If you hit your OH then YES you are as much an abuser as he would be if he hit you.

[QueenGigantaurofMnet]

I have just seen someone on another forum discussing how she couldn't possibly have been an abuser. she has only hit her husband twice (although the second time she hit him twice as she enjoyed the fear and shock in his face) in the 15 years of their marriage.

the rest of the forumn are telling her that it was ok. they are both "headstrong"

other are saying things like "i wish i could hit my oh"

It makes me feel sick.

Violance on a relationship is wrong. It is called Domestic violance, not man hitting wife violance.

if you have hit your partner then you ARE an abuser and you SHOULD be looking at ways to deal with your anger.

Im sorry but i am actually quite angry about this

"if anyone had accused me of abusing my father in the few times I defended myself or verbally abused him to gain control "

as i said, self defence is not teh same as what we are discussing. and verbally abusing him is no better than him verbally abusing you. it may feel good and justified but it isn't any better.

penelope and her tits has made quite a few boak comments on this thread and some look also deliberate
double boak

Erm, you in particular were extremely rude Penelope.
And you don't understand that I am continuing to talk about my experience because people are asking me questions. How on this planet is that a self absorbed rant?

I love....you said that she was comparable to the abuser. In addition you stupidly talk about the only control being not to hit back/out. TBH you sound very naive and are annoying the crap out of me, along with the other muppet who said 'two wrongs and all that'. Google DV before you make yourselves sound any more silly.

And how is me talking about societal levels v personal experiences only talking about myself?

am i the only one that can see my name at the top left of my posts then? surely it is not too difficult to read my name. i am a little confused as to why you are unable to use it.

but meh.

What comment have i made that is so distasteful?

That to retaliate to violence with violence may be understandable but not excusable/right?

and you are right, all of my posts are deliberate. my fingers have not accidentally landed on the keys.

what abuser did i compare her to?

its passive aggressive penelope. trying to belittle you and your argument.

wrt your name i mean, and them purposelly getting it wrong, not being botehred to get it right.

Yes much as she did with her first pathetic post. My argument is mute? Wow

You are too dim for words Ilove. Justified doesn't even cut it, when you're life is lived in fear and you are constantly verbally and physically abused, these are the ways you can express control. So the few times I managed to get one over on my abuser then I won, it is that simple. Small victories.

because you persist in making the discussion about you and your experience.

you fail to see that if someone is experiencing DA, which by your description you were, you may well have felt justified in hitting back. but that does not mean that you were any less wrong for doing so.

if two children have a fight we don't tell one that it is ok as the first punch came from child A. we tell them both that hitting is wrong, that if he hit you you should tell an adult.

it really is the same in society. If someone hits you tell the police. don't hit back. It woont help the situation at all and it certainly isn't the rigth thing to do morally

doesn't make it right that you did though posie jsut because it felt good.

Your name is too many letters, I can't be arsed to read it, you have little to offer.

I am embarrassed for you.

Yes it does. It does make it right, I didn't set out the rules of the relationship,. I had to live by them though.

i think your embarassment should be reserved your own abusive comments towards me posie.

Oh FFS, how is this helping anyone?

Of course it's wrong for a human to hit another human, but life is not that straightforward.

The violence/DV we are talking about is routine, a method of control and domination, it's used to curtail and pull someone back under the thumb.

A partner that has been hit, abused, insulted with any luck will realise that it has to stop, and with that realisation often comes anger.

Spikey lashing out at her abusive partner is wrong in isolation, but perfectly understandable given the full picture. She napped and retorted in the language he had used with her.

When violence and intimidation are used to directly control and limit the life of another person this is undeniably wrong.

To snap and explode may not be the most constructive way of dealing with some situations, but sometimes when you are in that very situation, driven to the point of near insanity by the abuse, then it may be utterly understandable to retaliation in such a way.

Life is not always as black and white as we'd like it to be

If that was your point fine but why were you so rude about it? I fully understand every point made, and everyone gives opinions based on personal experience, you included. Don't make insinuations. If you want to call me a thick attention seeker just say so, don't make it subtle so you can call me paranoid after. That's low

Your argument is that you are justified in hitting your partner back because he was verbally abusing you.

we have all stated that whilst we can of course undertsand you were pushed that does not mean that to hit out would be right, although it could be understood given teh circumstances.

it has been answered many times. and yet you repeat it over and over in the hopes that we will tell you that you were right to hit back.

lets not descend into a squabble. it doesn't further the discussion it hinders it.

wrt spikeys situation, she wasn't immediatley in danger but lashed out in frustration.

my view is that this is wrong. understandable, but wrong.

because if a woman had been emotionally abusing her husband and he lashed out at her in frustration, i believe that would be wrong also.

to clarify, saying that action is wrong, does not mean the actions of spikeys ex were right either. they too were wrong.

i do not believe that this action of spikeys makes her an abuser or comparible to one. but i do not believe that her actions in that instance were right.

i do believe that most people would agree that to fightback during physical abuse is more than ok and is a different thing frm spikeys situation.

WhatMissHissy said.

You have no compassion Ilove, it's quite vile how you want to prove to spikey that she was wrong/. the only think wrong for spikey was to think she every had to accept that shit in the first place.

i agree custy.

this is getting silly.

people are throwing around the word 'abuser'and making a mockery of people who have suffered domestic violence.

people make mistakes and sometimes, their partners forgive them and they go on to live happy lives together. Sometimes, its not right to put a label on a person based on one particular situation that is outside their normal character.

i believe that the term abuser should be used on someone who continues to cause harm with intent.

most people on here have committed common assault.

life is not as straightforward as people here are making it out to be. if it was, murderers would never leave prison.

i absoloutely have compassion but i can also be realistic and look at this situation from an unbiased (which spikey cant) viewpoint and see that hit out in frustration and not self defense which is wrong.