.....I may be wrong...but are you thinking that if you moved back, you could work less and spend more time with your DC ?

Would that really be the best/safest option for you and your DC. Apologies if I have mis-understood.

Original poster

NoDiving · 17/02/2011 07:10

right, my issue is I know he's coping with the DC. I feel like I have to be there, and I still massively love him.

Argh its fecking hard

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/02/2011 07:15

re your comment:-
"He's been to 2nd tier alcohol counselling and anger management".

Sorry but all that really means bugger all for and to such damaged people. AM is of no benefit at all for inherently violent men, it can actually serve to further justify the abuse in their own minds.

Do not go back to him under any circumstances; he has not changed at all because at heart he feels he has not done anything wrong towards you.

I think you need to ask your own self why you love this man. Your own low self esteem and self worth sets you up precisely for such an individual; you are easier to control. He hurt you physically and mentally and yet you love him. He cares not a jot for any of you. What does love mean to you exactly?.

If you have never read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft I suggest you do so and asap. This man still wants the power and control over you (this is what abuse is really all about). Look at his recent behaviour towards you re your child's shoes; he has not changed one iota. You still don't know all the red flags; if you did you would not even entertain the idea about having your abuser back.

Work on your own self through counselling to rebuild your life further without this man in it. Your children will not thank you either for returning to such an individual and will also despise you for capitulating.

snowmama · 17/02/2011 07:21

I am just getting into work now so will disappear, but you should listen to what eliza had to say, she puts it clearly and succinctly.

You did well to get away, start to concentrate on yourself and your needs beyond your ex.

Original poster

NoDiving · 17/02/2011 07:22

My self esteem is tip top actually, and it's been a slog to get to t.

Thsnk fuck for dance. I go to a class daily...

OP posts:

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