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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh no not another affair story- dire warning

105 replies

onethatgotaway · 13/02/2011 12:44

It has been 2 days since I received this txt:

You won't like this but my guilt has become uncontrollable to the extent where I can't look my W in the eye. For the sake of my marriage this will be my last contact to you. Only other thing I can say is sorry x

I haven't slept, feel sick and full of self loathing for getting myself into this whole sorry situation which has been going on/off for 6 months. I know this is finally it now, I will never hear from him again and it is breaking my heart.

I don't want or expect sympathy, just PLEASE PLEASE even if you are remotely tempted one tiny little bit to start an affair, thinking it will just be a bit of harmless fun, it will cause you so much pain and grief you will wish you'd never laid eyes on your OM/OW and if only you could turn back the clocks etc, etc. It is NEVER worth it, it will always end in tears, invariably for everyone involved, and it will wreck your life. Things will never be the same again.

If you think that sounds fun and tempting, think again and take this as a warning.

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 13/02/2011 12:45

Hope you get over him soon. Keep busy. Smile

Annpan88 · 13/02/2011 12:47

I hope your alright and I'm sorry you found yourself in such a sad situation

ninah · 13/02/2011 12:52

goes with the territory
so the only reason not to do it is not to get hurt? how about don't do it because it's deceitful and immoral (and yes that goes for your ex whatever he is too)
don't see why are posting if not for sympathy by stealth

shabby7 · 13/02/2011 12:53

I hope your heart mends soon. Agree you should keep busy and over time you will think of him less and less.

Original poster
onethatgotaway · 13/02/2011 12:53

Thanks ajandjj, I think it will be a long time though, I can't get him out of my head, going over and over every single conversation in minute detail. It is pure mental torture. I am trying to occupy myself in the day time but trying to get to sleep at night is terrible.

OP posts:
robberbutton · 13/02/2011 12:55

Yy ninah. Selfishness, with no regard for others, enables people to start affairs. And you are still so self-absorbed that the only reason not to do it is now how hurt you are? Hmm doesn't even begin to cover it...

Original poster
onethatgotaway · 13/02/2011 12:59

Ninah, as I said in OP it is meant to be a warning to others who are thinking of starting affair, as there are so many threads along the lines of "I've got a crush on someone, what harm can it do?" blah blah blah. Yes everyone who had an affair knows they are being a sneaky low-life cheat and that is why the guilt becomes uncontrollable. And it isn't worth it.

OP posts:
Mymblesson · 13/02/2011 13:04

Are you married too?

Original poster
onethatgotaway · 13/02/2011 13:09

Yes, married for 13 yrs but been with DH 20 years, 2 DC. Never done anything like this before in my life.

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 13/02/2011 13:09

Ninah, robberbutton
Have you never made a mistake?

Mymblesson · 13/02/2011 13:10

I presume your husband doesn't know? Surely he must know something's wrong, though?

SueWhite · 13/02/2011 13:12

You are both being quite melodramatic. It was an affair, not the end of the world. No one knows. Move on.

Sassybeast · 13/02/2011 13:13

People who start affairs pay no heed to warnings such as yours. They appear to have a separate moral code which allows them to justify their actions. This thread will achieve nothing other than to make you feel worse than you already do.

Ormirian · 13/02/2011 13:15

Sorry you're hurting OP, regardless of the whys and wherefores.

MadameOvary · 13/02/2011 13:18

OP's actions are understandable. She is trying to mke something good come of all the crap.
It may make someone think twice, so what's the harm?
I say that as someone who has been cheated on.

MadameOvary · 13/02/2011 13:19

mke-make

Original poster
onethatgotaway · 13/02/2011 13:21

Mymblesson,He knew something was wrong before Christmas, we were rowing all the time. I know I was trying to transfer the blame onto him, totally unfairly. I went to see a counsellor for 4 sessions which I think has taught me different ways of controlling my emotions. I can control my tears now whereas before I would've been crying all the time. I seem to be able to blank the affair out of my mind when DH is around now, so I guess I am actly normally, if a bit quiet.

OP posts:
ninah · 13/02/2011 13:22

it was his guilt that actually ended it though?
I don't think an affair with a married man that goes on for six months is a 'mistake'
and I don't think for a moment this thread will change someone's mind about having one
Hope you are ok op. I can't help feeling more sympathy for his wife though.

ENormaSnob · 13/02/2011 13:22

Karma is a beautiful thing.

Mymblesson · 13/02/2011 13:23

OK, just wondered. Do you think you'll ever tell him about it?

Hope you manage to sort your self out.

SueWhite · 13/02/2011 13:23

Karma bullshit.

tiredmumof3 · 13/02/2011 13:28

So sorry you are having to go thru this. For people to say that those who cheat have their own moral code? Nobody knows what it is like until you find yourself in the situation. Very few people make the decision to cheat, it doesn't really happen overnight. You can be a nice person and find yourself in the middle of a situation like this. BTDT.
You deserve sympathy not scorn, you've tried to admit this to make others think twice. Wish I'd read it a few months ago.
Keep busy and just focus on getting yourself through this hard time. Make the decision to save your marriage and family and work your butt off making sure that you give them all they've missed for the last 6 months. Take care of yourself.

ChippedChinaTeaCup · 13/02/2011 13:29

Unfortunately it might be too little too late for both your marriages.

I bet your dh has noticed changes in your behaviour and attitude towards him and is wondering why. Does your guilt allow you to look him in the eye? You're keeping a massive secret from him that will impact on every single interaction you have with him forever.

You might even start viewing him as a fool because you managed to cuckold him.

The fallout from this is insidious in its infiltration of your marriage, even though the damage might not be apparent for a long time, it will be there.

Horrible.

mpops · 13/02/2011 13:31

No need to be so sanctimonious. Onethatgotaway didn't say she was proud, just that she was hurting. You can make mistakes that last one minute, six months, years on end. People stay with the wrong partners and have kids and hate their lives - those are mistakes too. Who on here has gone through life claiming perfection on every level? Crap happens and sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with or how you go about it and circumstances have a lot to do with how things end up. The greatest thing about being human is being able to think things through and forgive, or at least try.

I do hope you feel better soon and that you find a way to give yourself back to your family and be happy. Take care.

SueWhite · 13/02/2011 13:33

That's crap though. If you believe that it will ultimately be the end of the marriage, deceit, secret, blah blah blah then it WILL be because it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you look at it logically and decide that nobody knows so you can both just forget about it and get on with things, knowing that you won't do it again then you've got a pretty good chance of making it.

All this 'guilt eats away' bs - only if you let it. So just don't, OK? You're an adult in charge of your own brain, not Anna friggin' Karenina.