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Original poster

dh not listeng - again :(

115 replies

onelastchance · 14/02/2011 14:39

dh always buy me flowers for valentines day. Last night i told him i'd much rather have a voucher for back massage instead. On the phone earlier, i said something about no flowers and he sounded surprised and was claerly still going to buy some. he just sent a text to say he's no recollection of any conversation about v day last night! He often "forgets" things i've said - makes me feel so unimportant. As it stands atm, I'v told him not to bother at all about Valentines day now.
Am i being silly, or shoudl i remind him of the conversation? Don't want a row

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 14/02/2011 14:47

Just based on the information you've given in your post, I am playing the world's smallest violin for you right now?

Are you just spoilt, or is there more to this? Can you give any more examples of where you don't feel listened to?

Tortington · 14/02/2011 14:48
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 14/02/2011 14:49
realrabbit · 14/02/2011 14:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Niecie · 14/02/2011 14:54

You aren't being silly. If he forgets things you have said a lot it does feel like you might as well not be there, imo. Did he answer you last night when you told him you wanted a massage?

DH does this - I tell him something and he denies we ever had the conversation hours/days later. If it is something important I make him repeat back what I have said or at the very least acknowledge he has heard me.

In this case, I would accept the flowers and book myself a massage if that is what I wanted and tell him why. Make sure that next time you know for sure he has heard and digested what you have said if it matters to you.

Onthesedgeofoureats · 14/02/2011 15:01

He did think of you though, which I would say is fairly romantic!

I got a kiss (well, demanded one before he left!) and was very very pleased when I got one. A back massage by a stranger can be booked anytime, and isn't mega romantic IMO. However him refusing to let you scrub the bath tonight is. Come on old style romance, where are you!

JarethTheGoblinKing · 14/02/2011 15:13

DH sort of forgot this year, he'd normally buy flowers. He asked what I wanted and I just said 'send me something at work maybe??' (hinting at delivered flowers... who doesn't like them!)

He sent me a drawing that he'd done on the computer of me, him and DS. Not a very good one either Grin

Still.. at least he tried. I haven't even got him a card yet

I will however be cooking surprise steak for dinner.

CinnabarRed · 14/02/2011 15:16

Based purely on your OP, you're not being very reasonable. No doubt there's more to it than just that?

ShirleyKnot · 14/02/2011 15:19

I wish you and he would just stop being so blimming silly.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/02/2011 15:20

Codependency is a powerful force as is denial.

Original poster
onelastchance · 14/02/2011 15:34

Niecie, yes he did acknowledge what i said. It does make me feel like i might aswell not be there

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 14/02/2011 15:49

So, OP, based on your latest post, it is this particular incident that's causing you so much heartache rather than the cumulative effect of having "important" things sytematically ignored for years?

If so, then I'm sorry you feel bad but I think you're overthinking this.

Valentine's Day isn't a big deal for many people. Perhaps your DH has a really busy day at work, had planned to get you flowers today and simply doesn't have the time to make alternative arrangements? Perhaps he's distracted by something big at work and in his mind he'd ticked Valentine's Day off his to-do list because his plan was in place?

FWIW, DP and I have both forgotten things the other has said on occasion. We haven't done it deliberately. But sometimes, especially when in my own mind I've got something in hand it's case of in one ear out the other.

OTOH, if your DH has been sytematically ignoring important things that you've been telling him then that's a different matter.

RudeEnglishLady · 14/02/2011 15:52

OneLastChance, unless there is more going on than this, then I vote for you are being silly.

Its a Valentine gift - a token gesture of romance! I wasn't aware its like birthday or christmas where you get to choose. Its more like you wait and see what gets bestowed. Or am I wrong?

Like I say, unless there's more to this, you do sound rather ungrateful and princessy - sorry!

ijudge · 14/02/2011 15:52

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 14-Feb-11 15:20:21
Codependency is a powerful force as is denial.

What is codependency?

Original poster
onelastchance · 14/02/2011 16:16

yes, it is more of an accumulation of him ignoring/forgetting things. if this hd just been a one off incident then, it wouldn't really be an issue. Sometimes he doesn't even bother replying when i speak to him :( We've had loads of counselling, both together and aprt and even split up for a while in the past, but nothing changes

OP posts:
robberbutton · 14/02/2011 16:29

Flowers are probably more in his comfort zone- would he be confident getting a back massage voucher for you? Plus it's quite short notice. I know it sounds stupid but think my H would be at a loss to arrange that one. I would LOVE flowers (just not on Vday as silly prices). I appreciate you said there's more to it than this, but I think in this instance you are being a little bit U.

PS lol at onthesedgeofpureats, I had to demand more than a peck on the cheek this morning too!

Niecie · 14/02/2011 16:40

I think you are all being a bit unfair. It is a big deal because it is Valentine's day and it is supposed to be about thinking of the one you care about (We all know it is over hyped commercialism I'm sure but that is not the point). The OP's DH hasn't done that. He has not registered what she said and has gone and got flowers which probably required no thought or effort on his part. He just did what he always does.

I am sure, from what the OP says, that is has nothing to do with massages or flowers and everything to do with not being listened to or appreciated. Giving flowers is an empty gesture if he is just doing it out of habit. Particularly so if they even split up over lack of communication in the past and he has done nothing to change.

CinnabarRed · 14/02/2011 16:41

My DP doesn't always reply to me, especially if he's doing something else like driving or watching sport on the telly.

It irritates sometimes, but he doesn't mean anything by it - he just doesn't necessarily see any need to acknowledge a point that he's heard and might still be inwardly digesting. It certainly doesn't make me feel invisible. If it's really important to me then I'll check whether he's heard me.

Not meaning to be patronising, but do you have lowish self-esteem? So you feel you can't demand the right to be heard?

I have to say, I would feel differently towards my DP if I were telling him things that are important to me, and he acknowledging them or even had a conversation with me about them, and then consistently did the opposite. But I wouldn't put Valentine's Day into the important bracket.

spidookly · 14/02/2011 16:41

Is he losing his memory?

Although I might lose mine if someone gave me instructions on what they wanted for Valentine's Day.

CinnabarRed · 14/02/2011 16:44

That's a good point spidookly - is he generally absent minded? Losing his keys, forgetting where he put the phone, not remembering to put fuel in the car, etc?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/02/2011 16:48

"We've had loads of counselling, both together and aprt and even split up for a while in the past, but nothing changes"

So OLC why are you together exactly?. What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Hence why I mention codependency. OLC has written at detailed length re her H before now. It makes for pretty sober reading tbh.

merrywidow · 14/02/2011 16:49

I actually think its fucking rude to tell someone what you'd like for a present unless of course the giver asks you first.

YABVU and I feel sorry for your DH

JamieLeeCurtis · 14/02/2011 16:49

I don't think some of you are listening to the OP, never mind her DH .....

I understand what you are saying OP. Getting flowers, when you specifically said you didn't want them and there's something else you do want means he's not listening and doing the least he can do. You want a little more than that, given that you feels he doesn't listen to you at other times.

JamieLeeCurtis · 14/02/2011 16:50

Attila - didn't know that

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 16:51

OLC...how long are you prepared to stay in this dead relationship for ?

I have read the same threads as ATM, btw