Advice please - confrontation looming with my parents

[imustbemadasaboxoffrogs]

In summary. They favour my brother's elder daughter have done for years.

But it was her birthday recently. My kids get £10 in an envelope, DD2 got a home made dolls house.

Neice got an Ipod Touch from them.

I am going to have to speak to them - my two are gutted. (DN has been crowing by email to DD1)

Help me frame the conversation so it doesn't descend into a shouting match?

Good morning Frogs!!

A horse!!! This DP relationship does have legs...

Tell him you'll need a paddock and staff to go with that....

Migrating - currently standing here doing my ironing and looking at the state of the kitchen floor.

I so wish I had STAFF.

No phone call today

They know that you are the one that gets upset and hurt (they don't care enough to). So they are using their silence just like kids send other kids to coventry to hurt, punish and bully you.

I thought you didn't want any phone calls??

DP is probaby too busy driving his way over...

at 'nob jockey'!!

Its possible that you will, in the end, only hear from nice brother/girlfriend as your nobby family decide to remain silent in some misguided attempt at 'moral high ground'

I dunno I suppose I thought they would care enough to phone.

Lisacat made a very interesting point and one that needs your due consideration madas.

You like many adults who were raised by and are still caught up with and in the whole maelstrom that is toxic parents are caught up in the FOG - fear (you are scared), obligation, guilt (just as she was). Your birth family only see you as the scapegoat for their ills. They will never apologise for their actions towards you but will expect you to carry on as before - y'know completely subserviant to them.

You can reclaim your life and it is perfectly okay to go no contact with these people. You would not let a friend treat you like this, family is really no different in that respect.

Read the book that I mentioned as well. That mother of yours along with her family is certainly within those pages.

"I dunno I suppose I thought they would care enough to phone.
"

Madas,

You must remember that you are not dealing with reasonable, sane people here. They are dysfunctional and the "normal" rules that apply to familial relations just do not come into play here.

They don't care about you and how hurt you are, they never have and they never will. They just want you to be their pawn in their sick powergames. This is what all this is really about; power and control.

This is what these toxic people have the ability to do to the scapegoat for their ills (i.e you).

If you do go no contact with them you and your children will be a damn sight happier for doing so. Your mother will start on your children given the opportunity and she already has - toxic parents more often than not become toxic grandparents so the cycle continues. Small wonder such problems become generational.

Thank you all so much for all the advice.

I have to now be honest and explain the issue with the BF/DP coz it's so much a part of why he was kept "secret"

Many moons ago, in a previous incarnation, I was the MNetter who was dating an exceedingly rich man.

I got flamed, called a troll, all sorts. I name changed, said we'd split, walked away from here for a few months.

The thing is, my family will try to leech of him - DB1 in particular. If they ever find out. The horse is for the house he's buying here.

Cool. Well if he wants to reward all those of us who supported you last night mine is a motorbike not a horse .

Is there any chance you can get some counceling? Sort out your need for their approval and love and why you are like a dog that when it is beaten still goes back to it's master tail between it's leg for more and hoping for the odd pat.

You have been conditioned to this all your life so far. Get all the help you can to un-condition yourself.

Xales - MV Agusta CC like this www.mvagusta.co.uk/_motorcycles/f4cc/index.php do ok?

But seriously it just makes it more difficult - I love him for who he is, not the money. Sure it was a mind fuck at the start, but at the end of the day a hotel is just a hotel, no matter how fancy.

But the fear was always there - they would smooze and try to get money out of him and mother would be all over him licking up his arse.

So I kept it quiet.

Funny I have actually been thinking of counselling. I need to get strong enough to walk away. Right away.

Frogs give DP some credit. They can ask for all the money they want. Doesn't mean he'll give it to them. And I'm sure he knows he shouldn't.

But if he's going to be DP for real, they will probably meet him at some point, no? And now he knows what they are like, yes?

MN is a strange old place!

I think this weekend is time for complete honesty with dp/bf and a decision for a complete break with toxic family.

Perhaps after spending time with him, you can compose some sort of family letter/

I thin Meercat would be better placed to work out the best practical way for ending contact but I would imagine, for yourself, you will need some sort of closure...even if they never actually respond.

Meercat, what do you think?

SWAF - I so get where you're coming from with that.

Yeah - he said I should've told him earlier and not been so afraid of it.

He's seen it before - golddiggers I mean.

Apparently it's one of my attractions - the fact that I am probably one of the un-money orientated people around

But a relationship with someone like him has it's own problems - honestly - he's buying this house, well thinking of it, and if I don't like it when we go to see it next week then no deal.

So I have millions and millions of pounds (literally) sitting on my say so. And that is a total head fart.

woah! That puts my little Er6f to shame www.kawasaki.co.uk/ER-6f

I understand where you are coming from. However if he is well off he has probably seen it all before and from what you may have said about your family before know exactly what they would be like to him.

He doesn't have let them know anything about his finances. Well not until after they have shown their true colours and you can drive off in a posh car laughing at them and throwing new £20 notes over your shoulder at them.

truth be told, my inlaws have a bob or two and have been quite a high brow family in its time.

What i came to realise though was that really doesn't matter one single bit if you are comfortable enough in your own skin and if anyone does have a problem...its their look out! Saying that, i hide my finances from most people I know.

Nice house!! I would take his request seriously and tell him what you think honestly aout it. thats what he likes about you!

See Migrating that's the thing - I honestly don't care, he makes me happy I'd be quite happy to live here (in my house) with him.

But I know (knew?) my family would be all over him like a bad rash and my mother would use it to make herself more important and gossip about. "LOOK AT ME" syndrome iyswim? DB will smooze and leech.

AND there would've been all the smarmy comments to me about only being after him for his money.

'knew' is the way to look at this now...

OK I can see where the horse fits now was a little looking around my little house.

Get that councelling sorted.

Your DP sounds level headed and aware. If you get disconnected from your family you will not have to worry about them any more.

PS you don't have to invite them there. Have them come to your house and pretend he is sponging off you.

I'm sorry guys that I wasn't honest right from the beginning on this thread btw.

I felt terrible with all the support and how sneaky I was being.

If my mother found out that I was with someone like that she would use me and him to make her look more important. It's always all about her.

She wouldn't care if I was happy or not, all she would care about would be the prestige of it if that makes sense?

Migrating - too true

Xales - I like your style

He's a waster on benefits, does fuck all around the house, lies in bed til lunchtime, that sort of thing?