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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

silent treatment

56 replies

fedupandconfused · 04/02/2011 10:59

Hi I'm a first time poster so be gentle with me! My husband is currently giving me the silent treatment, and he does this every so often. He got annoyed about something at work and this seems to have become something that has made him fall out with me. I have tried to ask him what is wrong but he just says nothing and goes back to not speaking. He is a controlling and quite aggressive man at times, but other times is lovely and very affectionate.When we fall out sometimes he takes my car keys away (he pays for the car- I pay all the other household bills), and I am frightened of him. Can anyone help with a suggestion of how I can get him to talk as I can't stand an atmosphere. It will be nearly a week tomorrow since he fell out with me.Thanks

OP posts:
FlamingoBingo · 04/02/2011 12:14

Women's Aid

BertieBotts · 04/02/2011 12:15

THERE ARE OPTIONS. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I had nowhere to go and I managed to find a privately rented house which I claim housing benefit for. I was lucky enough to be able to borrow the money for the deposit from my Grandad, but if you aren't in this situation you could save up a little at a time. A good tip I heard here is when you do the weekly shop, get some cashback - that way it just shows up on the statement as £74 spent at asda, rather than £44 at asda, £30 cashpoint - and squirrel this away into a secret account. You can open one at the post office which doesn't send statements, or ask them to send statements to your work, or go for an internet-only account. If you speak to them they will be able to help. I left while XP was at work because I was frightened as to how he would react. Looking back it was the best thing to do although it was awful at the time.

If this isn't an option or you need to leave now, you could consider a Women's Refuge - look on the Women's Aid website, they have a virtual tour of one. They really aren't scary or horrible places, you will be safe, and don't feel like this isn't "bad enough" or you are taking a place away - a friend of mine has lived in various refuges (her husband kept finding her :() and she said that almost all of them had spaces all the time - a couple were empty apart from her and her children.

Katisha · 04/02/2011 12:23

OP you are just waking up to the reality of whats going on I think.
Read the Lundy Bancroft.
Then start making plans to leave.

Yes he may well get nasty, but that's because he wants total control over you. The thing to remember is that he lives in a different version of reality to you.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

He will not change, you have to wake up to thereality of this. Keeping the peace will just mean it all goes on like this for evermore.

It may take a while but you have to realise that your life, and that of your DD, is worth more than this. As DD gets older she will start to get The Treatment as well.

Original poster
fedupandconfused · 04/02/2011 12:24

Bertie- I have 1 dd she is 4 and at school.
I don't want her to think that his behaviour is normal, of course not. I just keep thinking every time it happens that we will be able to sort things out and he will see how much it hurts me when he behaves this way and he will change.

He is like this with people where he works too, but seems to getover it quicker there-at home it lasts for days, and only ends when I force him to talk to me and he tells me all the things I am not doing for him, and we become 'friends' again. If I didn't do this god knows how long it would last.

All the while I am still doing his washing, making his lunch etc, so there is no consequences to his actions I suppose. (I once stopped making his lunch and he ended up taking my car keys off me).

OP posts:
Katisha · 04/02/2011 12:25

ALso - get a second set of car keys cut. And keep them hidden.
WTF are you supposed to be not doing when he confiscates the keys? Running away? This is just dreadful.

kepler10b · 04/02/2011 12:25

"I would rather not leave, I just want him to not behave like that towards me."

if only it was so simple OP. that is pretty much what most abused women would say. the problem with abusers is that there is NOTHING you can do to stop them behaving that was towards you. if he is not even open to considering that there is an issue with his behaviour and doing something about it there is absolutely no chance it will improve / change (short of him maybe getting a dibilitating illness and needing full time care from another).

the majority of abusers can be charming and adorable when they are not abusing.

the only thing you can control is your response. you either stay and put up with it, closing down more and more of yourself as you try to prevent triggering his moods. or you get out. neither option is pleasant or easy but the second one will move you forward with life eventually.

this isn't a dress rehearsal for life - please don't waste it being someone else's punchbag.

FlamingoBingo · 04/02/2011 12:29

Good idea, Katisha.

Fedup - he shouldn't need to be taught to behave decenly by you giving him 'consequences'. He will not change - sorry to say it. Clearly, and understandably, this is painful for you. Please call Women's Aid. Women in your situation are exactly who they work to help.

Please start working towards getting yourself and your precious children out of this situation.

BertieBotts · 04/02/2011 12:31

On childcare - you'd be able to claim childcare help through tax credits, if you're working over 16 hours a week. This applies even if she's at school as you can pay it to a childminder or after-school club as well. It's only 80% but if you're not paying out for his alcohol all the time you'll probably have more money spare. And remember you'll only be buying food for one adult, one child, and water, electricity etc will go down. (Does your partner work?) I don't know whether you would be able to afford the car - it depends how much you earn I suppose.

"I just keep thinking every time it happens that we will be able to sort things out and he will see how much it hurts me when he behaves this way and he will change."

But how many chances have you given him? Your DD is 4 and you've cited examples of him behaving this way since you were pregnant with her.

Original poster
fedupandconfused · 04/02/2011 12:34

Katisha- he tells me to leave, but I can't take the car ie get someone to pick me up, then be without transport to get to work, school etc- it is, I suppose, a tool to stop me from leaving him.

We don't have a computer at home, so I only use my work laptop, at work, which he never sees and I have ordered the book to be delivered to work and will keep it here.

I hope after reading it I can leave him, and be happy again, and not constantly treading on eggshells, dreading him coming home form work etc.

Lots of people would be really shocked to see us split up as he appears to be a lovely husband and father to the outside world.

