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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExH wants me back, and it would solve 1001 problems

104 replies

NoDiving · 17/02/2011 05:31

I was so relieved to leave him, but I still deeply love him.

I know though most family and friends will disown me if I do.

Not looking for advice really just needed to say these feelings to someone.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 15:01

YOGI, do you feel in a position to share?

Do you think the dc are at risk?

yogididabooboo · 17/02/2011 15:10

I thought the Op had namechanged to try and get away from previous posting history so i wont out her. that would be vastly unfair.

I don;t feel the children are at risk with the current situation no.

but obviously i only know what the OP has posted

Original poster
NoDiving · 17/02/2011 15:10

yogi, I have no idea who you are so think you are mistaken....

My children are not at risk, the shared residence would never have been agreed if they were.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoDiving · 17/02/2011 15:12

But thanks for calling me a twat, honestly I need some tough love...

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 17/02/2011 15:12

The best thing you could possibly do for yourself, ND (and I am wearily resigned to the fact that you won't take this advice) is promise yourself that you will remain single for a whole year.
You are in no fit state to be dating or having any kind of romantic/sexual involvement with men because your radar is completely and utterly fucked. So you are actually a magnet for tossers and the very least bad thing that will happen to you if you continue in this desperate need to have A Man In Your Life is that you will end up with a parasitic cocklodger who people will say 'well at least he doesn't hit her' about. When a woman is this messed up (conditioned to accept abuse and simultaneously desperate and needy) she smells of it, and the nice men decide she's got too much baggage and run off, while the lazy entitled ones and the seriously bad ones home right in, licking their chops. If this 'old pal' displayed such violence to his own family that he earned himself Christmas dinner in the cells, then he's not a nice man. Even if you want to believe that his naughty family provoked him beyond reason, he's still a man who throws violent tantrums and therefore no good to someone like you.

VinegarTits · 17/02/2011 15:13

you circumstances are scarily similar to an x-poster though, i can see why Yogi thought you may be someone else

anyone i really hope you take on board the advice here, do not go back to him

MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 15:13

Do you think that the table flipper is going to make a good stepfather?

I understand how difficult it is with regards to court and abusive exh's, surley you don't want them in this man's company 100% of the time, giving them 50% of a life away from dysfunction is going to be good for them?

Do you seriously believe that you have done enough to have a good radar for abusive men now?

MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 15:14

SGB, it will probably take longer than a year!

yogididabooboo · 17/02/2011 15:18

i have inboxed you OP. i will eat my own arsehole if i am wrong.

tough love is something i am very good at. i am glad you are in a place to receive it in the manner it is intended

RumourOfAHurricane · 17/02/2011 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

VinegarTits · 17/02/2011 15:21

are you eating your own arsehole though shiney?

yogididabooboo · 17/02/2011 15:21

not arse though?

Jaquelinehyde · 17/02/2011 15:23

I'm with Yogi on this one.

However, regardless of who you may or may not be. Do not go back to him!

Also avoid the idiot table flipper. Otherwise you risk the courts awarding full custody to your ex.

RumourOfAHurricane · 17/02/2011 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

VinegarTits · 17/02/2011 15:29

nooo stay, i want to see if yogi actually does have to eat her own arse i doubt it though

noddyholder · 17/02/2011 15:32

This is all about loneliness,self confidence and habit and nothing to do with real change or a good life for you with this man.Do not even give it head room You will come out the other side of all this eventually.Better coming home to an empty house than a war zone.Why can't you go out and do other things when he has the kids.

MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 15:50

OP, I am getting the gist now of who you are suspect to be.

Have you ever asked your gp to assess your mental health?

Original poster
NoDiving · 17/02/2011 15:58

Well yogi has message me and I am not that other poster.

So lots of the last posts are irrelevant...

MummieHunnie I had a full psych assessment done, as did exH. I have mild depression and anxiety but that is steadily improving.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 16:06

op was that part of court proceedings? if so I think you would do better to get one done from your own gp!

The depression and anxiety are normal in this sort of situation, post abuse.

OP, the very fact you want the tableflipper and your exh in your life is very worrying, that is why your gp should assess you!

VinegarTits · 17/02/2011 16:14

was the musician abusive?

Original poster
NoDiving · 17/02/2011 16:31

No he is wonderful, lovely.

So is the other partner, seemingly, but what happened at xmas has to be worse than what I've heard tbh, which is the story from him, his mum and his best friend

OP posts:
Original poster
NoDiving · 17/02/2011 16:33

And honestly I'm not looking for a 'stepdad'.

Just some companionship and some fun.

I really don't think I could live with a man, not for a long time.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 16:36

No Diving, if these men seem lovely and wonderful to you, and yet you have evidence that one is not, surely you are accepting that your radar is off kilter for abusers? Surely you are concerned enough for yourself and your children that you will go and visit your GP to get an assessment, as you are looking like you are sabotaging the counselling you are getting and that your counsellor is not able to deal with the issues you bring to the table?!

You may be a lot more depressed than you realise, or the situation you were in could have affected your mental health for the worse without you realising!

Those court assessments, I know from speaking ot many do not pick up everything, as the people involved later go on to have diagnosis that are not picked up in the assessments. Your own gp with his records and lengthly over time assesments, and the full candid truth is what is needed to make a full assessment, which some people don't do in court hearings for fear of it affecting the case.

RealityIsKnockedUp · 17/02/2011 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NoDiving · 17/02/2011 16:45

My GP did a full assessment right after I left exh. My parents basically dragged me to the surgery for it.

Then I had an independent one done for court.

I just had a major wobble last night, and as I said in the OP I just needed t tell someone these crazy feelings....

OP posts: