If you hit your OH then YES you are as much an abuser as he would be if he hit you.

[QueenGigantaurofMnet]

I have just seen someone on another forum discussing how she couldn't possibly have been an abuser. she has only hit her husband twice (although the second time she hit him twice as she enjoyed the fear and shock in his face) in the 15 years of their marriage.

the rest of the forumn are telling her that it was ok. they are both "headstrong"

other are saying things like "i wish i could hit my oh"

It makes me feel sick.

Violance on a relationship is wrong. It is called Domestic violance, not man hitting wife violance.

if you have hit your partner then you ARE an abuser and you SHOULD be looking at ways to deal with your anger.

Im sorry but i am actually quite angry about this

that is pretty much what i have been trying to say Custy

common assault? how do you work that one out?

I am not hoping to be excused actually Penelope. I don't care about whether people think I was wrong. I object to subtle digs

I am trying to get a friend who was and still is EA by her mother to fight back, be verbally abusive...anything to stop her feeling at nearly 40 that she's shit.

This is all too close too home/.

why dont you tell her to cut all ties with her mother? being verbally abusive back wont stop the EA, it will just be more ammo for her mother to throw back at her.

Obviously personal experiences aren't valid posie. We should shut up in case people think we're attention seeking

the discussion was about the general rule that your gender does not make violence right or wrong.

Of course we all bring personal experiences to every thread and obviously they have somehow moulded our views on a subject.

You are taking generalisations personally when there is absolutely no need.

In your friends position Posie i would say that to respond with equal aggression would neither help or heal the situation. she needs to cut ties with her mother and move on with her life without her. get herself to a better place where her mothers toxicity can no longer hurt her.

Well her mother has made her too dependent and even when she's beyond vile to her dd, my friend still feels guilty. It's a cycle of control/abuse

Of course someone subjecting their partner to abuse is in the wrong. But I'm not sure I understand why anyone had to prove to spikey that she was wrong, MN is suffering.

yes but you can still tell her to cut ties rather than tell her to give her mum more ammo. surely you want your friend's hurting to stop rather than continue even if she is shouting back?

you aren't the only two people to have personal experiences. so don't think you are.

and you don't have to have a personal experience to have an opinion.

has anyone actually accused you of attention seeking?

bgecause spikey doesn't think she is wrong, but some people think she was.

Are you directing that at me custy?

penelopestitsdropped >>> and you are right, all of my posts are deliberate. my fingers have not accidentally landed on the keys.

hey smart arse here is yet again another dig done consciously and intentionally aka deliberate to provoke

i think that was at spikey, posie.

who is that a dig at? i think you will find it is a response to a rather ridiculous comment.

posie the fact that your friend is so dependant on her mother would make any verbal attack futile. mother will become the victim and friend will feel yet more guilt and be open for yet more abuse.

The only way to end abuse of any kind is to get off the merry go round. to hit and be hit/shout and be shouted at...its just a cylce of shit unless you remove yourself from harms way.

Custardo. Penelope said I went off on a "self absorbed rant" and had done so on another thread. So is that not insinuating I'm an attention seeker then?
Fuck this. I'm not going on any more abuse threads. I'm not delusional, like I said before.

I've just realised other Mumsnetters have me down as an irrational thicko. I don't believe it. That's wrong aswell

no i think she said you were self absorbed rather than insinuating anything.

that is not to say i agree or that i don't agree - it is what it is

has someone called you an irrational thicko? that would be quite wrong

Self absorbed, attention seeking, same thing. There have been 3 or 4 instances on this thread where people have asked if I understand the points, if people really meant what I think they meant etc.
Just to clarify, I'm not stupid, I'm not irrational

I'm just walking into this aren't I

no they aren't the same thing, i think that you are projecting.

has someone called you irrational? or a thicko? becuase you do seem to be coming out with these statements quite often.

spikey i wasn't implying for one second taht your were stupid when i asked "do you see my point?" it is very clear that you are sure in your opinion that what you did at the time was right, however when we are so sure of what we think we can put up a block to other points of view. this is why i was asking if you could see what i was saying. i was not implying you were thick or stupid.

They don't need to call me it. They are asking if I understand the points made (thicko)and asking if I'm right in my thoughts on what people have said (irrational). If it's happened a number of times what am I meant to think?
It's fine if people have that impression of me from my posting style but it certainly isn't the case