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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

36 weeks pregnant, DP has been having an affair

125 replies

patsy375 · 07/02/2011 07:33

Im 36 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child, and although i have been a member and avid follower of MN since my MC last year this is the first time i have posted so please bear with me!

I have 2 children from a previous relationship, and have been with my DP for 5 years,we brought our 1st home together and moved in at the beginning of Dec.

I returned home Saturday night following a suprise baby shower thrown by my friends to find my DP in bed asleep, post pub, with his phone in his hand.

As i took it off him a message arrived in his FB inbox and upon seeing that it was from a woman, i rightly or wrongly read it. God how i wish i hadnt!

Within a couple of mins of reading it quickly became apparant that the bastard has been having an affair with an ex girlfriend. Some of the messages were sexually explicit discussing things they had done and what they wanted to do when they saw each other again.Others, which weirdly hurt me more,were more boyfriend/girlfriend-like, asking about each others day and calling each other "hun",which incidently is our name for each other!!!

I managed to work out that he had in fact been round to hers whilst I was at my baby shower!! The really fucked up thing is she treated him like shit when they were previously together, and actually cheated on him.

After leaving him a note, I took his phone(needed someone else to read it and tell me i wasnt going insane) and crashed at my friends house overnight. Came home to confront him, he of course denied that they had slept together the previous day or ever, but i still made him leave.

Little did he know i had already messaged her on FB,and when she got back to me, probably after speaking to him, she told me they had been in contact since 10th Dec (the day before we moved in together), that he had told her he was miserable with me and that they had slept together 3 times, xmas eve when i was at work,NY eve when i was out of town and another time. She said he was
constantly promising to leave me "when the time was right".

We have only had sex a handful of times during the pregnancy as he claimed that something just "switched off" since i started to show.

Have had approx 4 hours sleep in the last 2 days,cant eat,can barely breathe and its only my 2 DS that are keeping me functioning, if only on a very basic level. Really concerned what this is doing to my baby, what yet another relationship breakdown will do to my boys,(i split from their father 7 years ago) and where the hell to go from here.

He now knows that i know everything,wants to come back,and is very remorseful, I want to keep things normal for my boys and obv feel quite vulnerable at this stage in my pregnancy,but it feels like our entire time living together and this pregnancy is tainted by his deceit.

Please help!!

OP posts:
joanne34 · 10/02/2011 09:12

This thread has actually made me cry in parts, patsy you are so amazing ! I cant believe humans are capable of causing so much pain through their selfish f*ing genes !
Like others have said, I wish too I could take some of the pain away for you.

spot on with the flowers ! You do Rock !

hour by hour, day by day... stay strong, thinking of you and your baby and dcs ! hug.

prettywhiteguitar · 10/02/2011 09:15

flowers ??????

oh what a t**t

glad you didn't fall for that pathetic show of contrition.

I sympathise with you not understanding why he would want to repeat history and do this to his own children. I had exactly the same with my ex, his parents had a horrible break up and still refuse to speak to each other. They used to make him walk between cars in a car park when he was little.

I think they just don't know how to provide a stable home in some way not having experienced it themselves.

However having said that, my best friends mum was an alcoholic prostitute and my friend is the best mum ever and has a lovely husband and family life so......Hmm

prettywhiteguitar · 10/02/2011 09:16

whoops posted too soon,

so....maybe we are giving them excuses I ment to say

madonnawhore · 10/02/2011 13:32

This thread should go in a textbook masterclass of 'Things you should do when you find out your partner has been cheating on you while you're pregnant'.

I have a feeling that once the pain subsides and the dust settles, you are going to be totally fine.

Original poster
patsy375 · 10/02/2011 16:51

Well its now day 5, post discovery and things are starting to get a little easier.

Spent yet another night with the worlds most amazing best friend and managed a full 5 hours kip!!

Appetite slowly returning, and tears def decreasing.

