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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExH wants me back, and it would solve 1001 problems

104 replies

NoDiving · 17/02/2011 05:31

I was so relieved to leave him, but I still deeply love him.

I know though most family and friends will disown me if I do.

Not looking for advice really just needed to say these feelings to someone.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/02/2011 07:23

ND

Well if your self esteem is tip top it won't remain so if you allow him back into your life.

snowmama · 17/02/2011 07:24

OP please listen to wise words from attila

PeterAndreForPM · 17/02/2011 07:24

Your self esteem is tip top because you got away from him.

cestlavielife · 17/02/2011 09:43

"He is just the same as he was before" exactly.

dont go back

stay as you are for another 12 months..

listen to womens aid counsellor and your fiends and family. thos who saw you when he was destroying you

i suspect you dont love him - you love the idea of him as a changed man.

but he isnt a changed man.

MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 09:53

I think that if it was me in your position, I can't imagine even contemplating getting back with my exh, I would have more individual couselling both of you, as your codependancy, contact and lonleness issues seem to be quite dominant in your posts and decisions.

deepbluewave · 17/02/2011 09:57

Hard.

I sounds like, you have your life back- dance classes, self esteem back and a little boredom setting in. Maybe you feel strong again and strong enough to handle what 'may or may not occur'
But imagine, if you go through the process with the DC of letting him back in and the abuse begins again. Will you put up with it a little longer again, to try- to save face for others. It will destroy you again and you will fall lower..also, what will this be like for DC?

I dont know if violent men can change, I have no experience of that, but 2 years down the line, seems a large risk to take.
Can you not possibly get out and about and meet someone else..even just to date? Have you tried that yet?
Can you see yourself with this man, in the next 10/20/30/40 years?

Inertia · 17/02/2011 12:23

Sounds to me as though the problem isn't that you miss him- you miss companionship, you miss the children when they are with him, and you yearn for the ideal family life they deserve. If you get back with him, you'll end up with a potentially violent, weed-smoking, heavy drinker to contend with. And if you couldn't stop yourselves bickering in front of a judge in court, I don't fancy your chances of family harmony in amongst the daily household grind.

It comes across that you feel the need for company, and to keep busy- you can do that without him. Dance class sounds like a brilliant thing to do- is there anything else that you could do in terms of classes or hobbies? Despite being the children's father, he isn't the only man out there, and it sounds as though it would just make you unhappy to live with him again. Your counsellor understands the score on this - listen to her :)

StuffingGoldBrass · 17/02/2011 12:49

FFS! Don't even think of going back to this tospot. WHat you need is a healthy dose of feminism to unlearn the propaganda you absorbed at some point that a woman is nothing without a man.
BEING SINGLE IS GREAT.
It is infinitely better than living with a crap man. Honestly, work on sorting yourself out so you don't find yourself in a relationship with another tosspot.

TangledScotland · 17/02/2011 13:02

SGB talks sence, I was on my own with DC for 4 years (my choice) I had a great time with them and my best mate who was in the same position, I wouldn't swap those 4 years for anything.

At some point I felt the need for a new relationship had one short crappy one I ended very quickly because I felt no fear about being single, then met the current MrTangledScotland who I have been with for 5 years, i'm still not scared of being single though MrTS knows this and it keeps the chap on his toes :o

venusandmars · 17/02/2011 13:23

NoDiving you go right ahead and post everything that you are feeling - all your dilemmas, your worries. There are people on here with wonderful advice about abuse - listen to what they are saying, and listen to your WA supporter. In the cold light of day you know that it does not make sense for you to be together.

Even the phrase in your opening post "ex wants me back" makes it read as though you are a possession. It might seem in the middle of the night as though it will solve 1001 problems, but it will also cause 2001 more.

nickschick · 17/02/2011 13:29

Your lonely.

Your life has changed beyond any expectation.

You dont 'love' him you love the idea of a family of what you thought you had.

You have come a long way - you broke free,theres lots of women walking on egg shells afraid of their dhs - you got away from that.

You share the dc,you have to.
Nobody owns a child,it is a shared parentage.

You need to do things for you,put yourself first in the time the dc arent with you ,attend a night class go salsa dancing,pal up with another single mum nearby.

Live.

and i bet sooner than you imagine you will meet your Mr Right and your heart will flutter with something other than fear.

Dont risk it.

LittleMissHissyFit · 17/02/2011 13:49

I just dumped took mine to the airport this morning. I should have taken ear plugs for all the manipulation I've put up with today, I feel bruised.

When I got back home here, I breathed a sigh of relief and out loud I told myself that I WOULD NEVER, EVER ALLOW MYSELF TO COMPROMISE FOR A MAN AGAIN.

