dh not listeng - again :(

[onelastchance]

dh always buy me flowers for valentines day. Last night i told him i'd much rather have a voucher for back massage instead. On the phone earlier, i said something about no flowers and he sounded surprised and was claerly still going to buy some. he just sent a text to say he's no recollection of any conversation about v day last night! He often "forgets" things i've said - makes me feel so unimportant. As it stands atm, I'v told him not to bother at all about Valentines day now.
Am i being silly, or shoudl i remind him of the conversation? Don't want a row

Not listening to you is not a memory problem. I am not saying his memory isn't an issue but if he doesn't hear what you say and make the effort to listen he won't remember it.

I also don't think you were rude about the flowers because your DH didn't make an effort. Making an effort would be doing what you asked or at least paying enough attention to say he couldn't do what you wanted because he didn't have time or didn't know where to get the voucher.

Apologise for your part in the bad atmosphere to smooth the way and forget about the flowers.

Ah ok well if this is part of a bigger picture that includes ineffective counselling and miscommunication spanning back years then what are you pissing around with flowers and massages and dinner for? It sounds like there are bigger issues here than those things can fix. Do you want to stay in this relationship?

ONElastchance?
Where's the Great Big Sigh emoticon? I need it!

Sweetheart, your posts make me feel very sad for you but I can't answer them any more because you seem to be in love with your role as Neglected Wife.

Have you ever thought about why you need advice on so many details of your relationship? Usually this indicates a great big elephant in the room. I have a reasonable idea of what this elephant looks like, but you seem determined not to see it. Which is odd, since all I know is what you've shared.

You used to be doing great stuff to get your self-love up to a reasonable level. What happened to it??

Perhaps you should have sent yourself flowers!

OLC - cook the dinner if doing so, and eating it, would give you pleasure. Don't if it would stick in your craw. But don't base your decision just on him; do it for you.

In a healthy relationship you would cook dinner because you want to, and your H would appreciate your effort - and his appreciation would make you even happier.

Turning to the practical side - you don't know how you'd manage as a single parent. Do you mean financially specifically? I would start by arranging meetings with CAB and a divorce lawyer. They will be able to tell you what you're entitled to and how to go about getting them. (I might be wrong, but I don't get the impression that money would be too much of an issue for you?) I know you've posted elsewhere on MN asking for advice re benefits, but I think it would do you good to hear it face to face.

I suspect you'd manage a hell of a lot better than you do living this half-life.

You also say you're scared of being alone (or possibly lonely) with just DS. Why should you be alone just because you've separated from yout H? Sure you might not be in another relationship anytime soon, but you don't have to be lonely.

Out of interest have you ever lived alone? The trick is to be happy in your own company (or at least happier than you are with your H, which doesn't sound hard!).

Does your H ever go away on business/trips? Do you feel happier when he does - choosing the food you eat, the telly you watch, what time you go to bed, whether DS gets a special treat of staying up for a cuddle? That's how it could be in the future.

AgingGrace talks about the need to love yourself and she's absolutely right. Look at individual counselling; start doing things you enjoy purely for yourself, even if just long bubble baths; list all of your friends and think about how you could spend more time with them in the future; are their hobbies you could take up to meet people? how old is DS? He'll be company for you soon. Are any of the Mums you meet at the school gate nice? In my experience, if you ask someone if they fancy a cuppa 99% will say yes.

oh thanks CR,what a lovely post :) No I've never lived "properly " alone. My ds is nearly 5 nd fab company - he's an adorabe sweet little boy :)

My h hardly ever goes away but he's sometime out for the eve and i look forward to it!

anyone there?

yes, you ok ?

just at a loss as to wht to do next :(

I know you all find me relly frustrating, but i find it all so hard. i so want things to work. maybe i just want too much?

I find your situation frustrating, because from the outside it is very clear that you cannot make it work all by yourself just by wishing it so

it's very easy for me to say though, isn't it

do you really love him, or are you just frightened of being on your own ?

you wouldn't be the first, or last woman, to go it alone

in many ways, youe are alone

you are alone with your thoughts, and with your ideals

he doesn't share them, and for a relationship to work to the benefit of both involved, that is key

the only person your relationship is benefitting, is him

I am so sorry, I hope someone else comes along in a moment, I expect your heart sank when you saw it was me that replied < tentative ? >

no didn't sink :)

yes you're right, in mny ways i am alone :(

he'd say it's benefitting me too - which it is in some ways

do you mean financially ?

partly and practically

i know that makes me shallow :(

I'm hardly the only woman to think like tht though!

No, it doesn't make you shallow, just pragmatic

but you know that he knows you will never strike out on your own while you are feeling this fear

so on it goes

do you have any support from family/friends ? Could you move back home for a while with dc ? Could you ask him to leave after finding out where you sand financially?

I don't know if I am getting you mixed up wih someone else, but didn't you split before ? What made you get back together ?

was it financial...or did he make you empty promises he hd no intention of keeping (once he had you back in line) ?

there is a difference...if you have coped before, you can again

think you are muddling AF

nowhere i couod move to for a while. only family i have dont have roo and live quite distance away. no way he' move out.

yes we did split up for a while a couple of yers ago

you're not muddling AF

olc, you want things to work. I know what that feels like - most of the women who've responded to your threads know.

The other thing we know is that things don't work if they can't. You want your marriage to be the marriage in your head & heart, right?

It isn't like that because it is simply unable to be like it.

You can't make another person "be" what they aren't.

All you're left with is you, yourself, and your little boy. I'd like you to stop wishing things were different, stop wishing you had a different husband, and set you free to be yourself.

Putting up shelves and paying the bills - well, you can do some of that yourself and, for the rest, that's why there are laws.

But hey :(

Here, have some and [roses]

mw

oh grace , thanks :))

if you divorce, the judge will decide who moves out...not you, not him

if you are main carer for the dc's, that will be him

my Mum has this infuriating habit when she is unhappy with someone of saying 'well, they could have said to me, blah,blah,blah'....

I always remind her that people just don't say or do what you want them to, you just can't expect that and if you do, you will never be content

ye, but someone has t pay the mortgage! I was told by a solicitor th house would have to be sold and proceeds split as couldn't justify me keeping a big house just for me and ds

merrywidow is wise, olc.

... that sounds like a coded spy message, doesn't it?

a little place to call my own.... whats that song?