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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dh not listeng - again :(

115 replies

onelastchance · 14/02/2011 14:39

dh always buy me flowers for valentines day. Last night i told him i'd much rather have a voucher for back massage instead. On the phone earlier, i said something about no flowers and he sounded surprised and was claerly still going to buy some. he just sent a text to say he's no recollection of any conversation about v day last night! He often "forgets" things i've said - makes me feel so unimportant. As it stands atm, I'v told him not to bother at all about Valentines day now.
Am i being silly, or shoudl i remind him of the conversation? Don't want a row

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/02/2011 22:57

Is this what a marriage is supposed to be like ?

Original poster

onelastchance · 15/02/2011 22:58

don't know? i know lots of married people who are happy. maybe i expect too much?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/02/2011 23:03

You keep saying that. If he doesn't make you happy, he doesn't make you happy. You have a right to be.

So does he, and it doesn't sound like either are getting much out of this marriage

He sleeps in the spare room, while you appeal for strangers to talk to

BTW, my question was a rhetorical one. No, this isn't how marriages should be.

Original poster

onelastchance · 15/02/2011 23:12

i know - it's sad and pathetic isn't it

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/02/2011 23:18

You have the power to change it

You are not in prison, this is the 21st century

Nobody is impelled to stay in an unhappy marriage

one on three marriages end in divorce (I think...it's a lot anyway)

you are not so unusual, really, please don't think your situation is unique

lots of people realise their marriages are no longer working and they get out although I don't expect it is anywhere near as easy as that

they do it though, or stay unhappy

ledkr · 15/02/2011 23:23

hi there,i have been lurking a bit and just read your post about being scared to be alone with ds.You have nothing to fear from being alone apart from facing yourself which is hard but powerfull in the long run.I was scared of being alone with my dcs but within weeks i loved it and was very proud of myself for achieving that.It was only then that i realised id been alone for ages as dh had left me along time before he packed his bags iyswim.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 15/02/2011 23:44

I felt that way too ,he had detatched years ago, when then kids came along and ridding myself of the black cloud he carried with him everytime he was in the house was the best thing that could have happened.it took me a while to get my head round everything.its the scariest year I've had yet but its true u have nothing to fear but fear itself.

ledkr · 15/02/2011 23:58

toast in bed at night with no moaning was a turning point for me,oh yes and going out with friends one friday at 11pm at a moments notice-felt so naughty lol.Beer in the bath on weekday,gosh why did i get remarried? haha.

WherecanIhide · 16/02/2011 08:05

Poor you - how awful.

Original poster

onelastchance · 16/02/2011 08:21

Thanks for your replies :)

I'm going to call my counsellor today. H is away over night tonight for work. he tried to tlk to me this morning apologising for 2being irritating" and said he "didn't deserve to be picked on by me" - ie me barely speaking to him. I said i didn't desrve to be disabled which is pretty much how i feel atm with my ankle, twisted pelvis,etc - he then had a go at me for changing the subject. A few minutes later he said he was "sorry for what's happened in the past".

How will i feel if in the future i'm in a wheelchair and it he could have contributed to it - will be much harder to move on then....

OP posts:

ledkr · 16/02/2011 08:53

olc sorry to be ignorant but did he do that to you then?I havent got time to read the whole thread with the new baby but i was in the past in a seriously violent relationship and can advise on that.

2rebecca · 16/02/2011 09:10

Are your disabilities his fault? If not they are irrelevent to a discussion about your relationship and the way you communicate and bringing them up is changing the subject by playing the poor me card.
I'd get annoyed if my husband and I were discussing the fact that 1 of us felt picked on and we weren't happy together and he replied with "what about my bad back then...."

2rebecca · 16/02/2011 09:15

I read earlier you think your husband did twist your pelvis. That is extremely unusual. Has an orthopaedic surgeon confirmed your problems were caused by trauma?
A twisted spine is more common than a twisted pelvis, not sure exactly what you mean by that.
If my husband was blaming me for disabling him I'd want to know for certain I had caused a problem.
Spine problems are common, domestic violence is common, doesn't mean there is a causal link.

Original poster

onelastchance · 16/02/2011 09:31

orry yes, it's a twisted spine/roated pelvis. I've been told it's very likely that what he did caused it - it's impossible to ever be 100% sure, maybe it' have happened anyway. however all the problems started after what he did

OP posts:

merrywidow · 16/02/2011 10:04

what did he do ?

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