If you hit your OH then YES you are as much an abuser as he would be if he hit you.

[QueenGigantaurofMnet]

I have just seen someone on another forum discussing how she couldn't possibly have been an abuser. she has only hit her husband twice (although the second time she hit him twice as she enjoyed the fear and shock in his face) in the 15 years of their marriage.

the rest of the forumn are telling her that it was ok. they are both "headstrong"

other are saying things like "i wish i could hit my oh"

It makes me feel sick.

Violance on a relationship is wrong. It is called Domestic violance, not man hitting wife violance.

if you have hit your partner then you ARE an abuser and you SHOULD be looking at ways to deal with your anger.

Im sorry but i am actually quite angry about this

spikey...lets get the hell out of here

smart arse should have the final word

love peace and happiness

spikey do not twist my words. i did NOT ask you if you understood my point. asked you if you could see it. tehre is a difference to acknowledging my point and understanding it.

OK Boo that's fine! This place can be very passive aggressive so maybe that's why I'm thinking insinuations are going on. Better to be paranoid than people taking the piss without you realising

there may well be insinuations going on but not from me. i will just tell you outright if i think you are thick

That's the style I prefer

Anyone who uses physical violence towards their partner is being abusive.

Someone up thread said that 'lashing out' was not the same as being an abuser, because the gravamen of domestic abuse is in the transfer of power from the abused to the abuser. 'Lashing out' is still an attempt to obtain a transfer of power, as has been exemplified by the accounts given in this thread: "I wanted to stop him calling me names" "He was coming after me and pushed a door over my foot".

If the person who has 'lashed out' is generally the abused, and not the abuser, then this power transfer is only likely to be temporary, and may be a futile attempt to equalise a power imbalance in the relationship. In a relationship that is supposedly loving, and violence free, even a small snatching of power will have an impact upon the dynamics of the relationship.

It is simply a fallacy to deny that physical violence in a relationship is not abuse. People who love and care for each other simply do not behave in a way that will cause pain or fear to their partner.

I do not think that if 'lashing out' is genuinely a one-off incident then the abused party must leave, but what must happen is for the abuser to recognise their actions as such and be prepared to work with the abused to make sure that any power imbalances in their relationship are addressed. It is not acceptable for the abuser to deny that they acted in an appropriate manner.

I do have sympathy for victims of either gender who 'lash out' after having been the abused person for a sustained period of time. However, just because they have been abused, does not also mean that they cannot be an abuser.

I do also realise how hard it is for people who have been abused (whether verbally or physically) for sustained periods of time to properly assess violence in a relationship. The trouble with justifying an abused person 'lashing out' is that it becomes harder (for the abused and for society in general) to condemn the violence of the abuser. If some violence from the abused can be justified, why not some from the abuser?

It is actually unhelpful to the person who is a victim of sustained abuse to say that it is ok for them to 'lash out' at their abuser. It is hard enough for an abused person to get their head around the wrongness of the abuse they suffer without having to deal with thoughts such as "if I can justify to myself why I just 'lashed out' at my partner- maybe there is some justification for why they hit me?"

Zero tolerance.

excellent post thistledew.

The day i 'lashed out' was the last day I lived in fear.

You can't compare a Mumsnetter to a court of law
SPIKKEYCOW you said

"You can't compare a Mumsnetter to a court of law"

No, but bloody hell a newcomer could be forgiven for thinking so

peace

Thistledew you said

"I do not think that if 'lashing out' is genuinely a one-off incident then the abused party must leave, but what must happen is for the abuser to recognise their actions as such and be prepared to work with the abused to make sure that any power imbalances in their relationship are addressed. It is not acceptable for the abuser to deny that they acted in an appropriate manner."

in reference to the OP, what the poster did not add was that the person she was on about DID recognise her behaviour was unacceptable , she was horrified and both her and her husband addressed it and moved forward to have 15 years of a happy stable relationship which continues to this day.It was an incident years and years ago which the OP suggested at one point that this person should get therapy for her anger!!! For a one off incident that happened years ago??
This person never EVER denied that their behaviour was inappropriate and took full responsibility for it. She did not blame anyone but herself for her actions which she acknowledged were wrong. She does however refuse to beat herself up daily for the last 15 years over it.Surely a much healthier mindset than the witch hunt that has gone on here for the last almost 24 hrs...

fit2drop the thread, whilst inspired by the other thread you mention is about hitting in general, not about the specifics of that poster's actions. i can't speak for thistledew but i was certainly not responding in relation to that particular relationship.

fit2drop, that particular case is not being addressed here. we are talking generally. there is no witchunt ffs

Whether to split after a one-off incident has to be a decision that the abuser and abused come to individually and together. In some relationships it may be a deal-breaker, other couples may be able to work through it and stay together.

There has to be a recognition that there is a serious lack of communication and/or respect in the relationship, and if both parties are committed to resolving the problem then therapy or counselling may be useful. Both parties will be left with the knowledge that the abuser has the capacity to hurt the abused.

I was/am referring to THIS thread ...
This thread being the one QG started last night......

yes but THIS thread is not specifically about THAT poster to which you refer.

THAT poster being mchobbes who was on BMC and said her DH pulled teh door over her foot.

but it isnt (and never really was) about that particular event. it is/was about the perception that violence is ok if it is the woman being violent.

"yes but THIS thread is not specifically about THAT poster to which you refer"

It may not be now, but the OP was certainly about Hobbes.

Omg, this thread totally lacks in sisterhood. I'm glad Posie came on to defend Spike.

Stop blaming women for their reactions to being abused, stop debating whether it's 'right' or 'wrong' to finally snap and lash out.

Women are being physically and emotionally abused RIGHT NOW up and down the country. We have a DV survivor on the board being told how her behaviour was wrong, being told she's attention-seeking and worse.

Priorities, ladies. Yes, men can also be victims of EA and DV but it's bloody rare. Google 'what about the menz' and hand your heads in shame, and I'm looking at you lissie and ilove

SGB came on and spoke total sense, and you all ignored her on your attack mission on women.

Really, shame on this thread.

no the OP wasn't. mchobbes' trhead on BMC is what inspired thsi thread and that is why it is mentioned in the OP otherwise if QG had just said

"Violance on a relationship is wrong. It is called Domestic violance, not man hitting wife violance.

if you have hit your partner then you ARE an abuser and you SHOULD be looking at ways to deal with your anger.

Im sorry but i am actually quite angry about this"

then everyone would be wanting to know what she was referring to that had made her say this.

Excellent post thistle. A much more eloquent versioon of what i have been trying to say, and what i think the OP was getting at

i will absoloutely not hang my head in shame. i have done nothing on this thread to be ashamed of. i am not one of the posters justifying violence.

misshellfoot i did not ignore SGB, in fact i think i adressed her post directly a couple of times

"Omg, this thread totally lacks in sisterhood."

I'm not sure I want to be part of a "sisterhood" which excuses violence

Self defence is one thing, attacking someone who isn't attacking you is another. And neither sex should be excused it - even if it is usually the other sex commiting the crime.

"Stop blaming women for their reactions to being abused"

we all have a choice in the actions we take. no one is blaming them for being abused, but how they react is their own choice so yes they should accept responsibility for what they do.