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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

dh not listeng - again :(

115 replies

onelastchance · 14/02/2011 14:39

dh always buy me flowers for valentines day. Last night i told him i'd much rather have a voucher for back massage instead. On the phone earlier, i said something about no flowers and he sounded surprised and was claerly still going to buy some. he just sent a text to say he's no recollection of any conversation about v day last night! He often "forgets" things i've said - makes me feel so unimportant. As it stands atm, I'v told him not to bother at all about Valentines day now.
Am i being silly, or shoudl i remind him of the conversation? Don't want a row

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onelastchance · 14/02/2011 22:28

yes!!!

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merrywidow · 14/02/2011 22:29

I am honoured Grace Smile

AgeingGrace · 14/02/2011 22:30

Remember Transactional Analysis, olc?

Have another look at The Yes, But game ... what are you getting out of this? Serious question.

And - is it worth it?

AnyFucker · 14/02/2011 22:31

so the house has to be sold ?

yes eventually

is that so bad ?

is the prospect of a smaller place for just you and dc so horrendous to consider that you will remain in an unhappy relationship that will actively stop you from finding a better way ?

this is like deja vu now...I am having the exact same conversation on another thread

onelastchance · 14/02/2011 22:39

no not so bad at all really. just scary as unknown

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merrywidow · 14/02/2011 22:39

The Yes/but game a fascinating read Grace, my DD does this all the time, I have to refrain from losing it sometimes when she does it

onelastchance · 14/02/2011 23:00

any ideas on how to deal with the next few days?

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onelastchance · 15/02/2011 08:15

well went of to bed (alone, as usual)last night. he tried to kiss me goodbye for morn, didn't say anything about last night. saw on calendar he's away weds eve - was pleased.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2011 08:46

OLC

What are you both teaching your child about relationships here?.

What did you yourself learn about relationships from your own parents?. Damaging lessons?. It would not surprise me if you were to subsequently reply that your parents relationship was itself very rocky. If that is the case then history is repeating itself here.

Anniegetyourgun · 15/02/2011 09:23

Why do you want a big house for just you and DS? Wouldn't a smaller one do just as well?

You don't even like the man very much, do you?

It seems as though your whole marriage is a sort of power struggle. Maybe not on your part, but his every reaction seems to treat it like one. When you said to him that you would like something different from flowers, you may have said it simply because you, er, wanted something different from flowers (radical!). But his reaction suggested you were setting him a test, to see if he would measure up. I do know you occasionally do set him tests as you've said so before (one about booking a dinner, I think). You would like a demonstration that he cares, even that he's actually noticed you as a separate human being; but he sees you tying to get the upper hand, and is damned if he will play your little games (which you may not even be playing). After all, who is the man in this relationship, eh? He pays the bills, he gave you a child, he doesn't beat you, and he was even going to bring you flowers because that's what men do. What is this "want something different" nonsense? Women want flowers. Women who say they don't want flowers are playing at something.

For your part, I think you're so amazed that you actually caught a real live man, which validates you as a woman, that you would put up with one hell of a lot to keep the ego boost he represents just by being "my husband". There is oh, so much more to being a woman than that. Even the enormous privilege of having brought a lovely new human being into the world - yes, you did that! - is by no means all it means to be a woman. Remember the power of punctuation, and change yours: "Woman, without her man, is nothing" becomes "Woman: without her, man is nothing". And be great, and stop being involved in one-sided power games (because you can't win if you don't know you're even playing).

onelastchance · 15/02/2011 09:44

Thanks for your replies :)

atm - yes you're right - my parent's marriage was not good at all. they stayed married til my father died but i left home sap as it was so horrible there :(

Annie - yes a smaller house would be fine! Your thoughts are very interesting - i don;t like to think he's playing games, but you may be right.

i wonder if it's worth seeing the counsellor again.

Just had rext from h, saying he hoped my physio appt goes well this morning

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Anniegetyourgun · 15/02/2011 09:58

I don't mean games for fun, although some people do. I mean a sort of mental exercise, perhaps, based on his outlook. Just as you have one fixed view of what a relationship ought to be like, he has another, and just as you are trying to bring things round to how you'd like them to be, so is he. I do think your model of a marriage is much nicer than his, but maybe that isn't the point.

Nice of him to remember about the physio thing, at least Smile

onelastchance · 15/02/2011 12:18

yes, nice of him to remember. he's called today too, but haven't answered. Not really sure what to say, more to the point if there's any point talking

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onelastchance · 15/02/2011 18:46

physio said my recovery from my broken ankle is being made more difficult becuase of my twisted pelvis (an injury 99% sure h caused). He asked how it went a few mins ago, and i told hum what physion said. He then seemed surprised when i said i didn't feel like talking to him Shock

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onelastchance · 15/02/2011 20:26

anyone there?

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onelastchance · 15/02/2011 22:02

anyone? would really appreciate a chat..

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AnyFucker · 15/02/2011 22:36

you ok ?

onelastchance · 15/02/2011 22:36

guess there's noone there then:( so need someone to talk to

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AnyFucker · 15/02/2011 22:36

I am here

onelastchance · 15/02/2011 22:38

thanks :) Just don't know what to do next. h away tomorrow night - quite pleased. Just feel generally sad tho

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Patienceobtainsallthings · 15/02/2011 22:39

Olc u can create whatever life u want ,but u need to want change,I was addicted to my X .I wasn't happy but I didn't want to split.anyway long story short in the last 16 mths I have changed my house and my job and I am getting divorced.I am working thru all of this because I want peace in my world.its up to u ,u can leave this bloke or live with him for the rest of ur life .

onelastchance · 15/02/2011 22:41

thanks patience. I'm scared of being alone with ds and scred of regetting it if i leave - grass not always greener. maybe one set of problems would be replaced with another...

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AnyFucker · 15/02/2011 22:47

Nobody can tell you what you need to do.

I can see how sad you are, but you are going round in circles, love.

What about contacting a counsellor again ? Perhaps a different one as the last one isn't helping you to crystallise your thoughts. They too cannot recommend a course of action, but can point out all the pro/cons of different directions wih you

You seem paralysed by something. By fear of being alone, I am guessing. That he isn't "bad" enough to finish the relationship.

You have just reminded me that he has hurt you physically in the past (your pelvis). I seem to also remember he hasn't done that for a while, but I could never forgive that, I am sorry.

If you really want my bottom-line personal opinion, I think you need to do something this time. Or you are going to remain unhappy. He isn't going to change anything to make you happy, The status quo suits him but it doesn't suit you. Stalemate.

Seek some RL help to bolser your confidence. It may take a while, but you can strive for a better life. If you really want to. You are not convincing me of that, at the moment, though Sad x

onelastchance · 15/02/2011 22:51

thanks af :) I do plan to see a counsellor again,will call her tomorrow.

yes you're tight i do fear the future alone, without him an feel he isn't bad enough to end it

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onelastchance · 15/02/2011 22:51

just heard him go off to bed in the spare room

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