36 weeks pregnant, DP has been having an affair

[patsy375]

Im 36 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child, and although i have been a member and avid follower of MN since my MC last year this is the first time i have posted so please bear with me!

I have 2 children from a previous relationship, and have been with my DP for 5 years,we brought our 1st home together and moved in at the beginning of Dec.

I returned home Saturday night following a suprise baby shower thrown by my friends to find my DP in bed asleep, post pub, with his phone in his hand.

As i took it off him a message arrived in his FB inbox and upon seeing that it was from a woman, i rightly or wrongly read it. God how i wish i hadnt!

Within a couple of mins of reading it quickly became apparant that the bastard has been having an affair with an ex girlfriend. Some of the messages were sexually explicit discussing things they had done and what they wanted to do when they saw each other again.Others, which weirdly hurt me more,were more boyfriend/girlfriend-like, asking about each others day and calling each other "hun",which incidently is our name for each other!!!

I managed to work out that he had in fact been round to hers whilst I was at my baby shower!! The really fucked up thing is she treated him like shit when they were previously together, and actually cheated on him.

After leaving him a note, I took his phone(needed someone else to read it and tell me i wasnt going insane) and crashed at my friends house overnight. Came home to confront him, he of course denied that they had slept together the previous day or ever, but i still made him leave.

Little did he know i had already messaged her on FB,and when she got back to me, probably after speaking to him, she told me they had been in contact since 10th Dec (the day before we moved in together), that he had told her he was miserable with me and that they had slept together 3 times, xmas eve when i was at work,NY eve when i was out of town and another time. She said he was
constantly promising to leave me "when the time was right".

We have only had sex a handful of times during the pregnancy as he claimed that something just "switched off" since i started to show.

Have had approx 4 hours sleep in the last 2 days,cant eat,can barely breathe and its only my 2 DS that are keeping me functioning, if only on a very basic level. Really concerned what this is doing to my baby, what yet another relationship breakdown will do to my boys,(i split from their father 7 years ago) and where the hell to go from here.

He now knows that i know everything,wants to come back,and is very remorseful, I want to keep things normal for my boys and obv feel quite vulnerable at this stage in my pregnancy,but it feels like our entire time living together and this pregnancy is tainted by his deceit.

Please help!!

Countingto10, well actions wise he went to GUM clinic when asked and has proved this with paperwork.

He removed himself from FB and cut off all contact with OW on the day i kicked him out, he is prepared to show me itemised mobile phone bills to back this up.

He has offered to be here in the evenings and leave again when kids in bed in order to keep things normal for them, and he has definately given me space to think. He only contacts me if i have contacted him first, and has been texting my family and friends instead to find out how i am.

He actually rang my mother and apologised for what he had done and the hurt he has caused everyone.

cenicienta he def realises he has issues, lots of unresolved pent up shit about his womanising deceased father, serious committment phobia, etc. Has acknowledged on his own that he needs couselling and is currently looking for somewhere to get this.

Do you think this is a good start?

MammyG did your friend allow her partner to be in the delivery room with her? I still cant decide what to do about that.

Its a once in a life time thing that I wont be able to change my mind about or repeat, and I dont want to live to regret my decision.

I know Ive told him I dont want him present mainly to hurt him and to make him feel some of my pain.

Just reading your thread for first time patsy, think you are coping amazingly well and should be very proud of yourself.

Re giving birth, you don't need to make any decisions now, if I were you I'd try to just wait and see how you feel when you are in labour and either notify him when baby is born if you don't feel like you need/want him there or call him in if you change your mind. Means you won't feel pressured to a decision before the birth and he can stew a bit!

It does seem as though he is making a real effort but only you can know if this is enough for you. I have recently supported a friend through her split where her other half cheated, though she has no children which makes it easier imho. She decided not to take him back purely based on the fact that she wouldn't be able to trust him again. At first she was all for taking him back but when I asked how she'd feel next time he didn't text her when he was out/was late home/had a night out etc she said she would always wonder and couldn't live like that.

I am only telling you this to give you something to think about, the decision must be yours and only you know how you will feel, what he and your relationship are like.

I am glad you have such good support and hope you are managing a good long sleep right now

HighlandTea thanks for your support, think your suggestion re delivery is a good one, I def dont need any more pressure right now.

Re your friend, I have wondered many times over the last 10 days if I would even be thinking about having him back if I wasnt pregnant, or if indeed he would be trying so hard, but its impossible to know.

The trust thing is obv huge. I have always been a very trusting, non- jealous, GF.
I would not appreciate being dictated to by him and therefore treated him the same way.

However, I know that its very likely I would turn into the sort of paranoid, nagging, jealous nutter I've always hated and I just dont want to be that woman!

