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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please - confrontation looming with my parents

487 replies

imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 07/02/2011 20:20

In summary. They favour my brother's elder daughter have done for years.

But it was her birthday recently. My kids get £10 in an envelope, DD2 got a home made dolls house.

Neice got an Ipod Touch from them.

I am going to have to speak to them - my two are gutted. (DN has been crowing by email to DD1)

Help me frame the conversation so it doesn't descend into a shouting match?

OP posts:
Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 10:38

Thanks Attila - will look at both the thread and the book

OP posts:
thefentiger · 12/02/2011 11:11

My P were like this -control is at the heart of this .Pull you in and they put you down/push you and your DC away.(the present situation is typical)
Take back the control- I realised that I had to put my family first and not allowing my DC to be in a situation where their GP were ranting and raving at me was the start.

You sound like a lovely mum and person- they sound vile tbh.

Put your DC first-cut back on contact.
If they ask why you can tell them you do not wish your DC to be subject to DB behaviour.

They will probably try to minimize his behaviour by the way or blame you.Stand firm and use/repeat simple facts ie -DB behaviour was inappropriate .
Good luck OP

Cookie26 · 12/02/2011 11:14

I honestly can't believe any of what you've written Madas, it beggars belief. All I want to say is you came into this world as a fighter - you weren't supposed to live yet you did. You hung in there and survived. You'll get passed this with your head held high. Really hope this works out for you. Stay strong x

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 11:15

Oh you lot are so wise.

They will blame me. They already are - I was over reacting last night.

I was shaking with rage you are so angry why are you losing your temper like this.

I wasn't losing my fucking temper I was shaking trying to keep it in fucking check.

GRRRRRRR

Heading out now with DD's to go to McDonalds (bad mother alert)

But I will be back later and I do really really appreciate the support

OP posts:
Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 11:16

Cookie - it's the weeds are the hardest to kill Grin Wink

Getting a bit more on an evenkeel - I don't normal lose it like I did last night - normally I can deal with shit much better but I just couldn't cope last night or this morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 11:21

I'm just waiting to hear from my BF when he will be here tomorrow - I think in the morning and he's here for a week.

So he will definitely meet the girls, and all I need to do with regard to parents et al is keep my head down for the next 24 hours or so and then he'll be here to stand up for me maybe.

OP posts:
Xales · 12/02/2011 11:29

OMG! a McD's! you really are a terrible mother! The worst possible, do you let them have fruit shoots too? - um get me a big mac please.....

Ok to be serious. Expect things to get a lot worse before they get better.

As far as they are concerned they are not wrong. They can treat you like shit and scum but they are not wrong. They are going to bully, abuse and insult you to try and get you back into meek little victim mode. They may even start going on about grandparents rights and threaten you with taking you to court.

Keep a diary/note book and write down everything they do for your sanity and just in case they try something really twatish.

You need to stay really strong. Do not get into arguments with them, walk away, put down the phone. You don't have to listen to or accept any of their crap.

Remember if you give in after a week of hell they will know next time they will just have to give you a week of hell again and you will cave in. Just like children when they have tantrums or whing and nag.

Good luck it is really hard to step back from family you always hope they will turn around, see the light and love you unconditionally.

brass · 12/02/2011 11:29

wow just caught up with it OP!

So sorry about what happened. The others are right. Do stay away. Don't engage. They won't change.

As far as DP is concerned, don't let this situation cloud what you may have with him. It may be tempting to throw him in the middle but is it really anything to do with the relationship you have had with him so far? Yes, you need his support but don't let it dominate your time together or the speed at which he becomes part of your DDs lives.

Put them in the background and concentrate on building your future (which you sound like you are doing admirably already).

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 11:31

XHales - that is very wise advice

I know it sounds stupid but I want my BF here because they won't pull half the crap if he's here.

I have turned my life around completely and I am not taking this crap from anyone.

BTW fwiw I'm doing a law degree Grin

OP posts:
HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 12/02/2011 13:43

Well done on taking a stance and detaching yourself from these toxic people :) Sending you strength x

thumbdabwitch · 12/02/2011 13:53

well at least you're well placed to tell them where to stick it if they threaten you with any kind of legal action over "grandparents' rights" then.

Hope you've gone out by now :)

brass · 12/02/2011 15:06

Just to clarify, when I said 'put them in the background' I meant your family, not your DDs meeting your DP.

I didn't get an ideal outcome from my MIL but having it out in the open means she knows how much I will tolerate and what I think about it so she is more likely to walk on eggshells instead of bulldozing everyone like she is used to doing.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 15:14

Well I'm just in for a few minutes putting groceries away and heading out again to get DD2 in about 10 minutes.

I actually feel much better - my headache is lessening although I am still very tired.

Not one of them has phoned or texted all day and it's now after 3.

The (tentative) plan was that I was to go over for dinner tomorrow for mum's birthday and bring the cake, but obviously that is up the swanee now.

