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Original poster

36 weeks pregnant, DP has been having an affair

125 replies

patsy375 · 07/02/2011 07:33

Im 36 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child, and although i have been a member and avid follower of MN since my MC last year this is the first time i have posted so please bear with me!

I have 2 children from a previous relationship, and have been with my DP for 5 years,we brought our 1st home together and moved in at the beginning of Dec.

I returned home Saturday night following a suprise baby shower thrown by my friends to find my DP in bed asleep, post pub, with his phone in his hand.

As i took it off him a message arrived in his FB inbox and upon seeing that it was from a woman, i rightly or wrongly read it. God how i wish i hadnt!

Within a couple of mins of reading it quickly became apparant that the bastard has been having an affair with an ex girlfriend. Some of the messages were sexually explicit discussing things they had done and what they wanted to do when they saw each other again.Others, which weirdly hurt me more,were more boyfriend/girlfriend-like, asking about each others day and calling each other "hun",which incidently is our name for each other!!!

I managed to work out that he had in fact been round to hers whilst I was at my baby shower!! The really fucked up thing is she treated him like shit when they were previously together, and actually cheated on him.

After leaving him a note, I took his phone(needed someone else to read it and tell me i wasnt going insane) and crashed at my friends house overnight. Came home to confront him, he of course denied that they had slept together the previous day or ever, but i still made him leave.

Little did he know i had already messaged her on FB,and when she got back to me, probably after speaking to him, she told me they had been in contact since 10th Dec (the day before we moved in together), that he had told her he was miserable with me and that they had slept together 3 times, xmas eve when i was at work,NY eve when i was out of town and another time. She said he was
constantly promising to leave me "when the time was right".

We have only had sex a handful of times during the pregnancy as he claimed that something just "switched off" since i started to show.

Have had approx 4 hours sleep in the last 2 days,cant eat,can barely breathe and its only my 2 DS that are keeping me functioning, if only on a very basic level. Really concerned what this is doing to my baby, what yet another relationship breakdown will do to my boys,(i split from their father 7 years ago) and where the hell to go from here.

He now knows that i know everything,wants to come back,and is very remorseful, I want to keep things normal for my boys and obv feel quite vulnerable at this stage in my pregnancy,but it feels like our entire time living together and this pregnancy is tainted by his deceit.

Please help!!

OP posts:
Scorps · 07/02/2011 21:14

Hi, my H had an affair in my last (4th) pregnancy. He left me at 37 weeks pregnant, just over a year ago now.

I know exactly where you are, the pain, the questions, the feeling of how he hurt your babies too.

Keep your chin up, go back to your physical basics - eat, drink, wash, bathroom. That's all i managed for weeks. I took pregnancy vitamins too because i couldn't eat and lost over a stone in 3 weeks whilst still pregnant.

Get STI tests. Get money together, away from where he can touch it. Be around someone who loves you - mum, dad, friend. I banned H from dc4 birth and had my friend instead. He had limited contact with dc4 because she was BF; tough on him, really! BF her was far more important than his contact IMO - it felt like he didn't deserve her. He sees all the dc often now.

I wish i had magic words - i've found itr a hard old slog, tbh, but have got through it with love from positive people.

YankNCock · 07/02/2011 21:16

If he'd cheated once in a drunken night out and felt remorse for it, that might be different, but the level of disrespect he has shown you is outrageous. He didn't even have the decency to try to cover his tracks by deleting messages, what an idiot.

Glad you've thrown him out. I agree he doesn't need to be anywhere near you during the birth. Your friend sounds great, can she be with you?

theresapotatoundermysink · 07/02/2011 21:21

My partner cheated on me when our DD was only 4 months old. I left him straight away and now several months later I absolutely know it was the right thing. If a man can't stay faithful during what should be one of the happiest times in your relationship, then in most cases I'm afraid there's not much hope.

