If you hit your OH then YES you are as much an abuser as he would be if he hit you.

[QueenGigantaurofMnet]

I have just seen someone on another forum discussing how she couldn't possibly have been an abuser. she has only hit her husband twice (although the second time she hit him twice as she enjoyed the fear and shock in his face) in the 15 years of their marriage.

the rest of the forumn are telling her that it was ok. they are both "headstrong"

other are saying things like "i wish i could hit my oh"

It makes me feel sick.

Violance on a relationship is wrong. It is called Domestic violance, not man hitting wife violance.

if you have hit your partner then you ARE an abuser and you SHOULD be looking at ways to deal with your anger.

Im sorry but i am actually quite angry about this

clare, regardless of whether people have said the smae thing before and it created moldies. it doesn't change teh fact that there have been a whole load of new posters does it? not really understanding your point. am i not allowed to say if tehre are new posters?

I do think there is a difference between a one-off loss of temper and ongoing abuse. Usually an abusive person has worked up to actual hitting in a series of stages, sulking, making unreasonable demands, hitting objects, 'accidentally' hitting/pushing the partner etc.

Also, there are some abusers (I think there was a thread about this recently) who abuse by deliberately provoking the partner, who is smaller and maybe weaker, to the point where s/he lashes out so s/he can be publicly humiliated and terrorized further.

valium. did hurting him stop it hurting in your head? it wasn't self defence was it?

mumsnet does attract new posters

do they have to go through you ILoveIt for approval? of course not

its a silly point to make, sort of says, new posters dont know the ways

different name: read the thread 8)

I am...and your posts are offensive & rude!

You fought EA with violence, not right. Not right at all. You can't fight abuse with abuse, then complain about being abused.

bop , where did i say they had to go through me for approval. i responded to queens comment about there being new posters. i said yes there were new posters. did i say how dare they post? did i say tehy have no right? did i say anything negative about teh fact that there are new posters here?

It may sound it to you clarevoyant, but you are wrong. Somebody, a partner, deliberate set out to torture me, undermine me, unhinge me. And they succeeded. He was delighted when I lost it and pulled his hair. It was a game to him. Tormenting me and making me miserable was a game to him. It was hell for me. So if you think I was being ABUSIVE then you're clueless.

I haven't read the other thread so am not in any way reffering to that. But I think its awful the lack of support for male sufferers of DV. My Dad is a wonderful, clever, intelligent man. He has a highly important job, think high up lawyer type thing who works very closely with CID on serious cases he would do anything for me to help me out. He is physically (well was I am not sure if he still is as he will not aknowledhe it and I havent seen it for a few years but very likely still goes on) and emotionally abused by my mother, his wife. I no longer speak to her, she often hit me too. She would tell him he was useless and rubbish at everything, he would so lots of cleaning up after meals, garden stuff, cleaning car, fixing things and tidying as well as cleaning bathroom/hoovering - hardly useless! As well as for many years being sole earner. He has no friends just work aquaintances that he only sees at work, he doesnt drink at all unless he is on a work night out which is about 3/4 times a year one time he drank lots and slipped and fell on ice and ended up in hosp unconcious, when I go tthe call I really thought he had killed himself or something. I felt so scared for him at her mercy when he was recoering.

On the outside she is a kind, intelligent, thoughtful person. Funny too. But when she is angry or down she is awful. Have seen her throw cups, plates, hit him and he just puts his hands up to his head to protect himself. One night he slept outside on the prch with a bin bag oer him.

She puts him down all the time. :( I despise her. I wish it was more accepted for him to get some help.

Sorry bit of a rambke

If you hit your partner, whether they are male or female you are in the wrong. There is no justification for being violent. Would you punch your child twice in the face if they hurt your toes accidently? Thought not.

If you have to resort to violence there is obviously something seriously wrong in your relationship, and you need to find a different way to deal with confrontation. I don't think it means that you are abusive if it is a one off but it needs dealing with.

let's be honest. it is designed ime to invalidate the viewpoints of the apparently new posters in the minds of the old posters. funny that it's been mentioned a couple of times on QG's thread, in light of her avowed distaste for 'MN Royalty'...

IloveitwhenyoucallmeBoo, it stopped him mocking me and throwing my failures back in my face for about twenty seconds yes, so it was a form of relief. I did this roughly twice in 8 years. The man regularly left bruises on me, even my face once, and tried to strangle me. AM I really defending myself against accusations of being an abuser!?

You can call me an abuser if you like. For years when I was in secondary school, all the way through it I was bullied. I was called stupid, a cretin, worthless. I was made to listen whilst I was laughed at and mocked. I was told that if one of the bully's was me they'd kill themselves. I was the one that no lad would admit to liking and would make vomit noises. And because I had very significant difficulties with being able to show emotion, to ask for help, to initiate talking (and still do) I had no way of defending myself. I would metaphorically and physically withdraw, but it did no good.
Until I got to the sixth form and there was a sponsored sports event. Including a hockey game. And I got into a tackle (or whatever it's called) with one of the bullies and deliberately went hell for leather with the utmost hope that instead of hitting the ball I would hit his ankles.

i did clarify that point immediately, valium, when i realised that it could also read like the opposite of what i was saying.

not on my part clare. i responded to queens question. i wasn't invalidating anyone's viewpoint. i didn't ask the question.

Oh and you knwo the saddest part? - He has just bought my youngest sister a flat. And she speaks to him the same way as mother does. :(

i'd reply on the other forum
and if being a degree educated professional is so cool why can't you spell violence op?

GetTheXmasparty, are you seriously comparing a child hurting you by accident with a partner deliberately terrorising you??

Wow. Dunno what to say. Lot of people with no clue. Must have read a handbook or something though...?

giraffes, i would not like you to think that i do not take female-on-male violence seriously - i just do not agree with QG's rather adolescent line, given that it doesn't come close to covering the psychology of all human relationships.

"IloveitwhenyoucallmeBoo, it stopped him mocking me and throwing my failures back in my face for about twenty seconds yes, so it was a form of relief."

and do you think that a man who abused his partner does not get any relief from 'shutting her up'?

can you see my point?

You really are clueless Iloveitwhenyoucallmeboo, my x could berate me for four hours without taking a breath. I said nothing. I just waited for it to be over.

Valium - no, of course you aren't .

This has become a very silly thread. I'm not actually sure everyone is really engaging on the same point.

People keep coming on here saying "hey man, violence is wrong, man or woman, adult or child" - can anybody PLEASE point me to ANY Post on this thread that disagrees with that sentiment?

All we are saying is that there are times were it is understandable given circs (not EXCUSABLE) and that isolated incidents of violence should not spell the end of otherwise strong relationships.

And to argue that you would behave the same way towards a child that scraped your toes by accident as you would to your DH who was pursuing you in an almighty row is just, well, it's silly isn't it? What a silly comparison to make. How can you say that a person would react the same in those situations.

did Qg ever bother to engage with McHobbes, btw? or did she just cut and paste and run on that one? (actually it looks like she didn't even cut and paste...)

aGree RamonaFlowers. hiding thread now.