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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

silent treatment

56 replies

fedupandconfused · 04/02/2011 10:59

Hi I'm a first time poster so be gentle with me! My husband is currently giving me the silent treatment, and he does this every so often. He got annoyed about something at work and this seems to have become something that has made him fall out with me. I have tried to ask him what is wrong but he just says nothing and goes back to not speaking. He is a controlling and quite aggressive man at times, but other times is lovely and very affectionate.When we fall out sometimes he takes my car keys away (he pays for the car- I pay all the other household bills), and I am frightened of him. Can anyone help with a suggestion of how I can get him to talk as I can't stand an atmosphere. It will be nearly a week tomorrow since he fell out with me.Thanks

OP posts:
Thingumy · 04/02/2011 11:03

Why does he take your car keys away-what reason does he give?

Aggressive? in what way is he aggressive?

FlamingoBingo · 04/02/2011 11:06

You definitely need to do something! Have you got children? Has he always behaved so childishly?

Original poster
fedupandconfused · 04/02/2011 11:09

He takes them away if we have a bad row where I tell him what I really think. Usually I don't say too much, and hope he gets over his mood as quickly as possible.

He is aggressive in that he shouts at me, not usually physical stuff, but he did kick me once while I was holding our 2 yr old daughter knocking us to the ground.

OP posts:
Maisiethemorningsidecat · 04/02/2011 11:11

My dad did/used to do this - we grew up in a horrible atmosphere and my mum still lives with it so I sympathise. How is he the rest of the time? My dad's silences used to coincide with very low moods, and then he'd come out of it and everything would be wonderful. After 40 years or so of this behaviour he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I'm not saying your dh has that, but I just wonder if there is some underlying mental illness?

FWIW my mum ignores them, and makes sure that she has an active life with lots of friends, so he becomes almost irrelevent when he's acting like an arse. I'm not sure I could live that like, esp. as my sister and I haven't lived at home for over 20 years, but everyone is different I suppose.

So sorry for you Sad

Thingumy · 04/02/2011 11:14

Hmm.

Do you want to leave?

I think you will get a resounding 'he's abusive and leave' from the posters on here.

I would agree that you being abused-he's verbally abusing you now and he's physically abused you in the past.

Now,if you decide you want to stay,I would suggest you attempt some sort of couple counselling with him and also suggest he needs some anger management counselling too.

I would imagine he wouldn't be forthcoming with either suggestion.

So if he does reject the counselling idea,what would you do about your abuse?

GettinganIcyGrip · 04/02/2011 11:22

DO NOT go to any kind of couples counselling with an abusive partner.

Get that brilliant book by Lundy Bancroft 'why does she do that?' and read it from cover to cover.

Does he do this to other people or just to you?

My father did this, and other things. Of course it's abuse. Get yourself educated about the way these people work.

Look at this...cycle of abuse

Keep posting. xx

GettinganIcyGrip · 04/02/2011 11:24

Oh and give women's aid a call.

Original poster
fedupandconfused · 04/02/2011 11:24

I would rather not leave, I just want him to not behave like that towards me. I don't think he would agree to any sort of counselling as he probably doesn't think that hes doing anything wrong, and it is my fault for not being 'perfect' that he gets in these moods.

His dad is the same, he doesn't speak to his mum for weeks at a time and my dh hates his dad for it, yet does the same thing- I don't understand.

The first time he behaved like this towards me was just after I sold my house and moved in with him- when I was 'Trapped' so to speak.

OP posts:
GettinganIcyGrip · 04/02/2011 11:25

sorry that should be 'why does HE do that'

3littlefrogs · 04/02/2011 11:28

Alarm bells are ringing very loudly.

"The first time he behaved like this towards me was just after I sold my house and moved in with him- when I was 'Trapped' so to speak"

Sad.

This does not bode well for the future.

Original poster
fedupandconfused · 04/02/2011 11:28

Gettinganicygrip- I have just ordered that very same book. I am hoping I can then make some sense of his behaviour. His brother is the same too by the way and I have chats with my SIL about them - she isjust as fed up as me.

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupandconfused · 04/02/2011 11:31

He also drinks too much I think. He never has a day off from drinking- I buy him 12 cans of bitter and a box of wine every week, and that is usually not enough- he buys more himself.

It does'nt sound good does it.

OP posts:
Thingumy · 04/02/2011 11:31

And you are never 'trapped' OP.

You can leave if you wish to.

Thingumy · 04/02/2011 11:33

No it doesn't sound good OP.

GettinganIcyGrip · 04/02/2011 11:34

Google cycle of abuse and other sites which explain what is happening to you and your SIL.

He is acting to a classic script and I am sorry to say that the man you thought you knew is someone else entirely. As is his brother by the sounds of it.