Best get my fat ass off to bed, lots of mummy things to do in the morning as per.

i would definitely encourage you to try to focus on just being a good co-parent and let him get on with this 'self improvement'... you shouldn't make any decisions about your relationship... and keep it uncomplicated- lay down some boundaries and stick to them.

you really need to protect yourself in this situation.

Hi,

I have just read, the begining and end of your thread.
I have to admit-when you wrote, 'something swiched off' when you began to show- made me cry.
My husband, has said the same and at 24 wks, decided he doesnt want 'us' anymore.

Personally, Im not hanging around to see what the future unfolds. I know I can protect myself and my baby, on my own. I cant forgive him for being so pathetic and fickle and causing me and bump distress.
I know our circumstances are very different and you have other children to think of. Its just sad, how common it is for men to be so thoughtlessly childish and to pick their times when we are so vulnerable.
Im getting all my strength from bump. It is not about him anymore and thus far, he has shown no regret- which, I know your partner has.
Let him prove this over time. Focus on you and baby. In the grand scheme of things, there is no rush for you to get back together and be normal. Take time, take care and focus on your and your children's life.

Patsy I totally agree with Highland, you will know what you want when the time comes, dont put anymore pressure on yourself in trying to make a decision now.

I think he is now trying to make amends but he will have to do a lot of work on himself via counselling etc for him to see why he did/allowed himself the affair. And I agree taking him back if thats what you decide, will be difficult with the trust and deception, I probably would have become that neurotic woman you are describing and that is something I would never want to become, but thats what he would have turned me into. (Not that he wanted to come back, wants his OW young enough to be his daughter, in fact his sons age)!!

Just take everyday as it comes, do what is right for you and know you did everything in your power to do what was right for you and your family. Keep strong hun, you will start to have better days.

I can only tell you what I did,

My exh had an affair during my pregnancy with second child, I suspected but didnt find out for sure until son was 10 weeks old.

When I did find out something switched off in me I ended marraige there and then and didnt look back, yes it was hard with a 2yr old and a new born, money worries and being the sole provider, however! I wouldn't swap that time with my children for anything we also had great fun and have a very strong bond.

So I guess my advice for what it's worth is don't do what you think you should do (or what friends/family think you should do), just follow your gut, best of luck xx

Patsy - just wanted to add myself to the list of admirers for your strength at such a difficult time.

I too have had a pm from citygent76 - deleted the post that caused it after request to mnhq. Also blocked him from pm-ing me again.

He hasn't posted anywhere, weirdo or what?

Oh woe his him -his dad was a womaniser so he has issues. As adults we make our own decisions in life. My dad was a mechanic and a good catholic neither of which I am. You could look for anything in your parents lives and map them on to your own if you tried hard enough.
I cannot tell you what to do -your call but he has been well and truly busted having a planned affair whilst you are carrying his child. My opinion -get rid and stay rid. The trust must have gone.
Most know I am a man but added it FYI. None of the men referenced on this thread are doing us any favours. There are good guys out there(I think).
You sound like you would cope much better on your own tbh.
Good luck with it all.

Patsy in reply to a question you posed earlier "Do you think this is a good start" yes I do!

I think him lying when you first asked him was a normal response to being found out. Most people would react that way. Do you think he is willing to tell you the complete truth now? That's key!

I'm not taking his side in this, and I'm not excusing what he's done, but I do think that some relationships can be repaired, even after major disasters like this if both sides are committed...

Ultimately you're the one who must decide what to do. Just wanted to give you a different perspective.

Hey Patsy.
The main difference with my friend was that his cheating was uncovered when she was 3 months pregnant and they have another child together. By the time labour came about they had sorted a lot of co-parenting things out. That said she felt it was a very vulnerable yet intimate time and was not commiting to anything until the moment so her mother travelled up with her and he went to the hospital separately. He was with her for a while when she was labouring and she asked him to leave when it got more intense as he was bugging her but to stay around as she may call him towards the end (which she did) She felt supported having her mother there (they get on really well. Funnily enough she said one of the contributing factors was that he had been at her sons birth. She didnt want this child to miss out when he was willing but also he had seen her give birth before so she didnt feel totally exposed/vulnerable. It was after the birth that things really changed for them - he totally stepped up. Took over all organising of the other fellow, housework, school runs and did anything he could to allow her time to recover and spend time with the baby etc He has changed a lot but also they have really changed their relationship too.

