Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you expect a new DP to ask before first penetration?

325 replies

OneMoreChap · 03/02/2011 17:52

I was shocked to find that some people would think that because I have never said, in effect "May we proceed to coitus" I've possibly been having non-consensual sex.

I've asked girls if I may kiss them, and even women too. I've never asked "Can we have intercourse?"

I wonder what some women expect? Should consent be in writing - as otherwise you could change your mind?

Should it be witnessed? As it could have been under duress?

Surely, the premise should be "no means no"?

I'm just stunned, but then I'm 50+ and long time out of the dating/chasing game.

OP posts:
LindenAvery · 04/02/2011 19:02

Well....there's always Bridge......or folk dancing?

Mouseface · 04/02/2011 19:02

Ah but AF age is but a number Wink

Failing that, there's always Viagra?

sweetgilly · 04/02/2011 19:05

OneMoreChap

Wow. You seem odd, very odd.

Mouseface · 04/02/2011 19:19

sweetgilly - can I ask you why you think OMC is 'odd, very odd'?

Original poster
OneMoreChap · 04/02/2011 19:26

softglowsandmaybes

he seems like quite a gentleman Blush

Nah, just a confused bloke who makes a mess of things sometimes.

But no agenda, and real interest in other folk.

OP posts:
Mumi · 04/02/2011 19:35

TheAtomicBum: "The 1st time I slept with my DP, I asked, "are you sure this is what you want?" before. So it's not that difficult."

  • are you my DP? Shock because that's exactly what he said to me before our first time, word for word. Absolutely proves your point that it's not that difficult. :)
DuelingFanjo · 04/02/2011 19:36

it's not a pervy question, reads more like a blokw wanting to piss of som wimmin on a site he's read about somewhere for a bit of a laugh.

Is he really 50? is he really a dad? Does he really have a wife? how would we ever know?

Mouseface · 04/02/2011 19:44

Fanjo - that could be said for a few posters though, couldn't it?

Some threads are so outrageous or nonsensical (SP?) you think 'WFT?'

Maybe my bridge dweller radar is bust but I really don't see OMC as odd or pervy.

BertieBotts · 04/02/2011 19:44

I don't think it sounds like a wind up either - he was just shocked at someone's views as expressed on another thread, having never come across someone openly saying this before, and wanted to garner general opinion I expect.

I don't see it as any different from when there's a throwaway comment on a thread where someone says "OMG, someone I used to know didn't change their sheets for two weeks" and it starts a thread from someone saying "Am I a slattern for only changing my sheets once a month?"

Although obviously the issues involved are a lot more emotive. Hence it sparking 180+ posts.

Mouseface · 04/02/2011 19:54

Exactly Bertie

Fancy a Wine?

BertieBotts · 04/02/2011 19:58

Grin I would if I didn't have an essay to write once I get DS in bed...

Original poster
OneMoreChap · 04/02/2011 20:02

DuelingFanjo

Is he really 50? is he really a dad? Does he really have a wife? how would we ever know?

52 to be honest
Yes, twice
have one - she's my second
You don't.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/02/2011 20:02

mousey, ny DH don't need Viagra Wink

when I first did the deed with DH about 25 years ago (fuck... really ?? Hmm) I was the protagonist

he had been an utter gentleman, kisses only, and even when I pounced on him, he still said "are you sure ?"

that man, he is a keeper Smile

Mouseface · 04/02/2011 20:11

AF - yes, DH is like that. A real gentleman. We dated for a few months before anything happened.

He came round one night and I pinned him to the sofa, he said the same, "are you sure?"

And I was like.........Shock

Wait a minute AF, am I married to your DH??!!??!!??!!

Wink

They are a dying breed these gentlemen types aren't they? That's why I married mine, well that and ahem, other reasons Grin

Bertie - shame, next time maybe.

OMC - you stay the way you are. Smile

Malificence · 04/02/2011 20:13

All I can say is that I'm very glad I was a child bride and have been married forever.
This dating/new sexual partners thing seems like such hard work!

My 21 year old DD doesn't seem to have these issues , but then she has hiagh self esteem, a good brain in her head and excellent taste in young men.

She wouldn't be silly enough to have unprotected sex with a near stranger in her kitchen just because she didn't feel right about saying no to him.

Mouseface · 04/02/2011 20:19

Mal - most likely because she has had good role models IYSWIM but that's a whole other thread Grin

swallowedAfly · 04/02/2011 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
OneMoreChap · 04/02/2011 21:03

DuellingFanjo
a site he's read about somewhere for a bit of a laugh.

Actually...

I'd heard about mumsnet.
is it shameful to say it was about asking politicians about biscuits? I'd listed it as "look at sometime"

I was watching an episode of "Outnumbered" when I heard it mentioned again, so I decided to have a wee look.

The bits I saw seemed interesting, and involved, so I read for a while. I joined in, and I talked about a thread on another thread (oops) which was bad; I learnt stuff; I got called a female (odd); a troll (nope); accused of loads of other shite, which I've risen above :o

I think it's an interesting place; you're stuck with me unless the PTB say otherwise.

OP posts:
Janos · 04/02/2011 22:22

The premise of this thread is very dodgy OneMoreChap.

It's easy enough to tell if consent is genuine, why pretend it isn't?

Malificence - I'd like to think your last comment was not intended to be as startlingly offensive as it actually is.

Original poster
OneMoreChap · 04/02/2011 23:09

Janos thanks for your contribution.

I think it's very easy to tell if consent is genuine.

I have never asked someone if I can have sex with them.

Some women think - provided clear signals are given by the woman - that's fine.

Some think you have to explicitly ask.

That's now clear to me.

Is it clear to you, too?

OP posts:
Janos · 04/02/2011 23:27

I'm not sure why the patronising tone OneMoreChap. Perhaps you didn't intend it.

Personally, I think its glaringly obvious to anyone with an iota of empathy towards their fellow human beings whether consent is genuine or not.

However, I do think there are men out there who are quite happy to promote the myth that it's difficult to tell whether or not a woman is giving consent, because it suits them to do so.

Neon · 04/02/2011 23:27

This thread is attention grabbing/self publicity only to 'OneMoreChap'.

People come on here with really genuine, sensitive queries needing advice.

I award it with my first ever Biscuit as it is, well - crap toss.

Well done - great post chap [thumbsup].

HerBeX · 05/02/2011 10:31

Yes I do think this idea that men are too stupid/ lacking in empathy to actually be able to tell when a woman wants sex, is deeply insulting to most men who aren't rapists and very dangerous to women, who are left vulnerable to predators because the rest of society lines up to protect the predators, not the women.

Malificence · 05/02/2011 10:48

Actually, every woman who has let a man like that disgusting creep have sex with her, even when she doesn't really want him to, has encouraged him to think that he is onto a winning strategy and there is nothing really wrong with what he is doing, so he continues to do it, as warped and nasty as he is.

Nobody on that thread was defending the actions of that man, the unanimous opinion was that he was manipulative and predatory, but he wouldn't get away with it if women didn't let him!

The minute he tried it on with her, she should have shown him the door, she could have ended or controlled the situation, she didn't.
A woman who reacts like she did in that scenario needs help/support to build her self esteem and assertiveness, being steered/coerced into sex you don't want indicates confidence/personality issues.

HerBeX · 05/02/2011 10:53

Oh FFS Malificence, what a load of victim blaming crap. This isn't just a self-esteem issue, this is a social issue about men's sense of sexual entitlement as well.

Yes, self-esteem is good. But women wouldn't need to work on their self-esteem in order to avoid coercive sex, if men didn't think they had the right to coerce women into sex.

Swipe left for the next trending thread