The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Carry On Past the Valentine's Wining and Dining

[notevenamousie]

Following on from jesuswhatnext and her original very successful thread and all the many others here , this is the Brave Babes Battle Bus, sharing struggles, thoughts, experience, strength and hope concerning life but more specifically our relationship with, and our journey through, cutting down or cutting out alcohol.

There is no judging or nastiness, just support for whatever works, and if we fall out of the bus we are always welcomed back on when we are ready with open arms and listening ears.

I'm notevenamousie and I'm an alcoholic. I abused and was dependent on alcohol for months if not even a couple of years. I feel a hundred times better physically, emotionally, spiritually, since giving in the fight with alcohol, admitting I had lost, and walking away, but it's very much one day at a time.

If you are a long time lurker, why not make this thread the one you jump in and say hello!

Hi
You really are a wonderful bunch of individuals. It amazes me how sensitive to other peoples needs you all are. Your replies have really inspired me. I can get a bit negative left to my own devices! But yes your right Spring IS round the corner, Snowdrops, Daffodils, Crocus's, hysterical twittering birds. The clocks change in a few weeks. Maybe I'll treat myself to a bunch of flowers and a new lippy!! It's all going on, if you care to see it, is what i'm thinking, I just needed you lot to point that out xx Thank you xx

Warning - long post coming up. I have had a Road to Damascus moment! First the confession - last night I drank, Day 8 and I drank. I had one glass, wasn't really enjoying it, had another, still wasn't enjoying it so binned it, did the Drill and was in bed slightly bewildered by 9pm. Awake from 3am-5am I turned myself into MIFLAW (which was terribly scary) and asked myself two questions: "what made me pick up the first glass tonight?" and "What made me stop after the second?". There is a pattern - when I gain any success in things like getting fit, losing weight, stopping drinking I begin to see progress, changes happening and then I lapse. I decided in the wee small hours it's because I am afraid to admit that i can be in control and successful and change things. it is far easier to be a victim of circumstance and be unhealthy and fat and drunk because "that's all I'm worth". And hand in hand with this, goes the fact that if I accept I can be in control and change things, then I have to face the elephant in the sitting room and deal with the misery that is my marriage, which I now accept is the root of most of my unhappiness.
So...trying to cut this short..when DH did his usual after several days of not even speaking to me and wanted sex, (sorry TMI. this is s BIG issue for us) i had the choice to do my usual which is endure it for the sake of patching things up (ie papering over the cracks) or to stop being a victim. So i very calmly took his face in my hands and said "i am not doing this any more. You haven't spoken to me for days and now you want this. We have to communicate better or call it a day"
A little later, there was more about his birthday tomorrow and him not wanting to do anything because "things are crap" and again I was calm and said "then we need to fix them, or not, as you wish" (I refrained from adding that I couldn't give a flying fuck either way )
So Babes, sorry about all that but even though i fell by the wayside last night - Indie I am so sorry and feel bad I let you down. You go girl! - I feel I have had a real breakthrough and turned a corner one way or another. And because I feel ball-breakingly tough, i am NOT going back to Day 1. I am going to have a groundhog day and call today Day 8 (again). I know it's cheating but does anyone want to argue with me??
For today, i am not dementedma, I am determinedma
Thanks for listening.

What an amazing post, ma. Good for you. I know exactly what you mean about not doing things that are good for you because you feel you're not worth it.

Sounds as though you've turned a very significant corner

Thanks for all your encouraging replies
The wine is out the house, my DH is coming home early so we can talk, and I have booked an initial session with a counsellor - whoop whoop!

That's a fab post ma. Hope that the realisation that you can change things, and that you deserve more, sticks with you for a long time to come

day 4

ma! im very bloody proud to know you! thank you for being here, for being strong and marvelous and thank you for being YOU!

Ma - you are wonderful. Well done for remaining calm and taking control of the situation. It would have been so easy to just blow up in his face.

YOU TOOK CONTROL!! YOU TOOK CONTROL

Now, where do you go from here? What has he said to you since?

Hello Ellie

hasn't said anything since as has been at work all day and not home until very late. but has phoned twice on unrelated issues, so i suppose communicating.
interesting times ahead.
ellie welcome to the mad nice bus.
Indie keep at it my girl, I'm still with you. You inspire me

My goal is to rein it in and never EVER wake again with a hangover or thinking I have drunk too much. So far, just, so good. And yes I am sleeping WONDERFULLY.

Hangovers SUCK!!!!!!!!

I don't miss them and actually didn't realise just how often I had one, until I didn't.

Off to bed Babes. Stay strong xx

I drank. My DD is at my aunt's again. I have let my aunt, my mum, and my daughter down. I want to die. I want the hangover to end. I think SS might take DD. I am terrified. I can't ever remember being so frightened.

Day 5 . Wobbled. Off for a run to clear cobwebs

notevenamousie . I'm new at this so I don't know what to say, but I'm thinking of you... Hope you manage to feel a little better soon.

I told my husband EVERYTHING last night. He was really shocked when he realised just how much I've been drinking, and has promised to support me with whatever I want to do about it. He really is fanstastic. I was going to write that I don't deserve him, but actually that's not necessarily true. I just need to be a lot more considerate and respectful of him, and I think not drinking will go a long way towards sorting that out.

Day 2 here we come. Hope you have a good day everyone .

noteven are you ok? come back and talk to us.

noteven poor you, we are here, it's going to be ok, it's going to be fine, can you speak to your sponsor today. Am here thinking of you. Sending you all strength and brightness. You need sleep and tea and toast and more sleep and be gentle on yourself.

I am thinking of you and so sorry that this has happened. You have a great future and it's going to be ok and you are bounty to learn to love yourself and value yourself so that you won't harm yourself ever again like this.

And you are a great mother. Ss will not take your dd away

Bounty I mean grow i think? Ruddy iPad

noteven we are all thinking of you. hang in there
sending hope and strength
TWDA back on track girl, you can do this!
ellie glad the support is there for you.

Sorry, quick word, in and out (story of my life )

noteven I was very upset to read your post, and can imagine how low you feel. But, you have picked yourself up from this before, and you can do it again. I think it takes a while and some slip ups to make us realise that we really do want to put an end to the anguish about drink. Sending you love.

Ellieorollie it is fab when your DH is supportive, I felt such relief when I told DH the full extent.

Isindie you cracker, well done, think I will move to Liverpool now I know I can shop in my PJ's .

Mouse honeybunny, I hope you are having a good weekend, and that Nemo is well. The sun is out here, Spring is on it's way, I bet better weather will help the respiratory probs.

DH and myself are still acting a bit like housemates instead of soulmates, but we are both concious of the fact, and trying to do something about it. It certainly helps when I don't have a hangover of a weekend morning.
Right, off to put roast lamb in the oven, and try to do some college work. DH and Dc on a bike ride!

Hmm, more of a long slow one, rather than a quick in and out, just what I'm after ....with regard to posts of course

Hi everyone,
Thank you for the kindness and concern and PMs. I am going to a lunchtime meeting - my aunt is taking me - I hope I will get a bit of hope, because I feel so ill and in so much pain. I have no doubt that I am an alcoholic and drinking on this worry has made everything worse. It's sunny and springy outside and here am I, with the killer hangover and my daughter isn't here with me. My uncle is going to ring Social Services - I understand why, but I am truly terrified.

noteven :( I feel your pain and truly understand how you feel. I hope you get some comfort at the meeting, and if there's anything I can do at all to help let me know.