DP texting constantly, full off apologies and professing to be prepared to "do anything" to repair damage.So have told him
that I have decided it will in fact be HIM making a trip to the GUM clinic to have all invasive tests, (swab down uretha -ouch)and relevant blood tests (he is totally needle phobic lol)

On a darker note have also had a very disturbing private inbox message from a male mumsnetter offering to help me give DP a "taste of his own medicine"!!!! Fucking unbelivable, just when you think men cant get any lower!

OP posts:
geordieminx · 10/02/2011 17:11

It's vile to think there are predators like that on here. Please report him.

Original poster
patsy375 · 10/02/2011 17:40

Dont worry geordieminx, I have already done it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/02/2011 19:06

This is the second thread todaywhere a poster has been perturbed by a male invading their inbox, with a sexual advance

Name and shame, patsy

I guarantee they will regret doing that

geordieminx · 10/02/2011 19:10

Yeah name and shame the seedy little creature...I hope he gets cock-rot

madonnawhore · 10/02/2011 19:12

Why not just out him? Why protect his privacy when he's invaded yours?

Original poster
patsy375 · 10/02/2011 20:45

ok, it was citygent76, ironic really,didnt sound like much of a gentleman.

Told him he was a sleaze bag and to fuck off!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/02/2011 21:05

ah, good reaction

I don't know that particular sleaze, tbh

< updates spreadsheet >

AnyFucker · 10/02/2011 21:06

he hasn't posted on any threads (in that name anyway)

just pm's

nice

geordieminx · 10/02/2011 21:22

What a looser.

As if you (or anyone else) would.

Vom

QuintessentialShadows · 10/02/2011 21:24

Geez patsy, I hope you reported him to MNHQ.

prettywhiteguitar · 10/02/2011 21:29

god what a predatory sleaze, really do they think we are totally thick

YouRmysunshine · 10/02/2011 22:25

prettywhite, no, what it is, HE (they) must be totally thick!!

So sorry for your situation patsy, much admiration for your strength

justabit · 10/02/2011 23:06

Hi Patsy. Have been lurking. Glad you are doing ok despite all. Just wanted to add my comments and say what a shitbag (and deluded loser) citygent must be.

YankNCock · 11/02/2011 19:56

patsy, excellent move making EX go to the GUM clinic, but would still suggest you go as well. With his capacity for lying, I wouldn't put it past him to say 'oh I got checked out and everything is fine' when he's done nothing of the sort.

Can't believe the twatbag PMing you, what an idiot.

AnotherMumOnHere · 12/02/2011 10:39

So proud of you Patsy you are doing so well. All advice given has been great so nothing to add. Gotta give extra points too to whoever said 'whatever you do is your choice and no one elses' I so second and third that.

Original poster
patsy375 · 12/02/2011 12:50

He app went to the GUM clinic yest, said it was one of the most unpleasant things he's ever had to do! I told him to tell someone who gives a fuck!

YankNcock I have said i want written evidence of all test results, i work for the NHS and will spot a fake letter a mile off.

Have received a card from Moonpig.com today, not opend it.Its bound to be from DP, and is either a valentines card he orderd b4 i rumbled him or another pathetic attempt at sorry.

Either way its meaningless, so just gonna burn the fucking thing while its still in the envelope.

Now where did i put that lighter.....

OP posts:
Leverkusen · 12/02/2011 13:06

Well done Patsy, I am late to this thread but you are incredible! I can't tell you how brilliant I think you are! Love that you changed the card to fuck you, you are being so strong.

romneymarsh · 12/02/2011 13:15

Patsy - you are doing so well, I totally admire your resolve. I totally agree with all Leverkusen has said.

I wish you the best for whatever you decide for your future. I wish I could be as strong as you are being and the detachment is the best way forward, I am still working on that.

Look after yourself, your baby, and two children.

Original poster
patsy375 · 12/02/2011 13:27

Have set fire to it and sent him a photo of it burning!

romneymarsh, sounds like you might have been thru something similar, feel free to inbox me if you want to chat, no worries if not.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 12/02/2011 13:31

Patsy, I heart you a little bit.