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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh no not another affair story- dire warning

105 replies

onethatgotaway · 13/02/2011 12:44

It has been 2 days since I received this txt:

You won't like this but my guilt has become uncontrollable to the extent where I can't look my W in the eye. For the sake of my marriage this will be my last contact to you. Only other thing I can say is sorry x

I haven't slept, feel sick and full of self loathing for getting myself into this whole sorry situation which has been going on/off for 6 months. I know this is finally it now, I will never hear from him again and it is breaking my heart.

I don't want or expect sympathy, just PLEASE PLEASE even if you are remotely tempted one tiny little bit to start an affair, thinking it will just be a bit of harmless fun, it will cause you so much pain and grief you will wish you'd never laid eyes on your OM/OW and if only you could turn back the clocks etc, etc. It is NEVER worth it, it will always end in tears, invariably for everyone involved, and it will wreck your life. Things will never be the same again.

If you think that sounds fun and tempting, think again and take this as a warning.

OP posts:
Sassybeast · 13/02/2011 13:35

'Very few people make the decision to cheat' Hmm How does it happen then? Magic fairies in charge ? Adulterers will justify their actions. Fact. YOU made the decison to cheat. YOU deal with the sanctimony and the derison.

Xales · 13/02/2011 13:43

Did you have unprotected sex?

Even if you didn't condoms are not 100% against STIs.

You need to go and get yourself checked to ensure that you do not have anything and that you have not risked your unsuspecting husband's health.

If you have anything you owe you husband the common decency to let him know.

Original poster
onethatgotaway · 13/02/2011 13:46

Xales, I did go to doctor before Christmas and got checked. It is all fine, thankfully.

OP posts:
Original poster
onethatgotaway · 13/02/2011 13:49

And that should count as another warning not to get involved with an OM. Imagine telling your DH you have caught an STI.

OP posts:
tiredmumof3 · 13/02/2011 13:49

Sassybeast I stand by that statement. I didn't wake up one morning and think hey my life is a bit dull, I think I'll start an EA and jeopardise my marriage and family. It's often slow and gradual and unless you realise very early on that you're vulnerable to this attention and need to stop it, then you're in too deep. I am sure some people have a more cavalier attitude to faithfulness but there ARE nice, kind, decent people who fall for the wrong person. It happens. A year ago I thought women who did that kind if thing were evil homewreckers, but sometimes they are just your average wife and mum who gets her head turned.

shinyshoes · 13/02/2011 13:50

no sympathy here sorry.

There is almost daily posts of hurting wives on here finding out their husbands have cheated.

My sympathy lies there

SueWhite · 13/02/2011 13:53

Actually, I don't even believe this is true. I don't believe you had an affair. It's just a lame attempt to go 'Oooh look how bad it is, don't do it'. Whatevs.

SoupDragon · 13/02/2011 13:59

Good. I'm glad you feel shit.

veryconfusedandupset · 13/02/2011 14:07

OP - please do not think this wil ruin your life or, necessarily, your marriage. Having been there and done this ( and spoken to several others in the same boat) you will probably feel pretty bad for about 3 months, with good days followd by relapses into misery. If your marriage is fundamentaly good you will start to gain joy in it as time goes by and when you look back in a year's time you will wonder what it was you saw in OM to begin with - providing, of course you don't wallow in your misery. Some counselling is good as it gives you someone to talk to when you can't talk to anyone else. What a total shit you OM was to dump you by text! Mine sent me an email on a Sunday evening, but at least agreed to meet up the next day to explain himself.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 13/02/2011 14:24

I suppose it's possible that the posters on the "crush" thread might read your words and think again, OP, but sadly I doubt it. However, cynical though it is, appealing to posters' selfishness and asking them to consider their own hurt above everyone else's, might just make them think again.

And you certainly can help who you fall in love with, because you can avoid the hundreds of steps before that happens.

One of the things I'd urge you to confront once you've got over the shock of the OM ending this and putting his marriage first, is that had he not done this, you would have carried on deceiving your own family and colluding in the hurt of another. You might want to think about having some counselling while you wrestle with that.

As your OM ended this by text too, I would think there's a good chance his wife has found out and might want your H to know too. If you think there is any risk of that, don't let him find out from someone else.

It's a fallacy that having an affair has no impact on your marriage, your H or your DCs, because you haven't been present for them for 6 months. Your H has probably been trying to deny the obvious, but there will be some fall-out from that and only when you're out of this period of grief, will you be able to see that more clearly.

Original poster
onethatgotaway · 13/02/2011 14:27

tiredmum - exact same situation here, a year ago I would've looked upon people who have affairs with total scorn. It just does happen to normal people too, we are not evil characters in soaps who set out intentionally to hurt everyone around us.