Well done for being so strong. Good luck with the birth xxx

babylann · 07/02/2011 21:22

I can't share any valuable advice, but I just wanted to join everybody else in praising your courage and strength. With you in their lives, your sons will be fine.

BeeBox · 07/02/2011 21:27

I feel so so sorry for you and the pain you are having to go through Sad

But the man is a cock. He cheats on his heavily pregnant girlfriend with his ex. He uses FB as a medium for fucking about (immature twat). He goes off having sex because you are pregnant and makes some sort of a lame arse excuse about it. He just sounds like an utter knob. Get rid and good riddance. Sertiously. This man is not the respectful, loving partner and good role model for your boys that you want, need and deserve.

aurynne · 07/02/2011 21:31

I can't help adding, that he and his ex look perfect for one another. I am sure they will make each other miserable. Good riddance!

carmenelectra · 07/02/2011 23:01

Well done for getting rid of him,especially in your vulnerable state when it would have been easier to stay with him.
I know it's hard, but anyone that would do this to their pregnant partner is beyond belief. I agree with those that say get a supportive woman to support you with the birth. Failing that, Honestly, I would stick with the midwife raTHER than him be there.

I would tell the children that he has had to go away for a few wks(work or something) and keep it casual until you have made a definite decision.

P.S I am a midwife too, some men really are a waste of space in the delivery roomSmile

HanBanan · 07/02/2011 23:12

Terrible for you but well done, keep him out of your life. You and the children are all that matters now. Do not believe a single word that comes out of his mouth.
Don't have him in the delivery room. He should have thought of that before. His fault.
Don't feel any guilt or shame about his behaviour.

Loobyloo1902 · 07/02/2011 23:16

You super marvellous, wonderful woman, if I could take away just an ounce of your pain at the moment, I would. You sound truly amazing, putting everyone else's feelings ahead of your own to the extent you'd even consider letting him into the delivery room.

Whatever you choose to do in the delivery room and afterwards, there'll be a lot of people thinking of you and admiring your bravery this evening.

Best of luck my love x

Original poster
patsy375 · 08/02/2011 20:31

Thanks for all the positive and encouraging messages.

My friend is indeed amazing and is going to accompany me in the delivery room along with my mum. I have told him that he will NOT be contacted when i go into labour, and that someone will inform him when i have delivered!

There will be no access to the baby until he has gone through the courts and made offical arrangements.

Managing to eat a little and slept better last night approx 4 hrs,scorps will follow ur advice re vitamins and doing basic tasks, and luckily i do have an amazing group of people around me, inc his mother, sister and several of his closest friends who think he is scum!!

OP posts:
Original poster
patsy375 · 08/02/2011 20:51

yankncock i totally agree re one drunken mistake thing, its the daily contact, pre meditated meetings for sex and terms of affection that are actually killing me more!

Have now also blocked the OW on FB as her messages have become too painful to read. Once she realised he WASNT going to fall into her arms when I kicked him out,and he never had any intention of doing so, she seemed to take great pleasure in sharing every little detail of their seedy little affair with me!!

She even tried to make out she knew him better than me. Referring to things that had happend in his past and their previous relationship 6 years ago ,in some sick point scoring exercise or a lame attempt to prove that she was more than a shag!!
Dont get me wrong, i know this isnt her fault, she was single, he wasnt but she DID know i was PG and she seemed to be really enjoying pouring salt on my wounds. Anyway i told her she was poison and never intend to contact her again

OP posts:
YankNCock · 08/02/2011 21:19

patsy, if it is any consolation, the stuff the OW is telling you could just be more about making HIM miserable by ensuring you never take him back, and less about actually hurting you (even though that's what she's doing). Does that make any sense?

But best off not hearing any more, I think you were right to block her.

Great to hear your friend and mom will be with you when you deliver. You sound like you are doing so well, just keep concentrating on the baby and getting through the days.

justabit · 08/02/2011 21:28

Patsy you are being amazing.

