Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

36 weeks pregnant, DP has been having an affair

125 replies

patsy375 · 07/02/2011 07:33

Im 36 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child, and although i have been a member and avid follower of MN since my MC last year this is the first time i have posted so please bear with me!

I have 2 children from a previous relationship, and have been with my DP for 5 years,we brought our 1st home together and moved in at the beginning of Dec.

I returned home Saturday night following a suprise baby shower thrown by my friends to find my DP in bed asleep, post pub, with his phone in his hand.

As i took it off him a message arrived in his FB inbox and upon seeing that it was from a woman, i rightly or wrongly read it. God how i wish i hadnt!

Within a couple of mins of reading it quickly became apparant that the bastard has been having an affair with an ex girlfriend. Some of the messages were sexually explicit discussing things they had done and what they wanted to do when they saw each other again.Others, which weirdly hurt me more,were more boyfriend/girlfriend-like, asking about each others day and calling each other "hun",which incidently is our name for each other!!!

I managed to work out that he had in fact been round to hers whilst I was at my baby shower!! The really fucked up thing is she treated him like shit when they were previously together, and actually cheated on him.

After leaving him a note, I took his phone(needed someone else to read it and tell me i wasnt going insane) and crashed at my friends house overnight. Came home to confront him, he of course denied that they had slept together the previous day or ever, but i still made him leave.

Little did he know i had already messaged her on FB,and when she got back to me, probably after speaking to him, she told me they had been in contact since 10th Dec (the day before we moved in together), that he had told her he was miserable with me and that they had slept together 3 times, xmas eve when i was at work,NY eve when i was out of town and another time. She said he was
constantly promising to leave me "when the time was right".

We have only had sex a handful of times during the pregnancy as he claimed that something just "switched off" since i started to show.

Have had approx 4 hours sleep in the last 2 days,cant eat,can barely breathe and its only my 2 DS that are keeping me functioning, if only on a very basic level. Really concerned what this is doing to my baby, what yet another relationship breakdown will do to my boys,(i split from their father 7 years ago) and where the hell to go from here.

He now knows that i know everything,wants to come back,and is very remorseful, I want to keep things normal for my boys and obv feel quite vulnerable at this stage in my pregnancy,but it feels like our entire time living together and this pregnancy is tainted by his deceit.

Please help!!

OP posts:
OADCB · 07/02/2011 07:42

Firstly You mean to eat and breathe. Scream/cry it out if that will help you breathe

Then you need to decide if you want him. I can't offer advice but one of the fab experts will be Along soon

Tortington · 07/02/2011 07:44

i am incredibly impressed that you made him leave, i can't tell you how impressed i am. you seem to be much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for and i am so, so glad to read of a woman who puts her self respect before a worthless man.

good for you

overmydeadbody · 07/02/2011 07:48

Well done for leaving him, you are a strong woman and you will get through this.

Good luck.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 07/02/2011 07:52

How awful Patsy. You have done exactly the right thing though I think. Keep talking to us and important to get as much help from friends and family as you can I think.

Given that youre so close to having the baby I think that anything you can do to prepare for that and maintain some level of calmness for you and the children is what you need right now, hard though that will be I know.

blondegirl1979 · 07/02/2011 07:55

Oh God, thats terrible, Im so sorry to hear that. Dont have anything useful to say though I'm afraid.

SaggyHairyArse · 07/02/2011 07:57

I am also very impressed that you made him leave, in your position (36 wks with 2 DC) not many women would so you are obviously made of stirling stuff!!!

Don't make any decisions now about your future, I think you need to concentrate on your boys, your baby and getting through the birth and first few weeks with your newborn.

Original poster
patsy375 · 07/02/2011 09:21

Need to know whether to tell boys the truth they are 10 and 7 and how much to allow him to be involved with the new baby. Its his first, should i let him be in the delivery room?

OP posts:
OADCB · 07/02/2011 09:31

I think you need to be careful.

If you take him back and the boys know too much they may find it hard to put it aside.

Re delivery. Instinct wants to say no way. But again I probably wound consider it but on my terms/ with support of my friend too!

Glamour · 07/02/2011 09:35

well me personally, i wouldnt have him in the room, i would feel that he had no respect for me through my pregnancy and no respect for his unborn baby, so he would be in the room when hell freezes over, i dont think i could cope with someone who had been unfaithful to me whilst i was carrying his child in the delivery room giving his support and watching me labour, i just couldnt do it

i obviously wouldnt tell the boys about the affair if thats what your asking

lia66 · 07/02/2011 09:40

patsy well done for being so strong. The hard bit is staying strong, for the sake of your own well being, that of your current children and your soon to be new baby.

I have to say from bitter experience, if he has done this to you at this time in your life then he'll do it again, you will be better off without him although Iknow that may seem hard to see at the moment.

As to the dleivery room, From my professional expeience as a Doula, I have to say I would be tempted to have him in the hospital parhaps but nowhere near you and any contact has to come from you. A labouring woman needs space and security, he offers you neither of these things. A close girlfriend would be much better for you, you need to be able to labour positively and he will only bring negative energy into your enviroment.

What to tell your boys? Difficult as after 5 yrs they will have their own relationship with them. Perhaps for now, that he will be living somewhere else but may come and visit you all after the new baby has been born, (again, your terms)

I feel for you, a shit time to find out something like this but you can and will be strong. Good luck.

sandmonkey · 07/02/2011 09:47

Just before Lia66 posted, I was going to suggest getting a doula or a close friend for your support during delivery.
You are in the same situation as my friend Her expartner and mother were in the delivery room, all the while shooting death glares at each other over the top of my friend who was getting no support from either. It turned into a long, hard labour where the baby just stopped coming forward, and I believe that it was because my friend was not comfortable (mentally obviously).
As Lia says, a woman (or any female animal) has to feel secure and safe when in labour.
Stay strong, enjoy your new baby and work out what is best for you.
You sound top shelf and you will get through this better than him!

