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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh not listeng - again :(

115 replies

onelastchance · 14/02/2011 14:39

dh always buy me flowers for valentines day. Last night i told him i'd much rather have a voucher for back massage instead. On the phone earlier, i said something about no flowers and he sounded surprised and was claerly still going to buy some. he just sent a text to say he's no recollection of any conversation about v day last night! He often "forgets" things i've said - makes me feel so unimportant. As it stands atm, I'v told him not to bother at all about Valentines day now.
Am i being silly, or shoudl i remind him of the conversation? Don't want a row

OP posts:
Original poster
onelastchance · 14/02/2011 16:56

Things had been getting better so i was hopeful that things would continue to do so, That's why we're still together

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Original poster
onelastchance · 14/02/2011 16:59

No he doesn't seem to lose his keys,etc any more than very occasionally

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CinnabarRed · 14/02/2011 16:59

In that case, OLC, flowers or not for Valentine's Day aren't really the issue. (We can only go on the details in your OP, unless we stalk you round the boards.)

What are you planning to do? It sounds like this is a relationship that can't be fixed.

merrywidow · 14/02/2011 17:12

I would put money on the fact that if you told him you were leaving/left him; you would then be waiting for him to declare his undying love along with big showy displays of his love.

I have read some of your other threads

if this is what you need in a relationship, then I'm afraid you will probably have to look for a different kind of man.

Original poster
onelastchance · 14/02/2011 17:19

No wouldn't be expecting that at all! Even if i was he definatley wouldn't do it

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RudeEnglishLady · 14/02/2011 17:21

Okay - there is other stuff.

Then I withdraw my comments - it sounds like a frustrating situation. I have no real experience of this so have no further advice.

CinnabarRed · 14/02/2011 17:26

OLC, despite my earlier comment about stalking, I have just had a quick look through your other posts.

As AF says, your relationship is clearly dead and rotting.

I'm not sure what more you would like us to do for you? There's only so many times you can post about your DH before deciding to either make the best of it (not recommended) or leave.

I don't want to be harsh, but I don't know what it will take before you make up your mind.

Original poster
onelastchance · 14/02/2011 17:37

Thanks CR. It certinly isn't the sort of relationship i want, there's no physical side, the thought of that not pleasant relly. have cuddles, but not in a sexual way. Plus there's everything else. The alternative does scare me though

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AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 17:44

CR, I nearly took umbrage at your earlier "stalking" comment

I don't stalk people but I do notice when people post the same things over and over again

Hoping for a different reply next time, if they just phrase it a little differently

homing in on the one or two posters who see something positive in staying with such a man (usually "for the dc" which I totally do not agree with)

those who makes excuses for inadequate men because of their "upbringing" or suggesting some mild forms of Autism (for example) that might explain such piss-poor attitudes towards women (it doesn't)

but I see you have worked it out for yourself Smile in this case, anyway

OLC, I sound dismissive of your plight

I am certainly am not

but he won't change because you really want him to, he has to want to in order to keep you and I am not seeing it, sorry

the ball really is in your court

CinnabarRed · 14/02/2011 17:44

What scares you? Perhaps we can talk you through your fears and help you find coping mechanisms?

merrywidow · 14/02/2011 17:44

so the flowers/back massage just a red herring then.

Sod the counselling, its obviously not moving you forward to where you think you want to be ( parallysis through analysis sometimes ) - and stop bothering to make him go aswell as he can't be arsed.

Pick yourself up and do something, step outside your comfort zone which is uncomfortable anyway and you will actually probably start to feel better about everything.

start small, for example try an activity you have never done before, learn something new.

Just don't sit there and do the same thing over and over and then expect a different result, it ain't gonna happen.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 17:46

Just don't sit there and do the same thing over and over and then expect a different result, it ain't gonna happen.

isn't that the definition of something ? madness maybe ? (meant colloqually)

CinnabarRed · 14/02/2011 17:47

Think it was Einstein's definition of insanity.

WriterofDreams · 14/02/2011 17:48

I haven't looked at your other threads OP so I can't comment on the other stuff that's going on in your relationship but I totally sympathise about the not listening thing. DH is generally lovely but sometimes when I talk to him, particularly if he's on the computer, he doesn't acknowledge what I've said at all and I find it incredibly hurtful. He doesn't see a problem with it but to me it is so rude and makes me feel like I don't exist. Twice this week I've had to ask "Did you hear me?" after I've said something only to have him respond as if I'm mad for expecting an answer. Being ignored is just horrible.

merrywidow · 14/02/2011 17:48

I've seen so many people do this AF, then look on in bewilderment as to why nothing changes

Teenybitsad · 14/02/2011 17:55

My DH was asking about it all last week and I said "I would like some heart shaped earrings...in silver"

And I was presented with a massive red heart shaped box of chocolates this morning.

I felt a tiny bit Sad for about a half a second and then I realised that he has either

A forgotten
B Not known where to shop

So I decided to be pleased instead.

Original poster
onelastchance · 14/02/2011 18:22

Thanks for your replies. I'm scared of being lone with ds and how we'd manage. CR yes would like to talk things through and find some strategies to cope, thanks.

H home now and playing with ds. We've not said a word to eachother

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merrywidow · 14/02/2011 18:40

and did you get the flowers?

merrywidow · 14/02/2011 18:42

if he didn't get the flowers he was listening then

Original poster
onelastchance · 14/02/2011 18:59

no he didn't get the flowers :)

he apologised ealier "for bing irritating". whay should i do when he comes down from bathing ds. have the nice dinner we'd planned or just sit in front of tv or soemthing?

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Original poster
onelastchance · 14/02/2011 18:59

being, not bing!

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merrywidow · 14/02/2011 19:04

cook him the dinner apologise for being rude about the flowers (which you were; he was trying )and see what happens.

merrywidow · 14/02/2011 19:09

or you could sit in front of the TV, not cook or talk and seethe with resentment?

Original poster
onelastchance · 14/02/2011 19:09

is that what everyone else think? I do know he has a bad memory maybe i should just learn not to be disappointed?

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Original poster
onelastchance · 14/02/2011 19:10

that'd be pretty miserable:(. i see your point mw

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