Original poster
patsy375 · 08/02/2011 21:35

yankncock that does actually make a lot of sense, she did seem very much like a woman scorned today, going from giving straight answers to my questions to graphic personal details that i did not need to know with no regard to my heavily pregnant state!
Did actually throw up after i read one this afternoon!!

Saw my Midwife today and thankfully all is well with me and baby even if my diet only consisting of tea, coffee and biscuits just lately!!

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 09/02/2011 09:33

God you are being so strong ! I wish I had been as strong as you when I was pregnant and my ex was being a total dick.

3 years on I'm pregnant now with a totally amazing man and my son and I have a beautiful home and lovely family life with someone who deserves us.

I had some really dark times but I let my ex get to me whilst I was pregnant and when my ds was really young, please don't let him spoil this time, it should be about you and your baby. He is not important.

You are being amazingly strong ! Well done because it will be your children who will benefit from it and you will be able to look back and think I did the right thing !

Takeresponsibility · 09/02/2011 10:46
  1. Contact the tax credits benefits people and inform them that you only have your own income now.
  2. Tell the boys that DP has made you very unhappy and that he won't be staying with you for a while. Tell them you will make up your mind after Easter (don't say after baby is born or they may associate new baby with his disappearance)
3.Get that STI test done. 4.Arrange for you best fiend or Mum/sister to be your birthing partner.
  1. Tell DP you will inform him when you are admitted but you don't know if you can bea him to be in the delvery room (you don't know how you will feel when you are giving birth)
6.When you are calmer then you need to ask him why he was unfaithful and decide if this reason is a deal breaker for you, the simple fact of his adultery may be forgivable, but the lies and/or the reasons he strayed may be too much for you to forgive or be assured that it won't happen again. Only you can decide.
mamalovesmojitos · 09/02/2011 11:01

Another Patsy fan here, you are strong, dignified and smart. Every decision you have made has been spot on. Agree with prettywhiteguitar, as much as you can try not to let that idiot take away too much from your pregnancy and birth. It's a very special time.

Your two dss (and unborn dc) are lucky to have such a strong, wonderful mother. Best of luck with everything, you are an inspiration. xx.

lospollos · 09/02/2011 11:27

Oh poor ypu (sorry to sound patro.)
but good for you making him leave,

I would let him back when you're ready, no other time he has been selfish enough.

Original poster
patsy375 · 09/02/2011 16:37

Thanks for your continuing support ladies, its really helping me to get through each crappy day!!

Takeresponsibility appreciate your straight talking practical points, informed Tax Credits yest, and think your idea of what to tell the boys is a good one esp as it considers their feelings towards baby.

Mum and best friend are lined up as birthing partners and i guess a trip to the GUM clinic is sadly in order!

OP posts:
Original poster
patsy375 · 09/02/2011 16:40

BTW forgot to mention yesturday, but the Bastard tried to send me flowers!!

Could not believe my eyes when i saw the florists van pull into the street, told the very nice delivery man to return to sender, and changed the message on the card to FUCK YOU!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/02/2011 16:52

Patsy, I am late to this thread, but I just wanted to say you rock Smile

RespectTheDoughnut · 09/02/2011 17:23

Just seen this.

patsy, I wouldn't wish what's happening to you on anyone, but you are a breath of fresh air. Well done you. Keep plodding on - some of the very hardest parts are over & there'll be support here whenever you need it.

sowhatis · 09/02/2011 18:44

You sound amazing Patsy! Keep strong for yourself and your boys and baby.

he is a tw*t.

LisamumtoJake · 09/02/2011 19:17

You do sound amazing!!! Well done you and bravo on the flowers!!!! I would love to think that if this happened to me, i'd be as brave and courageous as you!!! keep us posted!

TCOB · 09/02/2011 21:27

In awe of how dignified you are being about this. The thing with the flowers was a real masterstroke. It must be so hard but you are really inspirational and a credit to your DCs. ExDP sounds like a see you next Tuesday of the first order who was punching wildly above his weight when he got with you. Keep strong and take care of yourself, DCs and the baby.