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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

36 weeks pregnant, DP has been having an affair

125 replies

patsy375 · 07/02/2011 07:33

Im 36 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child, and although i have been a member and avid follower of MN since my MC last year this is the first time i have posted so please bear with me!

I have 2 children from a previous relationship, and have been with my DP for 5 years,we brought our 1st home together and moved in at the beginning of Dec.

I returned home Saturday night following a suprise baby shower thrown by my friends to find my DP in bed asleep, post pub, with his phone in his hand.

As i took it off him a message arrived in his FB inbox and upon seeing that it was from a woman, i rightly or wrongly read it. God how i wish i hadnt!

Within a couple of mins of reading it quickly became apparant that the bastard has been having an affair with an ex girlfriend. Some of the messages were sexually explicit discussing things they had done and what they wanted to do when they saw each other again.Others, which weirdly hurt me more,were more boyfriend/girlfriend-like, asking about each others day and calling each other "hun",which incidently is our name for each other!!!

I managed to work out that he had in fact been round to hers whilst I was at my baby shower!! The really fucked up thing is she treated him like shit when they were previously together, and actually cheated on him.

After leaving him a note, I took his phone(needed someone else to read it and tell me i wasnt going insane) and crashed at my friends house overnight. Came home to confront him, he of course denied that they had slept together the previous day or ever, but i still made him leave.

Little did he know i had already messaged her on FB,and when she got back to me, probably after speaking to him, she told me they had been in contact since 10th Dec (the day before we moved in together), that he had told her he was miserable with me and that they had slept together 3 times, xmas eve when i was at work,NY eve when i was out of town and another time. She said he was
constantly promising to leave me "when the time was right".

We have only had sex a handful of times during the pregnancy as he claimed that something just "switched off" since i started to show.

Have had approx 4 hours sleep in the last 2 days,cant eat,can barely breathe and its only my 2 DS that are keeping me functioning, if only on a very basic level. Really concerned what this is doing to my baby, what yet another relationship breakdown will do to my boys,(i split from their father 7 years ago) and where the hell to go from here.

He now knows that i know everything,wants to come back,and is very remorseful, I want to keep things normal for my boys and obv feel quite vulnerable at this stage in my pregnancy,but it feels like our entire time living together and this pregnancy is tainted by his deceit.

Please help!!

OP posts:
romneymarsh · 12/02/2011 13:36

Thank you Patsy I will, just wish I had been as strong as you, you really are an inspiration to the weaklings in these situations like myself (always considered myself a strong person)! But I will get there in the end even if it is a bit slower than I wish.

Carry on as you are you wonderful strong lady.

ps you have really made me laugh with some of your posts.

claireybear82 · 12/02/2011 13:44

i dont post here much but just wanted to say i think you are doing amazingly well and i hope everything goes well with the birth. he has acted like an absolute prat and you are well shot of him but to actually do it when that heavily pregnant takes some doing so bloody good for u x

Original poster
patsy375 · 12/02/2011 14:10

Thanks ladies, feeling really determined, powerful and energetic today!

Dont know if its because its a week today since I found out what he was up to, but am using it to my advantage and getting on top of the housework whilst DS'S at their dads.

Aided of course by lots of tea, biscuits and very loud dance music!!!

Am sure neighbours must think im insane, smoke pouring out of kitchen window one minute, singing and dancing with a mop the next!

OP posts:
Original poster
patsy375 · 12/02/2011 14:16

Whole day given added boost as am wearing the gorgeous new pair of boots i brought yest with money from the joint account!!

Bad Mother!!

OP posts:
Original poster
patsy375 · 12/02/2011 14:31

Can i also just take this opportunity to apologise for the foul language i have used on nearly every post throughout this thread!

Read it back from beginning to end and am a little bit ashamed of myself!

OP posts:
romneymarsh · 12/02/2011 14:54

No need to feel ashamed, say whatever you like, I'm sure your mum isn't going to read it!!

Original poster
patsy375 · 12/02/2011 15:15

No she isnt, thank fuck lol

OP posts:
romneymarsh · 12/02/2011 15:18

Ha ha, like it!!!! Best laugh I've had in ages, I'm easily pleased!

textualhealing · 12/02/2011 15:35

Patsy, new to this thread but I just read it through and I have cried for you. You deserve so much better as does you family. I wish you all the best and I'm glad you have such good people around you, and on here for that matter. I enjoy the swearing on the this site generally so no need to apologise at all!

AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 16:17

Patsy, your thread has given me hope that there really are women out there who value themselves enough to not tolerate fuckwittery

Sometimes MN makes me despair...but not here

You are an inspiration Grin

and fucking swear away !

