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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh no not another affair story- dire warning

105 replies

onethatgotaway · 13/02/2011 12:44

It has been 2 days since I received this txt:

You won't like this but my guilt has become uncontrollable to the extent where I can't look my W in the eye. For the sake of my marriage this will be my last contact to you. Only other thing I can say is sorry x

I haven't slept, feel sick and full of self loathing for getting myself into this whole sorry situation which has been going on/off for 6 months. I know this is finally it now, I will never hear from him again and it is breaking my heart.

I don't want or expect sympathy, just PLEASE PLEASE even if you are remotely tempted one tiny little bit to start an affair, thinking it will just be a bit of harmless fun, it will cause you so much pain and grief you will wish you'd never laid eyes on your OM/OW and if only you could turn back the clocks etc, etc. It is NEVER worth it, it will always end in tears, invariably for everyone involved, and it will wreck your life. Things will never be the same again.

If you think that sounds fun and tempting, think again and take this as a warning.

OP posts:
gettingeasier · 13/02/2011 19:10

"I never wanted to mess up my happy, secure and so-called idyllic lifestyle "

So did someone put a gun to your head then ?

So what if someone you know is an adulterer too ? What difference does that make lots of people behave in that way ?

I think given your post you have got off lightly from the responses and no I have no sympathy for you either

Serendippy · 13/02/2011 19:11

onethatgotaway Sun 13-Feb-11 14:27:53
veryconfused - it was totally shitty to dump me like that, no explanation, nothing,

onethatgotaway Sun 13-Feb-11 14:55:58
What I was trying to say is that EVERYONE directly and indirectly involved gets hurt, whether or not they know about it. Wives and husbands and families get neglected, even if it is unintentional.

OP, I think these are the kind of statements that are making people think that you are not as remorseful as you make out. He DID give you a reason for dumping you, the guilt was too much, which it clearly wasn't for you. You DID intentionally neglect your family. When you give over part of your life to another and have to keep it a secret, you KNOW you will not have time for everyone.

Nobody can really know why you chose to have an affair. I agree with SarahStratton that you do not choose who you fall in love with, but you do choose to live a secret life with them, and it must be an active choice as an illicit affair must be hard work, all those meetings and travel plans to fabricate. People haven't judged you on the whole for the fact you had an affair, but for the fact that you are not sorry, just pissed off that he ended it first. Your warning is a plea for sympathy and if it had been honestly worded as such, you may have had a different response. However you show no remorse and this makes it difficult for people to give support.

SarahStrattonHasNiceBears · 13/02/2011 19:12

My XH left me after an affair. I was left with 2 small children and a huge mortgage on a virtually unsaleable house. Yet I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone.

slipperandpjsmum · 13/02/2011 19:30

If you feel truly sorry are you going to tell your OH what you have done and face up to the consequences?

There are plenty of women posting on here whos partners have cheated on them and are trying to get through each day consumed by the pain it has caused them. I will reserve my sympathy for them!!

spidookly · 13/02/2011 19:48

You don't need to feel sorry for his wife.

He chose her over you. He chose her over his last wife.

Looks like you don't even make the grade for a serial adulterer.

How embarrassing.

MakeYerOwnDamnDinner · 13/02/2011 20:00

Oh for goodness sake. The amount of self righteousness and bitter projection on this thread is unbelievable.

Everyone knows infidelity can cause pain and devastation. No-one thinks that is a good thing.

But it is not a crime to fall in love with someone else. It happens. It happens to all sorts of people, including good, decent, moral people.

Good lord there are worse 'crimes.' The OP had an affair - she did not commit genocide.

Northernlurker · 13/02/2011 20:03

I agree. There are some horrible, horrible posts on this thread. I fail to see why people don't just keep such nasty opinions to themselves.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 13/02/2011 20:05

Yes, the OP fell in love. That didn't mean that she had to have an affair, she didn't have to act on those feelings. We as human beings, not animals, are supposed to be civilised enough to control our feelings/impulses.

Another one with no sympathy here and for the record I haven't, to my knowledge, being cheated on.

spidookly · 13/02/2011 20:06

Self-righteousness like this:

"Also FYI, he met his DW while he was still married to his first wife and they had an affair, so she is not holier than thou either. "

"it was totally shitty to dump me like that, no explanation, nothing"

?

I agree. Totally nauseating.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 13/02/2011 20:17

Actually, posters who genuinely regret their infidelity or who are conflicted about what to do, are treated with empathy and understanding by the majority of posters on here. I have consistently said that good people have affairs and have personally helped numerous posters who are going through this crisis.

However, there is a discernible difference when a poster starts a thread and it quickly emerges that her primary regret is that the affair is over. That if the OM hadn't ended the affair, it would still be ongoing. It is therefore not surprising when respondents react badly to that, especially when so many people have been on the receiving end of this very behaviour.

Sarah that is misguided nonsense. Your H's affair might have been rooted in marital unhappiness, but affairs happen for a myriad of reasons and not just marital discord. In many cases, they happen because of unhappiness with an entirely different aspect of life (especially mid-life) and often because people experience a simple crush and cannot recognise it as that, confusing it with real love. There are so many different types of affairs and to allege that they all have the same root cause, is ridiculous.