SueWhite - why on earth do you think I would make this up? Er, I have got better things to do! I know I deserve everything that's coming to me too but I'm not wallowing in guilt because what can that achieve?

veryconfused - it was totally shitty to dump me like that, no explanation, nothing, but in a way it is probabably better in the long run. I have a million questions to ask him, but going over and over it would just prolong the agony. I don't think I could've coped with him telling me face to face. Also, it made me think What a coward, tosser, complete twat.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 13/02/2011 14:36

You know, it really irritates me when people who have affairs berate the OM/OW for ending it, calling them all the names under the sun. In the end you see, he was rather more honourable than you, in that he put his wife and family first. Perhaps his wife knows and insisted that she saw what he wrote? If so, I can understand that - and his loyalty should be to her first.

If he's also conflicted about this, he won't have wanted to put himself in the way of further tempation by seeing or speaking to you, in case he weakened again. Try to see this from his point of view too. He is no worse than you and in fact has behaved rather better, when push came to shove.

ChippingInAuntyToThomas · 13/02/2011 14:45

Some lessons in life you just have to learn for yourself. It does seem a shame that the only thing you seem to have learnt from this is that you might get hurt - what about his wife & family, what about yours?

You need to look at why you didn't want it to end. You need to sort your own relationship out and if you can't - leave.

Original poster
onethatgotaway · 13/02/2011 14:46

I know he's no worse than me. I feel sorry for his wife. I feel sorry for my DH, but I don't see him as a fool.

I have called myself all the names under the sun as well, bitch, cow, tart etc. If that makes you feel better. You just can't help feeling crap after it's all gone tit's up and it's only natural to want to make yourself hate the OM. What's the point in me thinking of him as an "honourable man"?

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 13/02/2011 14:51

The point is that it the more you hate the OM, the less you will take responsibility for your own actions. The only thing you actually hate him for is for dumping you and not continuing to deceive his wife and DCs.

I understand why the short-term approach of demonising someone else for your own behaviour will help you to detach from the OM, but in the long run, it doesn't actually help.

Better to be grateful that he had more courage and spine than you, when it came to it.

makealist · 13/02/2011 14:54

and I bet if he text you again and said that he'd made a mistake and that he still wanted to see you/be with you, you would go back to him in a flash!

Original poster
onethatgotaway · 13/02/2011 14:55

Chippingin - That is not the only lesson I have learned!! What I was trying to say is that EVERYONE directly and indirectly involved gets hurt, whether or not they know about it. Wives and husbands and families get neglected, even if it is unintentional. They suffer too. I hate myself for not being a proper mum to my DCs for 6 months, that's a horrible, horrible feeling.

OP posts:
robberbutton · 13/02/2011 15:12

Wow, yes, the neglect. Yes, that's the worst.

Oh wait, no it's not. Perhaps it's the lies, betrayal, the fact that someone who promised to love and protect you has let you down in the worst way, hurt you more than anyone else ever has. Or perhaps it's the images you're left with, of the person you gave your life and your body to joining himself with somebody else. Of discarding everything you gave in the last few years, all the time and energy that should have been devoted to his children, being spent on bites tongue someone else.

OP, you have no fucking idea, until you can see it in your H's face (and possibly not even then, depending on how self-absorbed you are), what you've done.

Original poster
onethatgotaway · 13/02/2011 15:23

Thanks, that has made me feel so much better about myself. Very helpful comment. I will go back to my self absorbed life now.

OP posts:
robberbutton · 13/02/2011 15:29

You're welcome. What did you expect? Not sympathy according to your OP. Not the truth either though, it looks like.

veryconfusedandupset · 13/02/2011 15:33

I don't think he was more honourable than OP-he was probably just a very emotionally imature person whose feelings burned out quickly and who began to realise the risks he was running. He was certainly very inconsiderate about her feelings to dump her in this way. I'm afraid stiff upper lip etc. is the only way forward ( with a bit of propping up from counselling if it helps ) Don't let anyone tell you you are a nasty horrible person,the fact that you got so consumed in this so easily says the contrary.

squeakytoy · 13/02/2011 15:34

I hate myself for not being a proper mum to my DCs for 6 months, that's a horrible, horrible feeling

but YOU didnt end the affair... he did...

no sympathy for you from me..

superv1xen · 13/02/2011 15:34

:(

oh god. hope your ok op. no judging here don't worry.

keep your chin up x

ChippingInAuntyToThomas · 13/02/2011 15:34

I'm sorry - but what did you want? Did you really expect everyone to just say 'Oh poor you'?

Honestly, self absorbed doesn't even begin to describe how you are behaving.

Your posts are all me me me me me - what about your husband?

You are only upset that he has dumped you. If you are this upset about it, you'd probably be better off leaving your husband so he has the opportunity to find someone who loves him and wants to be with him.

Also, next time you want to post about your affair could you do some of us the courtesy of mentioning in the title that you are the OW because, quite frankly, I'd rather avoid posts by self absorbed OW who just want to be told what they are doing is OK.

It's not OK - you know it's not OK - so pull your socks up, consider whether you love your husband and want to be with him or not and stop moping about a man who is as feckless as you.

Affairs do not just happen - there is always that moment before you cross that line that you can stop it. Don't fool yourself.

RMCW · 13/02/2011 15:36

You should feel bad.

What you (and he) have done is wrong.

What are you more upset about btw, that it ended or that he ended it?

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