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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please - confrontation looming with my parents

487 replies

imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 07/02/2011 20:20

In summary. They favour my brother's elder daughter have done for years.

But it was her birthday recently. My kids get £10 in an envelope, DD2 got a home made dolls house.

Neice got an Ipod Touch from them.

I am going to have to speak to them - my two are gutted. (DN has been crowing by email to DD1)

Help me frame the conversation so it doesn't descend into a shouting match?

OP posts:
Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 17:03

Oh you lot are great for the confidence!

I just have to remember it isn't me.

I've tried for years even this time I was trying because I thought I could make it different.

But it's up to them. It's how they treat me that's the problem, not my reaction to it iyswim?

Supercusty that's rotten Sad

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Moosemummy · 12/02/2011 17:08

Stay strong Frogs, you have had nearly a full day of not dancing to their tune. Well done. We will all be here to Support you if you get any more shit flung at you, but you have taken the high ground now, and it is hard for them to throw shit upwards without it falling back on their heads ( a bit of a tortured metaphor, but you know what I mean?)

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 17:10

Moose I know exactly what you mean lol

On the plus side, the kids are delighted.

Mcd for lunch. And pizza for tea. Slack mother emoticon lmao

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thumbdabwitch · 12/02/2011 17:13

Madas, have you asked your DDs how they feel about seeing/not seeing their grandparents? Might be worth checking...

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 17:15

Dd1 just said "meh"

She's 12

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thumbdabwitch · 12/02/2011 17:19

My how they learn these phrases young these days! Grin

DS said "oh My God" to me this evening when I wanted to get him ready for bed - he's 3.

Well that's good - so if your DDs aren't bothered about seeing them, you don't want to see them - job done! No one needs to see them!

Moosemummy · 12/02/2011 17:20

Lets all not see them together and then they will become invisible and disappear

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 17:24

Moose - up their own arseholes?

Lmao

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KangarooCaught · 12/02/2011 17:29

Am impressed by how you're dealing with this Frogs, from what they say, dds don't sound too distraught either at the prospect of not having their unworthiness thrust in their faces. Am liking the sound of your BF too & his hitherto unseen pissed off side!

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 17:43

He says if I'd stayed I would have been exposing myself and my children to degradation and that is just wrong

He also said that I should've told him before what they were like.

And that they will never be allowed to speak to me like that again.

And more :)

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 12/02/2011 17:45

Madas, honey, you know what you are going to have to do, don't you?

Now that your DD has noticed, and has worked it all out for herself, to protect her self esteem and that of her sister, you are going to have to go No Contact.

They don't deserve you, they don't deserve your DDs. By the sounds of it, your upbringing was not a matter of favouritism, it was actually abuse. The force feeding, the naming thing and this disgusting treatment of your DDs in comparison to your DN.

Please check yourself onto the Stately Homes thread here and they will help support you breaking the ties.

Switch your phone OFF, go out with the BF tomorrow and carry on with your life as you mean to go on.

Enough is enough.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 17:46

If they want to speak to me in future they will have to deal with him first.

And if I don't want them to speak to me then he will make sure they don't.

Stuff like that

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marriednotdead · 12/02/2011 17:49

Hi frogs, I've been lurking but had to post now. You are behaving in the best possible way by cutting them off, and I am delighted that you are finding inner strength.

The family that matters will totally support you, and I'm hoping the BF will become part of that

Leave the toxic family to poison themselves into oblivion. They will only miss you in the way a bully misses a victim. Their loss.

You sound amazing Smile

LittleMissHissyFit · 12/02/2011 18:02

Honey, with all due respects, this is a BF, not a minder.

This is between YOU and THEM. It's unfair to put this onto him somehow, and not meaning anything at all by it, but what if you and him don't work out? Will they then be able to have free access to you as he is not on the scene.

As hard as it is, YOU have to set YOUR boundaries and YOU have to keep them.

I know why you say what you are saying, and I know it's hard to go the whole way, but you have to, there is not going to a way to remove the favoritism/neglect issues from this relationship.

If you only allow them 5 minutes, they will manage to cram the cruelty into that 5 minutes.

This is something you have to do yourself, for yourself and for your girls. This is a stand you must take for you, no-one can do it for you.

TechnoKitten · 12/02/2011 18:05

Good morning! Hope you had a better day without them around.

[tea] time. Hang in there, you are doing amazingly. Loving the food choices (McD followed by pizza, my boys would be in heaven!). Enjoy spoiling yourselves for a little, you deserve it.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 18:08

Oh I'm not putting it on to bf at all

I can deal with it on my own. I have to. But it's nice that he wants to stand up for me.

I've never had that and it feels a bit weird lol

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missmehalia · 12/02/2011 18:30

He sounds lovely. When the time is right, introduce him to some of your fab friends so that he can see you know how to include normality in your life. Grin Make sure you get a social life as a couple, it will help support your relationship in the way that a decent family would, and it also avoids the scenario where you spend loads of nights in brooding/chatting over Where It All Went Wrong With The 'Rents.

KangarooCaught · 12/02/2011 18:31

It's warming & strengthening to feel supported in your choices & to have someone outraged on your behalf...us & the BF.

Your upbringing does sound emotionally damaging and am glad as an adult you are able to do what you weren't able to do as a child and act to protect yourself. It's good too that your dds have you guarding their self-esteem, as by being an extension of you your MIL has included them in her bile which is just so Sad I agree with LMHF about not letting them into your lives at all because they'll be looking for a small chink for their poison to seep through.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 18:47

I really really like him.

I want it the relationship to have legs and work - and I think him moving down the road a bit and not being so far away all the time is a step forward.

But I'm scared at the same time - scared of how the kids will react, scared of how he and me will be when we're living a slightly more normal life, scared of what XH will do when he finds out, scared of what The Family will do.

OP posts:
KangarooCaught · 12/02/2011 18:58

sorry, not MIL but mother

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 19:02

Kangaroo - I didn't even notice Blush

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KangarooCaught · 12/02/2011 19:28

that's because you were extolling the virtues of bf Grin

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 19:31

The dubious charms you mean Grin

It's all just so damn complicated

Kids are now watching a DVD with popcorn

They think all their Christmases have come at once.

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MigratingCoconuts · 12/02/2011 20:10

wow! Just caught up!. Nothing especially earth shattering to add though. Just that i do think you are amazing and your children are very lucky to have your support...in the way your dad should have been there for you.

I am marking my place to find out what happens next and also to say that we (bunch of cyber strangers) are here for you if you need support after the birthday no-show.

Good on you! Wine cheers!

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 20:13

Awh thank you all it is much appreciated - honestly yet again MN is just the best.

BF is getting ready to leave and will be here in the morning. I cannot wait to see him but I'm crapping myself. What if the girls don't like him? What if he doesn't like them?

Told the girls today I had a bloke I was kind of dating who wanted to meet them. They want to show him some game on their ipods that involves making the biggest skid mark on toilet paper. Poor bloke Grin

(Trying to keep mind off the fact that there has been no contact from parents or DBs all day and it's almost 8.15pm)

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