Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

[h20]

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

Please don't beat yourself up over this. You made a mistake now move on from it. I agree with other posters that say, tomorrow you should just firmly and confidently with your held up high (no sheepish guilty look or apologetic look on your face) and tell him, you don't want to do it again or take it further, you didn't enjoy it and you're not prepared to be involved in a secret liaison and just walk away, no discussion, just walk away.

For you though from now onward, forget it. We all do stupid things we wish we hadn't but you didn't kill anyone, the world isn't going to end and you can just put it down experience.

Keep smiling

Thing is though, had it been good, had he been available, and not a fucking shit, this would have been a very different thread. PLEASE stop filling the OPs head full of bloody rape scenarios, it is attaching too much significance to what was, a bloody mistake!!! The guy is no doubt a cunt but planting rape theories is going to do the OP no good at all. She doesn't need to excuse her behaviour by saying she was raped, we have to take responsibility for ourselves, She fucked up, she knows that, but its not a big deal, she needs to move on and stop beating herself up.

I admire you for the responsibility you are taking in this matter H20, but as long as you realise it's not all yours to take. I would however add to your list - never give yourself permission to do something that could hurt someone else, because even flirting with an attached man would be hurtful to his partner and I presume you would never want to collude in another person's hurt?

I also think your thread has highlighted an important issue about consent and I don't know whether posters are missing the point here, but I do think that this man should have asked whether it was appropriate to carry on - and certainly before the moment of penetration.

In the past, I have been asked variations of "is this okay?" "Are you sure?" etc. on the first occasion I have had penetrative sex with someone and that has always seemed to me the most considerate and appropriate thing for a man to do. I am quite surprised that other posters have never been asked that question, tbh, or that more posters haven't given any thought to what advice they will give to their sons about the difference between implied and expressly given, consent. After all, the law does make that distinction - and is all the better for it, IMO, despite the disgraceful conviction rate.

I'm only just reading the rest of the thread now... please don't lie to yourself about what it was and how it happened, that's shocking advice, you won't feel better about it because deep down you'll know the truth.

Onemorechap

" Inviting a man who clearly fancies you, into your home whilst you are alone is not a good idea, I think we can all agree on that.

By inviting him round she gave him the message that she was interested.

As women we have to take responsibility for our own actions, it's too easy to blame someone else."

and multiple posts saying that she didn't push him away / physically try to stop him so how was he to know.

will this thread make 500 before AF gets a look in????
by the end of the day could the lady drop the guilt feeling and think, "that was a different day" from the normal single parent stuff

Exactly, her behaviour doesn NOT need excusing! But it almost seems the rape suggestion is an attempt at that and applies that the OP should in some way be ashamed. Why can't it be a case of bad sex, lucky escape i aint going there again!

Rhadegunde has already picked out the other post that I was surprised by.

implies, not applies

No one has said coffee equals sex. However safety is a huge issue and it would be foolish to think otherwise. In an ideal world we'd all go around with our cars unlocked and front doors wide open. But it's far from an ideal world and there are basic steps that everyone takes to ensure they are safe.

Inviting someone back to your house for coffee when you don't know them is not safe. Esp when you are fully aware that they fancy you.

This is not a generalisation of coffee = sex and it is not the same as inviting the plumber in to do a job or making a cuppa for the window cleaner.

Also, as H20 admitted, she didn't just lie back and think of England, she kissed him and touched him intimately.

I agree that only H20 knows what fully happened and would know whether or not she had been violated. We can only go off what we've been told.

Just reading some of the other posts!!!

Whatever he is, whatever his motives were/are, you know you made a mistake. You didn't take control of the situation then but you can take control now.

Don't worry about it, just as batman47555 said "that was a different day".

Don't feel guilty, put it down to experience and move on.

As a famous character said in a book "tomorrow is another day"

If I were the sleezeball's wife, my take would be this:

DH (aka) Sleezeball, eyes single mum up in the playground. Single mum is insecure and lonely and quite likes the idea of being 'fancied'. It has been a long time so when DH makes it clear that he finds her attractive, single mum can't resist inviting him back for coffee where she believes she will be flattered and made to feel attractive - something that has been missing in her life for a while. DH makes a move and single mum protests lamely about the fact he has a parter - perhaps hoping to be reassured that parter and him are all but over/don't have sex etc etc. She then physically responds to his advances and they have sex in the kitchen.

Single mum is a scarlet woman.

Now, I am not saying that this is my opinion, but depending on how the facts as we know them are presented, one could take a very different view as to how badly both parties behaved.

I believe OP is ashamed that she went along with something that was as she herself stated an almost outer body fascination with 'what would happen next'. I have done this, I know what she means. The fact that the man took advantage of her slightly bewildered response, was sleezy, unforgivable to his wife, but not rape.

To call it rape is to insult those who have put up real fights and been ignored, and it further fuels the dangerous ability for people who have had consensual sex to change their minds and cry rape.

The bloke is a twat, a sleeze, a cheat and a nob.

OP was vulnerable, lonely, curious.

That's all.

dittany, she kissed and touched him.

Would your rape accusation stand up in court? No it wouldn't and it's stupid to try and convince someone that they have been raped under these circumstances because they could end up being prosecuted themselves and the man's life would be in ruins as well as hers.

Don't give out bad advice based on a few postings.

Don't beat yourself up

I always thought 'fancy a coffee' was like a chat up line anyway.

alot of good advice on here

excellent post slightly i'm outa here :-)

Blimey maybe I'm an over flirtatious or too exrovery person but I would never imagine that flirting with an attached person could hurt their partner or ditto when I was attached someone flirting with me would offend my partner.

I think to suggest that you collude in another's hurt by doing this is really rather extreme. Of course you have the right to be hurt if that happens but really I think people have to toughen up a bit.

I may also flirt with women too - should I expect that to hurt their partners?

It's all a bit too earnest and po-faced for me.

Ive worked in loads of different industries and in almost all flirting has taken place - it oils the wheels.

I agree that it's not so appropriate at the school gate/church etc

When H20 said that she wasn't interested the bloke should have accepted it, full stop. She did not "fuck up" and it wasn't a case of "bad casual sex, oh well" (for that to be the case, she would have had to have wanted to have sex with him in the first place, but she didn't). I don't see how H20 blaming herself (or 'taking responsibility') for what happened is in any way admirable when he is the only one in the wrong here.

"To call it rape is to insult those who have put up real fights and been ignored"

Another poster who thinks it's not rape if the woman doesn't physically fight back.

This thread is appalling.

Thanks softglow! Kind words indeed.
The rape issue is obviously something very emotive, and I wouldn't like to make light of it. Except in the obvious cases I guess that there are degrees of enthusiasm in relation to any sexual encounter, and also people vary in how much they can feel pressurised. One persons 'boundaries' are different from another's, and messages - mixed or otherwise - are subject to interpretation in most cases.

I felt pressurised, but I wouldn't class it as rape in my case, at all.

It was more a case of might as well get it over and done with, like a rollercoaster ride that you can't get off once you are strapped in, but you realise you are not enjoying - although mercifully in this case, not as long lasting...

The fact that I felt I couldn't get off was more out of obligation I think than fear..

Dittany... OP feels ashamed, that's nothing to do with violation, the guy didn't force her, she feels bad about the decision that she made.

Some of you are seriously undermining rape victims and that's disgraceful. No wonder they are often disbelieved.

Isn't you are right, a woman doesn't always have to fight back for it to be rape, she doesn't even have to say no - BUT this was not an incident of rape.

Dittany, you need to stop now - seriously