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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please - confrontation looming with my parents

487 replies

imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 07/02/2011 20:20

In summary. They favour my brother's elder daughter have done for years.

But it was her birthday recently. My kids get £10 in an envelope, DD2 got a home made dolls house.

Neice got an Ipod Touch from them.

I am going to have to speak to them - my two are gutted. (DN has been crowing by email to DD1)

Help me frame the conversation so it doesn't descend into a shouting match?

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 12/02/2011 21:58

Migrating, as frogs well knows, Buffy is the reason I met my husband, moved from California to Belfast and now have my son!!

MigratingCoconuts · 12/02/2011 22:01

Now that does sound lke an interesting story Smile

CarGirl · 12/02/2011 22:07

It's horrible to read just how nasty your Mum and eldest brother are.

When/if you have contact from then again I would seriously practice a phrase such as "The way you spoke to me was unacceptable and they way you put me and my dds down is also completely unacceptable and I will no longer tolerate it" repeat adnauseum and then hang up.

Moosemummy · 12/02/2011 23:09

Night night Frogs. From the tone of your posts, you are sounding much more positive. I hope you get a good night's sleep and are strong for tomorrow.

blackeyedsusan · 13/02/2011 00:36

Good luck for tomorrow.

warthog · 13/02/2011 01:02

hope you're getting some sleep now frogs. just read your thread and your mum and bro are nuts. so glad you are standing up to them.

Buda · 13/02/2011 07:15

Hope you got some sleep.

If your Mum contacts you today I would just say something like "You told me to leave and stay away so I am doing. It is patently obvious you don't need me once your sons are around. My DDs have noticed and commented on how differently you treat us and them and I will not put them through it anymore. Have a nice birthday. Bye."

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 13/02/2011 07:32

I am seriously considering pulling the plug on the phone and only answering the mobile because I'll know who it is.

And I know that is ridiculous.

DP/BF is on his way which is good - only a couple of more hours to stick it out on my own. He says he'll answer the phone all day. Which will really really put the cat amongst the pigeons.

And I just realised this house is a fucking pigsty and if DP/BF is on his way I need to get my arse in gear and get tidied up lol

OP posts:
Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 13/02/2011 07:37

Oh and (positive things again) he is going to be 3 or 4 hours later than he should've been because he got distracted yesterday Grin

He bought me a horse!!!

She is a dark bay mare, just over 16 hands and she is drop dead gorgeous

Grin
OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 13/02/2011 07:49

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 13/02/2011 07:52

SWAF - you are dead right.

I'm going to tell her that the best thing to avoid conflict is for me not to be there and it would only have an atmosphere if I was there.

If I can be arsed.

God but she is beautiful. She is just the most gorgeous horse I have ever ever seen

OP posts:
thumbdabwitch · 13/02/2011 07:57

oh wow - a horse??!! he sounds wonderful, truly! Is he bringing her with him in a trailer or will you just have to go back with him for a couple of days to meet her and bring her back yourself?

It is FINE to call screen. Absolutely FINE. It's what you would do if you were receiving abusive calls from anyone - since the calls you are likely to get from your "family" are likely to be abusive, screening them is very sensible!

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 13/02/2011 08:00

Thumb - I will have to go see her another time - I don't have anywhere to keep her!

But we are going to have WORDS about appropriate levels of gifts and spending TOO MUCH MONEY ON ME

GRRRRRRR

OP posts:
LisasCat · 13/02/2011 08:02

Why do you think you can't cut them out of your life? I'm not criticising, just asking for reasons.

When I was seeing a therapist in my early twenties she said to me "a lot of your problems come from the two highly disfunctional relationships you have with your parents. I want you to think about how you would feel if you were to cut all contact with them."

I was absolutely aghast, and told her I couldn't possibly do that. I'm an only child, they've separated, I'm all they'e got. A lot of my issues were bound up in that sense of guilt and duty.

Fast forward 10 years and I haven't spoken to my dad in 4. I finally realised that therapist was right. It was a concept she'd forced me to face up to so that when I really needed to cut the ties, I could.

My relationship with my mum has improved, probably because she's seen what I've done with my dad and realises that I've got the strength to do it to her too unless she addresses the issues between us.

You CAN do it. It might feel like a terrible and scary thing to do, but I guarantee if they're worth giving a shit about, they'll come back, address their behaviour, and try to re-build the relationship. If they don't, fuck 'em. You've just got a horse!

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 13/02/2011 08:04

LisasCat - that is so right. I'm not an only, but my brothers live on the mainland of the UK and I live in Northern Ireland so I'm the only one here on a day to day basis iyswim.

I'm just so scared to do it I suppose.

A horse. In a 3 bed semi.Hmm

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 13/02/2011 08:07

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Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 13/02/2011 08:08

I have no idea.

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 13/02/2011 08:15

He was thinking 'That horse has Frog's eyes, I think I'll buy her'. Or something equally naff! Grin

Perhaps she can live in the lounge? No?

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 13/02/2011 08:16

Ha ha ha

DD1 would NOT have a problem with that

Grin
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PorkChopSter · 13/02/2011 08:29

The garden?

Good luck today. I'd go for home phone to answerphone, and getting out of the house.

Also, if you do speak to them, try to avoid 'scapegoat' language like "it'd be better if I wasn't there" or "i'll cause an atmosphere" because it's not you Perhaps something like 'that is not a good idea/appropriate' or just No piss off you weirdos

Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 13/02/2011 08:31

Porkchop - that's a very good point about the language.

Just it's not a good idea is the way forward I think

OP posts:
Original poster
imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 13/02/2011 08:36

Something I just thought about, following on from something on the stately homes thread.

DB1 has his email address as "frogssnr" (our surname)

I pointed out to him a few months ago that he wasn't the snr - I was the snr as I am older than him - he flipped his lid and said I would never be senior to him.

WTF?

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 13/02/2011 08:57

This reply has been deleted

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thumbdabwitch · 13/02/2011 09:11

Your "D"B1 has some middle-child ishoos, then, does he? Grin

You are his superior in every way, Madas. And of course you are senior to him - he has no understanding of the word if he doesn't get this! Idiot.

If you feel you have to speak to them (and they do not deserve that courtesy, by the way) I agree entirely that you should avoid all language that appears to accept their criticisms of you. Stick to the briefest of answers - No I'm not coming. No I don't want to. No I will not put my DDs through a scene like they had to suffer the other day. No I do not want to see B1 again.

Don't give reasons, excuses, apologies or anything. Just short sharp factual responses.

But I still believe you would be fine to call-screen and ignore them.

Shame you can't have the horse nearer!

Xales · 13/02/2011 09:48

I totally agree to pulling the plug on your home phone.

Don't answer their calls/texts on your mobile. Don't even read/listen to them.

You are not going to get a 'oh we are so sorry forgive us' you know you are not. You are going to get an 'you are an evil selfish bitch you are spoiling your mother's birthday' calls.

Start as you mean to go on. Cut them off.

Have fun in a few hours. Oh and don't worry too much about the house you have clean bedding............

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