OP posts:
Capreece · 04/02/2011 12:35

I have nothing further to add but my support - just want to reiterate what the others have said: this behaviour is NOT ok, is NOT your fault and is NOT normal. You deserve better, but you won't be able to get it until you have removed yourself and your daughter from the abusive environment.

Good luck, stay strong and know that you have people thinking of you
x

OneMoreChap · 04/02/2011 12:37

There's plenty of advice here about what to do.

He showed violence to you physically; he carried out abusive acts towards you.

he did kick me once while I was holding our 2 yr old daughter knocking us to the ground.

He also endangered your DD. I can't see that improving.

In general, DV doesn't solve itself. See some links

Katisha · 04/02/2011 12:38

Yes these people are always pillars of the community to everyone else. Believe me, it's absolutely standard.

Katisha · 04/02/2011 12:39

YOu might want to look up emotional abuse as well. Don;t kid yourself that because you are not actually being thumped that he is not damaging you.

FlamingoBingo · 04/02/2011 12:42

fedup - you wrote: "I hope after reading it I can leave him," - what a change from just an hour or so ago when you said "I don't want to leave him"! You're already making big steps in changing your understanding of this situation - well done!

Just keep telling yourself:

YOu can be a strong woman.
You can be a good role model for your daughter.
You can leave this abusive relationship.

Please do talk to women's aid as well, though - they will be great at advising you and supporting you. And keep posting here. We're all behind you.

nje3006 · 04/02/2011 12:48

fedup you've taken the very first step to waking up here. That's really good, for you and your dd.

I think you will find that book helpful. Also do read the WA website, that stuff should resonate with you.

Couples counselling is not usually recommended where there is abuse.

I would second getting a second set of keys cut for your car if you can. You might have to go to a garage to sort that out.

Keep taking those steps fedup, you owe it to yourself and your dd.

Katisha · 04/02/2011 12:52

Of course the second set of car keys is all very well, but when you use them it will signify that you are indeed leaving won't it.

The keys are more a symbol really I think - it is his symbolic way of showing you he has control.

Original poster
fedupandconfused · 04/02/2011 12:59

I will have a look at Womans Aid too, Thanks everyone for your help and advice.

OP posts:
FlamingoBingo · 04/02/2011 13:00

Good luck! Getting those car keys cut will at least give you some security that if you have to leave in an emergency, then you'll be able to. Keep them hidden somewhere very safe and secret though!

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 04/02/2011 13:32

Have just caught up with this thread, and see that far more has come out about his behaviour. There is far, far more than the OP - this is awful Sad

I hope that you can get the help you need to move on - you don't have to be with him, you know. Good luck, and be strong.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2011 13:49

This thread is one of the worst examples of domestic abuse I have seen on MN

Op, the more you disclose, the worse it gets

You must ring Woman's Aid

They won't insist you do anything. They won't tell you what you have to do. They will be able to tell you what your rights are, and reassure you that women like you can and do^ get away from abusive men like this. They will have heard all this before, i promise you. They also understand how long it can take for women to realise just how bad things can get, and will not judge you

I feel very sorry for you, and also for your dd

What would you say to her if she came to you with this dilemma ?

Please, start telling friends and family just how much this man is controlling yor life

Don't collude with the secrecy...it will keep you trapped there while he ruins your life, the only one you will ever get

FlamingoBingo · 04/02/2011 15:05

Isn't it, AF!? Shocking, and saddening!

Very good point about thinking what you would say to your DD if she were ever in this position?

kepler10b · 04/02/2011 17:33

can i suggest you don't wait for another blowup to leave? at that stage you will be at greater risk of his temper escalating out of control and who knows what might happen if you try to use your 'secret' car keys.

why not make a plan to leave without him knowing? you can tell him when the deed is done. even if it means moving to a women's shelter or a friend/ relative for a while (take the car and the bits and bobs you need for work and DC obviously.

sorry if that sounds extreme but to any outsider you sound as if you are in an unsafe situation.

hopefull55 · 04/02/2011 20:46

look for what its worth, it is sometimes hard to see the wood for the trees, when everything is up in the air and distressing. your options seem to be: you could leave, you could stay, you can hope he gets nicer. It really is up to you in your heart of hearts to decide what you really really think will be the case in 5, 10 years time and will you be happy? will you wake up and think, this relationship is making me a happier, better person. if you think it will, stay, but if not maybe you need to kickstart a process of getting your own life back which might well begin with looking at what you are entitled to as a single mum. good luck and keep sane.

humanheart · 04/02/2011 22:38

womens aid 0808 2000 247. please call them (24/7 helpline - you can be anon) and look at their site. they are experts in situations like yours and can give you excellent practical/legal advice and also wonderful emotional support.

all you have described is classic domestic abuse eg controlling, abusive behaviour. OP, it gets worse I'm sorry to say - it always gets worse.

I hope the book you have ordered - yes, definitely hide it - opens your eyes; also the responses to your thread, also womens aid website etc.

I know something of being financially in your H's power as it happened to me when I gave up my very good job to have our children. heavily encouraged by him to stop working and the minute I did he changed - I slowly realised I was totally trapped (pregnant and trapped). It was very frightening. I can't describe the nightmare that unfolded over time. before it happened I would never have believed in a million years he could turn the way he did as he was very charming - you couldn't have wished to meet a lovelier man. everybody adored him. is your H charming OP?

although he never hit me, I am at the moment battling the horrendous fallout of the way his abuse (of me) affected our children. even if they don't see it (though yours have) they somehow imbibe it and the effects come out years later. please don't think your children are not being affected by the way he is treating you.

although you do't have family OP you have more options than you realise and can successfully leave with a lot of support, emotional and financial, in place. you also say you had a property that you sold to live with him - this will be taken into account in any financial settlement.

humanheart · 04/02/2011 22:48

sorry, missed the 2nd page