YankNCock · 12/02/2011 17:35

oh yes, please fucking swear all you like! Grin

Very good requesting written evidence of GUM clinic results. You are truly doing an amazing job of standing firm with him.

prettywhiteguitar · 12/02/2011 19:24

I really didn't notice the swearing Blush which says more bout me.

I just can't believe your resolve, I would have crumbled pathetically (and did) but you have kept strong, and more importantly away from him.

Well done you deserve better than that twat !

charitygirl · 12/02/2011 19:31

Patsy for Queen of MN. Or at least Queen of Relationships Board!

justabit · 13/02/2011 20:07

hope you had a good Sunday Patsy.

justabit · 13/02/2011 20:10

oops premature posting. meant to say that it is doing my heart good to read your updates.

threecurrantbuns · 13/02/2011 20:23

Patsy just wanted to agree with everyone and say you are so strong and sound like an amazing women.

And to all...i too have had private messageS from citygent!! VILE!

Original poster
patsy375 · 14/02/2011 17:49

Threecurrantbuns what did he say? Did u report him?

OP posts:
Sorelip · 14/02/2011 18:05

I got a pm from citygent76 as well, but he just asked me about wedding details. I responded once, then didn't bother. Glad I didn't!

Patsy, I've been lurking and just wanted to say that you're pretty amazing.

ellie21 · 14/02/2011 18:21

Hi
Just wanted to add to the other posters' comments about how brave you are being and to say sorry for what must be a horrible position. I LOVE the fact you got yourself a pair of new boots out of the joint account. Treat yourself as much as you can, take care and all the best for the birth xx

Original poster
patsy375 · 14/02/2011 18:34

Evening ladies, sorry for lack of update Sunday, not a good day. Came down to earth with a very big bump (lol, literally) following my slightly manic, greetings card burning, spring cleaning
fest on Saturday.

Think it may have been down to the fact that it was a week to the day that I had discovered what he was up to, and if im honest im starting to miss the twat!

He is very remorseful,crying constantly, cant eat sleep etc, says he feels like a part of him has died. I know which part i wish it was!!

Im remaining strong,but beginning to struggle tbh now im in my 37th week and completely knackerd. Think my resolve may be weakening,and hating lying to kids. Told them he's working away again.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
ellie21 · 14/02/2011 19:19

Write a long list of all the things you never liked about him, print out all of the advice you have been given here and stick them both somewhere where you can see them every day.

Or take a picture of yourself when you feel at your lowest and promise yourself that he is not going to make you feel like this ever again.

You are doing really well but I am sure it is very hard.

Chin up xxx

countingto10 · 14/02/2011 19:32

It's all very well constantly crying, not sleeping etc, but what is he actually doing, actions wise. Has he arranged counselling for himself to work out why he gave himself permission to do this, has he ceased all contact with OW and can he prove this to you to your satisfaction. Has he bent over backwards to help you in everyway possible, doing the shopping, looking after the DC etc?

Is he giving you space to collect your own thoughts ?

There are so many things he could be doing other than snivelling. And doing them regardless of whether you get back together or not.

Be strong and work out what YOU want.

cenicienta · 14/02/2011 21:16

Yes this sounds like a classic case of commitment phobia, you say he met up with OW the day before you moved in together, just as he was about to become a dad!

I would say he needs lots of (solo) therapy as being sorry on its own isn't going to sort out his issues! Maybe if he can start to recognise and face up to what made him behave so terribly (i.e. immaturity, fear of losing his freedom etc etc), he MIGHT be able to say with some certainty that he's sorry and won't ever do that to you again.

In the meantime you need to concentrate on you, the baby and other DCs (which you seem to be doing very admirably).

Thinking of you! Especially at the moment at 37 weeks, you must be knackered!

justabit · 15/02/2011 15:57

Hi Patsy. How are you today?

MammyG · 15/02/2011 21:52

Hi Patsy - women like you make me proud of our sex! Not only have you been very strong but you are also being incredibly honest! Of course you are going to miss him - you only ever thought the best of him and loved him! Unfortunately he was not doing the same for you. Im afraid sweetie that the man you love and miss was a sham or a mirage. You deserve the real deal as do your lovely DCs. There will be ups and downs and you will feel more vulnerable that you will ever again in your life but for now you must stay the course. The next few months must be spent on your new baby and your two boys. Making your unit work and taking care of your newborn. There is a small chance he may come round and if he hauls ass, jumps thru so major hoops and genuinely changes his ways then maybe in a few months you might review the situation. This happened for my best friend but she told him upfront nothing was going to happen or any decision made until the baby was at least 6 months old. In the end the baby was 8 months old when they started dating again and he moved in before her year birthday. So far so good. But she taught him that there will be no second chance and he knows it!
Best of luck - will be thinking of you. And also kudos to your best friend for playing her part too!