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Original poster

Advice please - confrontation looming with my parents

487 replies

imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 07/02/2011 20:20

In summary. They favour my brother's elder daughter have done for years.

But it was her birthday recently. My kids get £10 in an envelope, DD2 got a home made dolls house.

Neice got an Ipod Touch from them.

I am going to have to speak to them - my two are gutted. (DN has been crowing by email to DD1)

Help me frame the conversation so it doesn't descend into a shouting match?

OP posts:
thumbdabwitch · 13/02/2011 11:45

For the love of Mike. I know who you are now! Lovely house, wow.

Really really STOP caring about your "family"! if they want to play stupid arses with you, that's their look out - yours is to have a lovely time with your lovely DP when he turns up and let him look after you and your DDs. Remember - THEY will be the losers. THEY are the ones who have chosen to behave like this to you for NO GOOD REASON - sod 'em!

MigratingCoconuts · 13/02/2011 11:49

Here, you only have to be as up front as you want to be... that is the point of it really. No worries!

Xales · 13/02/2011 11:49

Yup exactly.

They will show their true colours then.

Taunt you about how you could only get a man by 'paying' him to live with you.

vintageteacups · 13/02/2011 11:52

Could they have given her £10 too and then it was topped up ( a lot) by other birthday money?

Or perhaps they won it in a comp and gave it to her?

swallowedAfly · 13/02/2011 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

thumbdabwitch · 13/02/2011 11:56

Could I just point out that, having xposted quite a bit, when I said your "family" would be the losers I meant entirely that they would be losing out on having you and your DDs in their life, nothing at all to do with your DP or his money. It just looks a tad odd with all the xposts, sorry!

NadiaWadia · 13/02/2011 12:02

Clicked on the link. Your BF is buying that? Wow !!!

If your 'family' do start to pester you, did you know there is a BT service called 'choose to refuse' where you can get up to 10 numbers, including mobiles, but not overseas numbers, blocked from calling you. Then they wouldn't be able to leave a message, even. Takes about 3 days to set up though, first month is free.

In your position, I'd cut off all contact. Your parents and DB1 are not a normal loving and supportive family and what they bring to you and your DCs is purely negative. I know its very sad, but that's the way it is. It's no good thinking they are going to apologise and realise what they've done, because they are incapable of this - they're toxic, there's something missing in their minds.

Focus on being proud that you are a good and normal person despite them, and you have brought up some wonderful DCs. They (and BF!) are your family now.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 13/02/2011 12:46

I just would like to know why they do this, but I suspect I never will get an answer to that one
Sad

OP posts:
Xales · 13/02/2011 12:50

Because they can.

Because you let them.

thumbdabwitch · 13/02/2011 12:51

Read the book that AttilatheMeerkat suggested - it might give you some clues.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 13/02/2011 12:56

Yeah the book's ordered off amazon.

he's on his way - here in about 6 hours.

Grin
OP posts:
thumbdabwitch · 13/02/2011 13:00

Just in time for dinner, hey? Fantastic! What are you having?

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 13/02/2011 13:01

Dunno - we might go out but I can't really be arsed lol

OP posts:
Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 13/02/2011 13:02

He's already left, I'm allowing time to pick up a car and get up here iyswim?

He calls my car the dustbin on wheels Grin

I should really go meet him off the plane and make him get in it Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 13/02/2011 13:04

And I just thought of another couple of things.

First off, since my sil knows and disagrees with the whole ipod thing, and is cross about her daughter being treated less than DN1, is there any chance she might have said something?

Secondly, does this mean I can be bottyburp again, since I've comprehensively outed myself?

Grin
OP posts:
thumbdabwitch · 13/02/2011 13:07

go for it, why not? although i do quite like your madasaboxoffrogs persona, even if I keep ignoring the first 3 words of it. Wink

My friend used to call my car "dustbin on wheels" as well - confused the hell out of me when I was driving with her once and she referred to it as such, I was looking all over to see this dustbin on wheels, as I hadn't twigged she was referring to my car!

LisasCat · 13/02/2011 13:08

Any contact he has with your family will take place in your house, until they either realise what fuckwits they're being and sort themselves out or you finally tell them where to go. There's absolutely no reason why they would ever visit you and DP at his house unless they made him feel welcome and like part of the family. And if the way they treat you is 'making someone feel like part of the family' they're unlikely to get an invite.

Your children are your family, and maybe in time DP will be too. But the DCs are more than enough to be the loving unit you deserve. The others really do need to earn their role, and it sounds like only the nice brother and his GF would earn it.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 13/02/2011 13:10

That saddens me too - contact with DB2 is going to be so difficult.

I have to do this - after all parents and brothers lived away for almost 20 years and I can do it without them - I don't need them.

Thats a part of it for mother too - she keeps asking to be more involved in my life, and saying I should ask for more help but I've set myself up not to need it and I wouldn't ask because she'd use it against me somehow

OP posts:
thumbdabwitch · 13/02/2011 13:12

But why will contact with your DB2 be difficult? has he been known to "side with" the others previously? Is he not his own man? Does he not live separately from the mother and toxic brother? Surely he can stay in touch with you of his own volition without having to "clear" it with them?

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 13/02/2011 13:13

Isuppose. it's just going to be the elephant in the rooom I suppose

AIBU to think I might take a skivy day off uni tomorrow and spend it with DP?

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 13/02/2011 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

thumbdabwitch · 13/02/2011 13:30

Oh definitely take a skivy day off and spend St. Val's day with your lovely man! do it, do it!

Iswym re. the elephant in the room - but unless he is a splintery-arsed fencesitter, surely it would come up in conversation? As in, oh I can/can't understand why you didn't come to mum's birthday dinner - the first meaning that he has some sympathy with your situation and the second giving you an opportunity to explain that you have resigned as your mum and B1's punchbag and scapegoat.

You do have rights as a person - you can talk about it to him - if he chooses to stick his fingers in his ears and go "lalalalalala!" then you kind of know which side of the fence he has come down on :( - but he might say "God yes, it was awful the way they went on at you, GF and I didn't know where to put ourselves!" and then you'll be fine.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 13/02/2011 13:32

That's it swaf. And she feeds off it the being "needed" even when she's not and she's made herself push in to a situation she'll play it like she's needed.

For example, the Thursday when the DB's etc arrived, we went out to lunch. She was sitting with "her boys" either side of her in her element. And she said "frogs made me go shopping and buy some clothes. She said I looked a mess and needed to get some clothes because she was ashamed to be seen out with me"

I looked at her and said "That isn't what happened and you and Dad both know it. You ASKED me to go shopping with you to help you choose what new clothes you wanted"

she just glossed over it, slide it off to the side with a laugh.

Even in that I had to be the Bad One who was telling her she looked shite.

OP posts:
thumbdabwitch · 13/02/2011 13:32

However - if he tries to act as mediator, or give mitigating circs why they behaved that way, then cut him off too. He's never going to be trustworthy.

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 13/02/2011 13:33

Xposts thumb - I still feel a bit weepy every now and again and I think a day with him just being loved and cared for would be good for me.

Tuesday (supposed to be at uni) DD1 has hospital appointment so I'm not a uni and I'm half tempted to email in to my studies advisor and explain that I have a load of family shit going on, the kids off half term, no babysitters etc and just take the week.

OP posts: