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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Oh no not another affair story- dire warning

105 replies

onethatgotaway · 13/02/2011 12:44

It has been 2 days since I received this txt:

You won't like this but my guilt has become uncontrollable to the extent where I can't look my W in the eye. For the sake of my marriage this will be my last contact to you. Only other thing I can say is sorry x

I haven't slept, feel sick and full of self loathing for getting myself into this whole sorry situation which has been going on/off for 6 months. I know this is finally it now, I will never hear from him again and it is breaking my heart.

I don't want or expect sympathy, just PLEASE PLEASE even if you are remotely tempted one tiny little bit to start an affair, thinking it will just be a bit of harmless fun, it will cause you so much pain and grief you will wish you'd never laid eyes on your OM/OW and if only you could turn back the clocks etc, etc. It is NEVER worth it, it will always end in tears, invariably for everyone involved, and it will wreck your life. Things will never be the same again.

If you think that sounds fun and tempting, think again and take this as a warning.

OP posts:

Mymblesson · 13/02/2011 15:36

Or perhaps it's the images you're left with

Oh god, yes. Like an endless filmloop in your head. Shudders.

ChippingInAuntyToThomas · 13/02/2011 15:36

veryconfusedandupset - what? Getting comsumed in an affair makes her a lovely person?

...just when you think you have heard it all....

Original poster

onethatgotaway · 13/02/2011 15:38

Also FYI, he met his DW while he was still married to his first wife and they had an affair, so she is not holier than thou either.

I didn't want sympathy, just didn't expect to get burnt at the stake. There are 2 sides to every story, but I'm not saying I was right because I know I wasn't. Why can't you see that?!

OP posts:

RMCW · 13/02/2011 15:39

Oh! Well, thats fine then!!!!

If other people behave badly, then its fine for you to!

FGS!!!!

noddyholder · 13/02/2011 15:41

Why are you still with your dh?

Serendippy · 13/02/2011 15:42

OP, you must have heard that affairs were destructive before you started yours. I have never had one but nobody has ever told me they are a good idea. So your advice will help nobody. Also, if he hadn't ended the affair you would still be having it so what you are saying is; don't have an affair, YOU might get hurt. Very selfish.

ChippingInAuntyToThomas · 13/02/2011 16:33

Well perhaps she chose badly - she was his OW and when you marry a man like that you create a vacancy That doesn't make what you or he did right. So I gather, as he had form, you assumed he'd leave her for you. When were you going to tell your husband of your plans?

You have been treated quite nicely actually, everyone has been quite calm & polite to you, if you would like to get burnt at the stake I'm sure it could be arranged by some of the many women on here whose husband have cheated on them and a few others who have helped their friends cope with the aftermath of an affair.

What other side of this story could there possibly be that justifies you having an affair and not caring about your family? Even if your DH has had an affair and this is your attempt to even it up - it doesn't make it right... if you are unhappy - leave.

emmyloopsylou · 13/02/2011 16:43

ME, me, me ,me ,me ,me ,me.

Did I miss something? Seriously get over yourself. He was actually the better party here, he decided to end it and has done so in the correct manner to make his wife a priority again.

You however would have carried on lying, seeing him and are now banging on how you feel and what an idiot he is.

This isn't a warning, it's an outlet for you to wallow and indulge.

You are not a nice person, do stop saying you are. Affairs make people selfish and make people unkind, you are proof of that.

squeakytoy · 13/02/2011 16:51

he met his DW while he was still married to his first wife and they had an affair, so she is not holier than thou either

He was actually the better party here, he decided to end it and has done so in the correct manner to make his wife a priority again.

After reading his past record, more likely he has dumped the Op because he is shagging some other tart now.

Sassybeast · 13/02/2011 17:12

Tiredmumofthree - spare me the bullshit. Seriously. 'Decent' people do not have affairs. They convince themselves that they are 'decent' and 'nice' and all the other trite phrases that you have trotted out. And luckily for adulterers, there are plenty of other adulterers who will pat them on the head and tell them that of COURSE they are nice, kind and 'decent' But unfortunately in the real world, decent people don't lie, deceive and cheat. They don't rip families apart without a sincere thought for the people they are shitting on. So keep telling yourself that your affair was some kind of 'head turning' that you had no control over because luckily for every adulterer who agrees with you, there are two 'decent' people who don't.

tadpoles · 13/02/2011 17:48

I know - why don't we put the OP is a pair of stocks in her village and throw rotten tomatoes at her.

God some of you lot are so PATHETIC and your posts so vitriolic - perhaps we should go back to hanging.

Some poeople do actually FALL IN LOVE you know. Have some of you ever heard of that? And, I know it sounds heretic, but they might fall in love with someone they are not married to!! Yes, an extraordinary concept for some people on here but there it is.