There are lots of very knowledgeable people on here who have experience of this so you will get some good advice.

Please give women's aid a call, and perhaps get together with your SIL and go along and speak to someone there about your way forward.

Above all keep posting. xx

BertieBotts · 04/02/2011 11:38

He's not going to change his behaviour. :( I'm so sorry. Honest to god there is not one single thing you can do to change this - the only thing you can do is take yourself and your DD out of this situation.

He kicked you while you were holding your DD and knocked you both to the ground? Shock Aren't you worried about your DD's safety with him around? Has she started testing boundaries yet? Because she will do soon, and how will he deal with that?

FlamingoBingo · 04/02/2011 11:44

Oh, fedup Sad

He is so unlikely to change. He is even less likely to change if he is refusing to see there is even an issue with his controlling behaviour.

I am a really strong advocate for trying to mend marriages if at all possible, but when you're being abused like this (and you are being abused), do you really want your children to grow up thinking that this is acceptable behaviour? DO you really want to live the rest of your life being controlled and abused like this, when it could get worse...far worse if his drinking gets worse? Do you really want any daughters you may have growing up thinking that women are there to be controlled by men and any sons you have to grow up thinking that that is how men should behave?

Sorry to sound so harsh - I have often encouraged women on this topic to work on their marriage, but not when the situation is so unequal and one partner is so reluctant to even accept there's an issue, let alone try to work on it.

Original poster
fedupandconfused · 04/02/2011 11:53

Betiebotts-I think it was a 'one off', although there have been other incidents such as when he poured ribena over my white coat, and another when he threatened to set my expensive handbag that he had bought me on fire, and also when I was 9 months pregnant and we went out for a meal with his family for his dads birthday and I did't want him to drink, so he drove at 100 mph down country lanes on the way home and frightened me to death. He would never be violent towards dd though- he ignores her sometimes, and shouts but thats it.

His mum is no help either, she won't have a word said against either of her sons, and would believe him over me anytime-he has lied about what has gone on it the past.

I feel trapped also because his mum looks after our dd after school-picks her up etc, and I think that would stop if I left him, and I can't afford the childcare. :(

OP posts:
waterrat · 04/02/2011 12:00

oh my god to your last post - really shocked at this - please look at how you could leave. He might not be abusive to your child now but he could be in the future - and it is just as damaging for her to grow up seeing him treat you like this.

he would have to give you money if you leave. are you sure she would stop caring for the children? could you get friends/ child minder?

If it started when you moved in then it could get worse over the years.

GettinganIcyGrip · 04/02/2011 12:05

Have a look here....entitledto.co.uk

This will allow you to calculate your entitlements if you are on your own with a child. You will no doubt get some help towards childcare if you split.

You are in a horrible situation which is likely to get worse. Please fond out all your entitlements and do not give up hope.

You are NOT trapped and lots of us have been through this and got out of the other end much happier. And our children are happier...even our dogs are happier!

xx

Thingumy · 04/02/2011 12:06

'He would never be violent towards dd though'

You were pregnant with dd when he thought he'd drive at 100mph to frighten you-what would of happened if you crashed?
He showed violence towards your dd when she was in your womb.

I think you need to seriously think about getting out,he sounds vile and his behaviour is very frightening.

Original poster
fedupandconfused · 04/02/2011 12:07

I have nowhere to go. My mum & dad split up years ago so I have no family home to go back to- my mum is with a new partner who is a tidy freak and could not cope with having a young child living there, and I wouldn't want to live at my dads- he hasn't got the space.

I think he would get very nasty if I did somehow manage to leave.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 04/02/2011 12:09

You would afford the childcare - there is help available. How many DCs do you have and what ages?

It's good that he's never shown any signs of violence towards DD but she will be picking up on the way he behaves towards you and will subconsciously be laying this down as a template for a "normal" relationship - please tell me you want better than this for her.

I'm quite worried for you OP - I've been in a relationship like this and I know it seems scary and like a massive overreaction to leave but you just don't "get" what danger you were in until you do, I think...

Don't let him see the book when you get it and clear your internet history - do you know how to do that? It would also be safest for you if you can use private browsing when posting about this - it's usually an option under the "Tools" menu of your internet browser.

Good luck :) It must have taken an amazing amount of strength to post here, please keep posting - the ladies here are wonderful and incredibly supportive.

GettinganIcyGrip · 04/02/2011 12:09

Please give women's aid a call. They are experts in this and you can have a chat to them about everything. Their number does no show up ion your phone history.

FlamingoBingo · 04/02/2011 12:13

Oh my word! You are in an awful situation and I really hope you soon find the strength to get yourself and your children out of it Sad

Please contact women's aid - there is a way out. You are, sadly, not the only woman to have been in this situation but women do survive the escape of marriages like this.