Hello Patsy,
You sound so brave and strong and proud and have my admiration. Right now focus on your pregnancy and your ds and you if possible and do not struggle with this. You will make the right decision when the time comes. Your labour is your labour and you need it to be stress free and as positive as it can be for you and the new life coming into the world. You are doing something fabulous I am enraged that your man would betray you in this way, but he did so try and go forward in a way that is best for you and your children. It is hard to know what to tell your kids at their age. I left my x in October having discovered a sneaky text on hols! I was shocked to the core and still don't know what to tell my 8yr old. My other 2 sons are 3 and 1 so it is easier on them. Anyway a few months down the line I am enjoying living without a man and despite thinking I'd never cope with 3 kids, we're doing great. Anyway your head will be reeling I'm sure so take little steps forward and don't worry about the details yet. Things have a funny way of working out.
Take care
xxx

glad you doing so well ill pm you x
Patsy,and others on here,i cannot imagine your pain being cheated on when most vulnerable.My exh cheated on me after 18yrs and 4 kids and i didnt think it was possible to feel so much pain but to be pg must be awfull-apart from anything else you cantget pissed have a drink.I cant add anything that hasnt already been said other than do what you want to do cos its you who has to live with it and also to say for me personally i decided it was harder and more painfull to stay rather than face life alone with dcs,let me tell you it turned out ok too.Sending you lots of good thoughts.

To have an affair is awful but to have one when you are pregnant is sheer twattery! What a total prick..thank god you have got shut of him. I imagine being pregnant and having this come to light your head must be all over the place! Try not to let it spoil your time with your new baby! FWIW I wish I had been on my own recently when I had DS as DH was a prick and ruined the whole experience. Good Luck to you..men can be such bastards..be strong!

Patsy I hope you are ok, hope your weekend goes ok and you are with friends who are supporting you. Is DP still trying hard? Thinking of you.

I've been away for a week and just wondered what is happening with Patsy. Does anyone know anything?

Patsy, I'm also 36 weeks pregnant and if that happened to me I just know I wouldn't have your strength and resolve to make him leave. Just know that you have the strength inside you to get through this and focus on bringing your amazing baby into the world - not long to wait now!

I'm currently in a troubled relationship and just wish I had your strength of character - sorry I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say how much respect and admiration I have for you.

Stay strong xxx

my now EX cheated on me when I was 6 months pregnant...I however didnt have to make the decision as he left for other woman he'd met on dating site:( she had 2 dc and now she is LP with ex dd!

I cant say what to do...but your DP ex has confirmed the cheating on dates ...that she would only know you were away if DP had told her or she was with DP.

My experience ..the pregnancy kept me busy and I loved my baby...(first time mum so not so worried as didnt have 2dc to think of). It was only when EX decided to mess around contact with ds now 6 that it hurt...ex hasnt seen ds for over 3 years or supports ds....although ex been attacking my home since applying for maint 2 yrs ago....which is frightening.

My honest opinion..those 'spots' dont change or go! If you can 'forget' (never mind forgive) maybe you are stronger than me....but you need some stability at the moment being 36 weeks and distress at this stage aint good for your baby...who is your number 1 priority. Your baby will help you recover hun and be your 'rock' and cuddles are plentiville:)

Maybe time on own till baby born into lesser stress mummy and then look at relationship then? Do you think the stress will be less having DP around? You will have a lot of feelings about what DP did...it is best to deal with that after you have your baby....some space may do you both good to think? Well mainly DP....
Try and stay well for your baby....my ex moved abroad to be with new woman when I was 38 weeks pregnant and ex made point of dropping us like a ton of lead (ex said he would stay in country until after ds was born. I started vomiting and couldn't breathe,,,baby heart rate went really low in stress I had to stay in hospital for 5 days and go back every day from 39 weeks pregnant till baby was born 12 days late to have heart rate of baby checked...due to baby being stressed...ex caused this:(

Hope you get some peace for you and baby's health x

Eeek only read first page Patsy as didnt realise their was 5{blush] ignore my experiences...your situation has changed and I hope it works out hun for you and baby:)

I struggled with delivery thing and was going to allow EX to be at birth (outside delivery room to see baby straight after being washed/I had cuddle first) however ex fcuked off b4 baby was born anyhow so didnt need to worry about it!
Hard decison as been in your shoes and was willing for ex to be outside room to see his son but ex loss...that can be an option for you?...then on day you may decide to allow dp in as when you are becoming a mummy you forget about not just the labour pains...and so in love with your baby that you want to say "despite being a fcukwit thank you for my lovely baby" ...just don't go that step further and call him 'sperm donar'
I laugh about it now as spent to long crying about it back then! As it does hurt...hard! Time does heal.

Next time she mentions it, laugh indulgently and say "It's still amusing you then..." in a way that suggests you think she's a little bit simple.

... or look at her wonderingly and say "Seriously? The novelty hasn't worn off for you yet?"

No idea why my last two posts ended up on here - sorry, wrong thread

How are you Patsy?