I would rather be lonely for the rest of my life than put up with the gaslighting I've had the last few weeks, the alternating uberkindness and then swearing and regurgitation of old rows. Oh and the fabulous painting over the truth with technicolour lies to make himself look better.. who could forget that?

Your family love you, truly love you FOR YOU. Your counsellor cares for you and wants to see you free of the sub-life that is living under the shadow of an abuser.

Abusers have all the hooks to reel you back in, and this is what he is doing. Papering over the cracks, giving him the benefit of the doubt.

I understand why you are doing it. If he isn't really THAT bad,then you didn't make a hugely big mistake in being with him did you?

Get this though. He really WAS that bad. But it was not your fault. The only mistake you made was to believe in him and trust him. He conned you, but he has to do that to attract people. He is not a good enough human being to keep a decent partner. He has to break them, get them dependent, because he has nothing to offer a normal happy, confident person.

Be strong, don't give in, you deserve better. Please don't do this to yourself again. Please listen to everyone around you, your inner voice and your counsellor. Please don't listen to him, he is trying to reclaim his victim.

StuffingGoldBrass · 17/02/2011 13:53

LMHF: Are you finally rid? COngratulations! (have been aware of your story on various threads.)

Niceguy2 · 17/02/2011 13:56

Again I agree with Nickschick.

You are in love with the idea of the family unit, being there for the kids 100%

But a leopard doesn't change its spots and some things once broken cannot be fixed.

If you go back to him then I hope we are wrong.

But I hope you come to your senses and move on.

Out of interest, have you dated anyone since you split with the ex?

LittleMissHissyFit · 17/02/2011 13:57

Looks like it SGB. weakGrin

The last few days have been MADDENING, talk about every trick in the book.....

Original poster
NoDiving · 17/02/2011 14:22

Thankyou all, wise words. I was just thinking my counsellor would have a field day over this, so I'm going to print it and take it to show her...

I spoke to exH this morning and he utterly enraged me, ruined my lovely calm mood after Pilates. But maybe that was helpful, no thoughts of going back right now...

For those that asked I have dated, a friend with benefits so to speak, he is a musician, travels a lot so it was only ever going to be one thing.

Then there's a tricky relationship I'm possibly still in, not sure!? A very old school friend, my family know and love, he has been amazing and we both decided to take a step back until I know I've dealt with my issues with exH. However he did something over christmas that totally shocked me and Im unsure he can be trusted now.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 17/02/2011 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NicknameTaken · 17/02/2011 14:33

LittleMiss, hurray!

NoDiving, I do understand the urge to try to play Happy Families again. My ex will occasionally say something nice and I see again the man I thought I was getting. I strongly recommend to write down a long list of his worse behaviour, and read it over every time you feel yourself weakening.

Also curious about the tricky potention relationship would did something shocking over Christmas...?

Original poster
NoDiving · 17/02/2011 14:35

I have heard three sides of the story, but he overturned the dining table and scared his younger brother so much he called the police.....

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 17/02/2011 14:38

Think you can put your pension on the fact that the AM counselling is, at best, struggling...

He's on a NICE cycle... trust me... These buggers can play a long game too you know.

Sever ties with him, get someone else to do hand over of the DC if you can, and take some time out, just you to gather your strength.

Then see what this old flame has to offer, even if it's just for you to learn how women are normally treated, it will do wonders for your self esteem and morale.

Original poster
NoDiving · 17/02/2011 14:39

This was on christmas eve in his mothers house, he was locked up until 2pm and of course the planned familchristmas was pretty much ruined...

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 14:43

OP, if you are dating a guy like that and thinking of getting back with an abusive exh, it sounds like you have a long way to go with regards to therapy, I am not surprised your counsellor from Women's Aid is refusing to see you. I do wonder if you would do better to ask your GP to get you an assessment. I can't remember do you have dc? Social Services may have something to say about the company you choose.

findingthepath · 17/02/2011 14:45

I'm not normal blunt or impolite and i'm sorry if this sounds nasty its not ment to come across as that.

Are you nuts? NO do not take him back.

Infact do not date anyone until you have figuared out why you pick the wrong man and have more respect for yourself and a better undrestanding for what love is.

Your children are half his and this is the commitment you have when you have children they are not soly your responsability. They have the right to be with their father.

VinegarTits · 17/02/2011 14:47

sounds like you have gone from one violent partner to (potenially) another,

if i were you i would stay away from both men and be single for a long while and re-discover yourself

yogididabooboo · 17/02/2011 14:59

I think i know who you are.

I think that if you know not to go back and i am astounded given all you have posted that he has even contemplated voicing such an opinion.

I would suggest that you go back through your old posts ( the ones not yet deleted) and re read the horrors you posted about.

If you still believe that this is the easiest option then nothing anyone will say will disuade you.

but you would be a total twat and would be doing a great disservice to your children.