TimeToStartACHEEKYDiet · 07/02/2011 09:59

OMG i dont know what to say. what a scumbag.

I hope you are ok, you have to eat something if not for you but for the baby even if its a slice of toast, just please you have to eat.

He is a dirty bastard for doing this to you at such a stage in your life, does she know your pregnant?

Original poster
patsy375 · 07/02/2011 10:12

thanks Lia i can definately identify with your comments re the delivery room, believe it or not im a midwife, and have seen how an unsupportive man can affect a labouring woman. Glamour def appreciate where you're coming from re delivery room but any suggestions what i might tell the boys about where and why he has suddenly gone?

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 07/02/2011 10:19

Some practical stuff first. One of the first things I'd suggest is to ask your health professionals for a STI test, which won't have been administered automatically during your pregnancy.

He has no legal right to be at the birth and it is better that you have a birthing partner who is absolutely on your side and in whom you have total trust.

For now, I would explain to the boys that you have decided to live apart, without going into the details just yet.

Sadly, affairs during pregnancy or in the first year of a baby's life are common, often because the birth of a child forces someone to grow up and take responsibility for perhaps the first time. However, they also happen for more malavolent reasons, in that your partner may have done this precisely because he knew you were vulnerable and he may have told himself that you would never leave him, whatever he did.

You have rather magnificently called his bluff on that one. If he had handled this differently, i.e. confessed without discovery, told the truth on discovery etc. then I would be advising you not to make any hasty decisions, concentrate on the birth, live apart from him and watch and wait.

However, it is clear that he would have lied and lied and only admitted to what you could prove, which is contempt. Well done for contacting the OW. I am sure she is telling the truth about the sex and she may or may not be lying about him saying that he would leave you, but in any case what he told her about that, might not have been the truth either. It's highly probable that he's been lying to the pair of you, but the difference is, she knew he was a liar and a deceiver and you didn't.

Original poster
patsy375 · 07/02/2011 10:22

Time to start..., yes she knew i was pregnant, he didnt tell her til after the 1st time they had sex though,
but believe it or not i bear her no malice. He was the one with the family, and the pregnant girlfriend she was just a sad lonely cow who fell for his lies!

OP posts:
justabit · 07/02/2011 10:35

Patsy. Adding my voice to those who admire your courage. I am so very sorry you are having to go through this. You will get a lot of support on here. Thinking of you and your boys.

justabit · 07/02/2011 10:36

Also, you are so wise not to spend energy and time bothering about the OW. You are right that he was the one who owed you loyalty and respect.

Original poster
patsy375 · 07/02/2011 10:47

Thank you for your support justabit, the support on here is helping loads, along with my truely amazing best friend who hasnt left my side 4 the last 36 hours. Hadnt realised I was being strong by booting him out, just couldnt look at the lying scum bag for a minute longer!!

OP posts:
sandmonkey · 07/02/2011 10:52

Sorry, without knowing you were a midwife, my post reads really condescendingly.
All the best to you.

Original poster
patsy375 · 07/02/2011 11:04

Sandmonkey PLEASE dont think that! I may be a midwife but i am also a mum and a woman betrayed and i found what you said really useful.

Whenwillifeelnormal, your post really hit the nail on the head and made me smile for the 1st time in days! Thanks

OP posts:
Eglu · 07/02/2011 11:13

Patsy sorry to hear this. I think wrt the delivery, this is all going to be too fresh and sore to have him there.

Wrt the boys. I don't think you should tell them about the affair, but I think it would be fair to say he has upset you adn not treated you very nicely so you can no longer be together. It is important that the boys don't see you as a bad guy in this, as they are obviously going to miss him.

Original poster
patsy375 · 07/02/2011 18:45

Its the boys im hurting for the most, feels like he has cheated on them too, he knows what they went through when I seperated from their father.

His own father was a known womaniser and he hated him for it, and the fact it lead to his parents divorcing and him having a "weekend dad". Just cant understand why he would inflict the very same pain on me, is it a genetic thing? Is it really "like father like son"?

OP posts:
aurynne · 07/02/2011 18:58

patsy, not only you are much stronger than I could have been, but you are a lovely, intelligent, considerate person. That DP of yours has no idea what he has done, and I hope he lives to regret treating you like crap. He has lost an amazing woman.

I wouldn't have that loser in the delivery room with me either. I would want to concentrate on meeting my baby, and not having to see the face of the person who cheated on me. However, I am sure you have the sound mind to make your own decision, and it will be the right one for you.

Just wanted to tell you that whatever happens, I hope the best for you ad your children. These are tough times, but they will get better. I am so sorry this had to happen to you, you deserve someone better.

QuintessentialShadows · 07/02/2011 19:05

Patsy, I admire your strength. I echo aurynne.
He doesnt deserve a woman like you.

Good luck.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 07/02/2011 21:07

patsy you've wondered about the "hereditary" factor. Sadly, there is a link between parental infidelity and history repeating itself, but people tend to go to either extreme and there are differences noted in the genders. Boys tend to be either emphatically intolerant of cheating if their father has been that way, especially if they've developed a good relationship with their mothers - or more accepting of it if they had complicated relationships with both parents in the aftermath.

I've also read some research that indicated that if the parental infidelity was discussed openly and especially when a child reached adulthood and could process and learn from its true effects on everyone involved, it is very unlikely that the person would go on to be unfaithful himself, because he would have been fully cognisant of the hurt caused. Most tellingly in this research, if the father had talked to his son about regretting his behaviour and the losses sustained, this also has a preventative effect.

I wonder therefore whether his Father's infidelity was discussed in this way?