People in happy marriages do have affairs, just as people in unhappy marriages do not.

OP, you haven't said why you think this happened to you and it's possible you need some distance from it, to know for sure. What I would advise you to do is to reject the societal discourse that when women have affairs, it must be because something is drastically wrong with their relationship, because that very often isn't true.

It is an even more powerful discourse than the myth that men only have affairs when they are unhappy at home. I hope you have a good memory for the true state of your marriage before you embarked upon your affair, because you are at least self-aware enough to observe that you started erroneously blaming your H and engineering rows, once you started your affair.

howtodothis · 13/02/2011 21:03

Stop taking it out on the OP...she hasn't committed a crime and whatever happened in your own marriages is not her fault!!

spidookly · 13/02/2011 21:10

The only people talking about it being a crime are people who think nobody should criticise anyone other than criminals.

Shagging someone else's husband, betraying your own, and neglecting your children isn't illegal, but that hardly puts it beyond reproach.

howtodothis · 13/02/2011 21:14

did she actually neglect her children any more than say being on mumsnet?
And people are not possessions...they make choices according to their personalities and circumstances.

LittleHouseByTheRiver · 13/02/2011 21:19

onethat I'm not throwing brickbats at you either. I got caught up in an affair 2 years ago and like you I would previously have scorned anyone who acted like I have done.

He ended it due to guilt and has not contacted me for 18 months. I hope his marriage is back on track.

I went to counselling and took a long hard look at myself. I didn't like what I saw. Since then I have been to therapy sessions for 18 months, told my DH what happened and been to Relate with him. I decided to separate to live by myself and I still can't look at myself in the mirror without shame.

For me it was a wake up call that has made me work very hard on everything that was wrong. I regret all of it but I do believe that I needed to address my problems and the affair forced me to do so.

Be strong. You can make things better.

Sassybeast · 13/02/2011 21:25

Howtodothis - how the hell do YOU know whose husband the OP has been shagging ? If it was YOUR husband, would you be quite so dismissive?

YourMajesty · 13/02/2011 21:28

onethatgotaway You're only sorry because he has ended it. If he texts you tomorrow and says he can't be without you in his life, after all, you will resume your affair.

It's your life and entirely up to you what you do with it, but please don't pretend that this is a warning to all women out there, as, sure as the Pope's catholic, you won't be heeding your own warning if he changes his mind.

howtodothis · 13/02/2011 21:33

still..its the husband who is responsible to his own wife and family and the OP to her own husband and family...presuming you all agree that men also can make choices ?
or are they only led astray by evil women of ill repute?
This is 2011 btw

Sassybeast · 13/02/2011 21:41

And I'll ask you again - if the OP had been shagging YOUR husband, would your reaction to her be the same ?

Serendippy · 13/02/2011 21:41

howtodothis I don't think anyone has mentioned that the OM takes no blame. It is that the OP has had an affair, is not sorry, would recommence it tomorrow given half the chance and therefore is not on a moral high ground to be giving 'advice'. The OM is also a cheating, lying, neglectful person.

howtodothis · 13/02/2011 21:57

Sassy...definitely...the responsibility is to your spouse..its not behaviour to be proud of ,being the OW but it doesn't warrant the vitriol and bullying shown here. The infidelity starts with the man willing to be unfaithful,after all he took the vows.

howtodothis · 13/02/2011 21:59

And of course the OP willing to be unfaithful....and betraying her own husband...but we don't really know the full story so can't judge

SueWhite · 13/02/2011 22:06

I thought you were making it up because it was all 'Look how bad I am, look how terrible everything is' rather than being more human/constructive and wanting advice on what to do next.

I don't really see what there is to talk about. You had an affair and now it's over. No one knows. So just get on with it. It was only 6 months, you've probably got another 30-40 years in this family so you can make it back.

Of course people are going to criticise you if they've been cheated on. It's called projection, but their opinions aren't really relevant to you. Loads of people have affairs and never get found out. It's not always like a soap opera.

There was a reason why you had an affair, so try to work out what it was and try to fix it. Don't wallow, be constructive.

And don't tell anyone.

RubyPink · 13/02/2011 23:58

Well said Tadpoles and MYODDinner. There is so much 'expert' analysis on this site about affairs and people who have them, generally by posters who have been cheated on and have an axe to grind. The fact is... if people are in genuinely happy marriages then they won't stray, why would they? An affair means something is missing, various needs are going unmet, they married the wrong person or whatever, there is something wrong

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 14/02/2011 00:09

That might be your excuse Ruby but fortunately, there are several brave posters on here who have had affairs and have the courage and insight to admit that there was absolutely nothing wrong with their marriages, but for a time, there was something wrong with them. Are you telling them that they are deluded and lying, then?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/02/2011 00:10

Sorry OP, your post is really quite self-indulgent. Since when has any 'other woman' learned from the mistake of any previous ones? Since when has a potential 'OW' heeded any advice from an existing one?

You're lecturing and giving misplaced advice and whilst you don't exactly sound 'proud', your focus on your own 'hurt' diminishes your post considerably.

We can't help who we fall in love with... but we can certainly help whether we act on those feelings or not.