I have no idea what time to be there, and I've been told not to come back so at this point me and the DD's will be picking up BF and heading out for the day.

Whereupon the shit will hit the fan even more I am sure because oh it's mums birthday and you're upsetting her etc etc etc

DILLIGAF??

OP posts:
purpleknittingmum · 12/02/2011 15:42

Glad you are feeling a bit better

If the shit hits the fan about you not being there surely you can just say that it was made very clear to you to not bother being there?

thumbdabwitch · 12/02/2011 16:22

Excellent use of the DILLIGAF!

Yes absolutely what PKM said - you were told in no uncertain terms not to bother coming back - since that also suits you, you have no problem complying.

They can rant and storm and do whatever they like - but what they CAN'T do is actually make you do what they say. Only you can choose to give in to their crap, and I hope you choose not to.

Shame about the cake - but no doubt they would have been rude about that in some way, and I'm sure you and your DDs and BF won't let it go to waste!

Really, do not get involved in this "family" dinner. It would be interesting to see who will assume the mantle of scapegoat when you are not there, but as you won't be there, you won't find out. Unless you are on decent terms with your other brother and his GF and they tell you later (I'd put money on your other brother's GF being next in line... or possibly the vile brother's wife, since she's already stood up to the vicious old trout your mother)

Have a lovely day with your DDs and BF - I'm assuming they haven't met him yet, hence the whole "this isn't quite how I wanted them to meet but hey ho, needs must" sort of thing? I hope they take to him and you really do have a good day. Switch your phone off when you go - after all, you don't need to be contactable, do you? Everyone you need to know where they are will be with you. :)

Xales · 12/02/2011 16:26

The shit is going to hit the fan whenever you stand your ground.

If it is not about your mum's birthday, it will be your dad's birthday, your brother's birthday, the neighbour's goldfish's birthday.....

You have to bite the bullet hard and just ride it out.

As some one else said make it hard and fast like gangareen.

Hugs

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 16:29

Just back from picking up DD2.

Out of the mouths of babes. She's 9.

She asked were we going to granny's tomorrow. I said I didn't know because of the row.

She said

"I didn't like when they gave DN the ipod and I wish I could say to granny that's not fair but she would be angry coz DN1 and DN2 are her favourites. But that's coz uncle X is her favourite so they're her favourites because they're his"

I said "oh, how do you work that out?"

"well, look at how different she treats them to me and DD1 and anyway you can see it in her face when she looks at him. She looks different"

OP posts:
Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 16:31

DD's haven't met BF yet.

Because BF works away so much it's been all part time and nice hotels and odd weekends - now it's getting real and boy has he picked the weekend to arrive lol

He won't be mrinaboxi'llseeyouwhenitsuitsme. He'll be just down the road and I'll be seeing more of him. Which is a good thing.

As someone said up the thread, this is a good test of how we'll get on - his reaction to this, I mean.

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 12/02/2011 16:37

Gee, you mean your daughter isn't stupid?! I'm shocked! Grin

thumbdabwitch · 12/02/2011 16:39

Well that's a good enough reason to stay away from your mother and family then - no point in exposing your DDs to this second-class-citizen behaviour. They don't like it, they do recognise it - let it stop (unless they really want to see the old bag)

purpleknittingmum · 12/02/2011 16:40

whispers what is DILLIGAF??! I have worked out the last bit but my brain isn't working for the first bit! Oh! Actually just got it!! :o

Definitely turn your phone off! And if they leave any voice messages don't bother to listen to them! I do that with my husbands messages sometimes if I know it is a horrible one!!

Very observant daughter! Would be good to point that out to them one time if you get the chance!

missmehalia · 12/02/2011 16:45

Haven't seen all this before, just read it. Blimey, frogs! some of your relations sound like they're straight out of Shameless. Or JKyle. I'm utterly in awe of the way you've made a fab life for yourself DESPITE what they've put you through. The fact that you've turned the other cheek for so long is a sign of character strength, not weakness. They're looking for a fight. Anyone will probably do. Sounds like no matter what you say, it would make no difference. If you do speak up, do it for you. Best not to expect too much. Of course it'd be great if they saw the light, but you can't change them. You can only change yourself and how you view it all.

I'd love to lock them all in a room together... in the end, there'd only be one of 'em left.

What a shame about it all. So pleased you've got a lovely BF coming to stay and keep you company. You're obviously a smart cookie, with a DD who has just the same degree of intelligence you do. Maybe all your family feel threatened by you?! Smile

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 12/02/2011 16:55

God help them if they as much as breathe on me the wrong way when bf is here

He is fuming. I have never ever seen him like this.

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 12/02/2011 16:57

That's exactly how he should be, Frogs. Let him protect you!

Tortington · 12/02/2011 16:59

MY children dont have time for their grandparents - becuase they never showed anyting much for them.

this xmas my three got a small box of celebrations

her youngest son has re-married, the step daughter got a brand new hairdryer and nail art set.

i've had over 20 years of their unfair treatment towards my children - and im over it

wishing you luck