She had an affair - so what. It's been going on since the year dot. In fact, probably right now, there are people committing adultery!!

Get over it some of you lot with your infantile and childish posts.

tadpoles · 13/02/2011 17:51

Why is the OM "the better" party here? What a load of bollocks. The shit probably hit the fan at home and he decided the risk wasn't worth it. Nothing whatsover to do with being better or worse despite the posters who have tried to suggest that in an attempt to bash the OP over the head.

realrabbit · 13/02/2011 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

superv1xen · 13/02/2011 17:55

realrabbit · 13/02/2011 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SoupDragon · 13/02/2011 18:24

Have you been on the receiving end of her type of behaviour then, tadpoles?

robberbutton · 13/02/2011 18:36

realrabbit, I'm sorry, what evidence is there that the OP finally values who and what she has in her life?

"I know this is finally it now, I will never hear from him again and it is breaking my heart."

"it will cause you so much pain and grief you will wish you'd never laid eyes on your OM/OW"

" I can't get him out of my head, going over and over every single conversation in minute detail. It is pure mental torture."

"I don't think I could've coped with him telling me face to face"

"You just can't help feeling crap after it's all gone tit's up"

These are the words of someone wallowing in self-pity, gutted that she's just been dumped.

52Girls · 13/02/2011 18:44

I feel for you, OP. You're a scapegoat for lots of badly treated wives out there, and boy, are they hanging you out to dry.

It makes them feel better.

SarahStrattonHasNiceBears · 13/02/2011 18:47

I've posted about this before in Chat. I fell deeply in love with someone 18 years ago when I was still married, as was he. Eighteen years on he is still the love of my life although up until a few months ago we had had no contact for 12 years. He had spent the whole of that time searching for me. Although I am now single, he is still married. People DO fall in love with the 'wrong' people, it happened to me and I can't be the only one.

Northernlurker · 13/02/2011 18:48

Oh come on - you see someone sitting by the side of the road crying, having been beaten up. Do you conduct an inquistion on what they did first, did they deserve it, have they ever made a mistake or a series of mistakes? Or do you pick them up and recognise that could happen to anybody and even if you yourself are perfect then it could be your sister or mother or daughter or friend there?

Op - I'm sorry you're hurting, I'm sorry you've hurt others. I'm not going to pretend to be perfect, I don't like what you've done but it's done and this too shall pass. Make the most of your marriage now and don't attack yourself. You owe it to your dh to be the best you can be not consumed with guilt.

demodad · 13/02/2011 18:51

Hi,
I agree with those who say it's easy to be high and mighty on this kind of subject.

If you begin an affair the 'problem' isn't the affair itself, it's the failure of the original relationship. If the person having the affair is also the main cause of the failing relationship then to me that's somewhat unacceptable. If however you have begun an affair because your partner really has bailed out on your original relationship then that's something completely different and they have my every sympathy (which is my current situation).

SarahStrattonHasNiceBears · 13/02/2011 18:57

In my case it was an abusive H. Obviously I should have left him earlier but I had absolutely zero confidence. In his case it was an emotionally abusive wife who was also abusive to his children. He did leave her eventually, meeting me made him realise that he could not live his life the way it was. With absolutely no disrespect to anyone who has been cheated on, I think there is always a problem within a relationship before the affair starts. Happy people do not have affairs.

Original poster

onethatgotaway · 13/02/2011 19:00

I can't believe some of you are having such a go for talking about "me, me, me". Who do you expect me to talk about - I am not a mind reader so I can only talk about my OWN feelings, can't I?

I never wanted to mess up my happy, secure and so-called idyllic life style and hopefully I haven't. I can make amends with my DH and DCs and get back to living my life in a "decent and moral" way again as I have done for the 43 years prior to this!

How do you know that someone you know and admire, like a close friend or teacher is not an "adulterer" too? People don't go round broadcasting the fact that they are having affairs and most are certainly not proud, but it has been going on since marriage was invented and always will, as tadpoles said. "Nice" people do have affairs but they know it is not "nice" behaviour! Of course it is very decent behaviour though to bully and threaten someone with more verbal abuse, isn't it?

Thanks realrabbit and superv1xen too.

OP posts:

romneymarsh · 13/02/2011 19:02

For the ones on this thread that think affairs are ok I hope one day you will experience the hurt and devastation that affairs bring to the wife/partner, children and immediate family. Going through the aftermath of an affair where H has left for OW has been the hardest thing in my life that I have had to cope with and I have not had the easiest of last 15 years. But this has taken me to the edge of ending my life!

So sorry OP you wont get any sympathy from me.

Original poster

onethatgotaway · 13/02/2011 19:08

I'm sorry romneymarsh that your life has been devastated by an your H's affair. You have my sympathy so please don't throw it back in my face. I would never wish anyone to reach the brink of suicide, I hope you are not still feeling that way.

OP posts:

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