If you hit your OH then YES you are as much an abuser as he would be if he hit you.

[QueenGigantaurofMnet]

I have just seen someone on another forum discussing how she couldn't possibly have been an abuser. she has only hit her husband twice (although the second time she hit him twice as she enjoyed the fear and shock in his face) in the 15 years of their marriage.

the rest of the forumn are telling her that it was ok. they are both "headstrong"

other are saying things like "i wish i could hit my oh"

It makes me feel sick.

Violance on a relationship is wrong. It is called Domestic violance, not man hitting wife violance.

if you have hit your partner then you ARE an abuser and you SHOULD be looking at ways to deal with your anger.

Im sorry but i am actually quite angry about this

Lest I be called cowardly, I'm off to walk the dog and run errands. And when DH gets home, I'm going to refrain from punching him in the face. Because that is NORMAL. (Oh did I leave out 'for us'? That was on purpose)

If you're saying that it's fine to hit your OH as long as it's exactly the same amount as they hit you, then I disagree. But what constitutes abuse is not what this is about.

2Would you feel the same empathy for a man who, during one isolated incident, "lashed out" through frustration, feeling "trapped" or whatever?

Feeling trapped, frustrated etc are normal human emotions which affect everyone SGB, not just us girlies. Would you exonerate a male beset (under these circumstances) who responded with physical aggression?"

Just wanted to repeat this post by TSH.

I am amazed that there are people out there who think violence by women is somehow less awful than violence by men.

I am so glad there are now some more voices of reason.

I was starting to think i really was mad and that i must be the one to have it wrong.

I am amazed that there are people out there who think violence by women is somehow less awful than violence by men.

not in principal, it is equally awful

but as you (some of you) keep on insisting on generalizations and simplistic dogma I can honestly say
until statistics show me that violent females have caused the same amount of damage, pain, death, terror, costs on welfare, long term damage on children and so on... Yes I will be naturally more sympathetic towards women as a whole, if this makes me a tosser ( replace with any word of choice) than be it

"until statistics show me that violent females have caused the same amount of damage, pain, death, terror, costs on welfare, long term damage on children and so on... Yes I will be naturally more sympathetic towards women as a whole"

So because more men than women do the attacking you think that the women who do attack their partners aren't as bad?

From TSH:
"""So women showing more sympathy to a woman who hits out at a man are possibly siding with the one they percieve as the underdog in the situation, lashing out because of being cornered and trapped""""

Would you feel the same empathy for a man who, during one isolated incident, "lashed out" through frustration, feeling "trapped" or whatever?

Feeling trapped, frustrated etc are normal human emotions which affect everyone SGB, not just us girlies. Would you exonerate a male beset (under these circumstances) who responded with physical aggression?

In an individual case of a bullied man lashing out against a bullying women, yes I would feel the same sympathy.
But, again, you're missing the point of why some women are more likely to defend women who hit out.
It's a sexism thing - women are the sex much, much more likely to be beaten by their male partners, so a lot of women see a woman hitting a man as a kind of group/class self-defence thing.
Adults shouldn't hit each other in anger, I don't think anyone disagrees with that. But in general, a woman who loses her temper with her male partner and hits him is less likely to leave him constantly afraid that she will do it again, whereas a woman who has been hit by her partner is often going to spend the rest of the relationship actively, constantly trying to placate and please the man so he doesn't hit her again. Men are not, on the whole, physically afraid of women's violence in the way that many women are afraid of male violence.

I know that this is not true in every case, that there are female abusers, male victims and that many people can be furiously angry with a partner without getting physical. But we DON'T yet live in a world of full sexual equality and some of the posts on here do have a little touch of 'Women, know your place. You are supposed to be both victims and men's moral superiors.'

I actually think that more women hit men than men hit women.

but because it is seen as a bit of a joke it is never reported or referred to in terms of abuse.

You don't hear people laughing recounting tales of when johnny got a bit jealous of mandy dancing with that fella o he thumped her...oh wasn't that funny.

but you do hear tales of women becoming jealous of their partner and throwing fists. peolpe just don't view it as a violent act because it is commited by a female to a male "victim"

so it is highly unlikely that you will ever see any statistics on female to male violence. That doesn't mean that it isn't happening.

justforone i think you should direct your sympathy at the victims of abuse, be they male or female. i think it is a bit closed minded to say that your sympathy lies with women because on the whole they abuse less than men. sympathy should be with the victims. not all women are victims, the same way not all men are victims. to give sympathy to a womam simply because she is a woman is patronising and sexist.

it is the first line of my post
Yes it is just as bad ( in principal )

Boo I am sure I have stated before that my sympathy is directed at the victims of abuse (but I will never ever see abuse the fight with my ex you know about) They are 2 different issues on here and keep getting muddled up so not much point in repeating myself i feel

then why do you say you are naturally more sympathetic towards women?

no sorry justforthis one, you did not claim to be sympathetci to the victims but to women as a whole.

""until statistics show me that violent females have caused the same amount of damage, pain, death, terror, costs on welfare, long term damage on children and so on... Yes I will be naturally more sympathetic towards women as a whole"

People can get equally muddled about racially-motivated violence, or at least violence which occurs between people of different races. A white person assaulting a non-white person is sometimes seen as acting out all the old sins of racial oppression/being a bigot etc whereas a person from an ethnic minority assaulting a white person is sometimes seen as 'striking back' or 'defending him/herself' even when the circumstances don't necessarily indicate this.
Not every incident of violence, whether among friends or strangers, carries all the baggage of race/class/sex opression, but nor is every incident of violence entirely clearcut, either.

I have not and will not defend hitting as an OK thing to do.

I do not think that the sex of the perpertrator makes a difference.

I do think that in some cases it is possible to re-build a healthy relationship after one party has lapsed into violence, depending on what happened. I would never wish to see a man or a woman remain in a relationship where there was fear, manipulation, power mongering etc, or an ongoing likelihood of violence.

I'm sick of the insults being levelled at anyone who discusses anything, and I haven't more to add than the posts I have made, so I'll hide the thread now.

Well I know I'm not as bad as my abuser was. Regardless of whether I slapped him or not.Or should female survivors of DV curl up on the floor and take it every time just so they can keep their "victim" status? My friend was regularly beaten with sticks. She was beaten 3 hours before she was due to have a c section. I heard her and her children screaming as they lived in the same hostel as me. One day she flipped and battered the shit out of him, violent thug that she is. Bollocks

And fucking offensive

spikey, noone is drawing comparisons between that level of abuse and your reaction to it. of course you werent as bad, that sounds horrendous. what Im saying is that a woman hitting a man is as bad as a man hitting a woman.

if the roles had been reversed in your situation and you were the abusive party you would be just as reprehensible as your ex was.

man or woman, it makes no difference. and of course theres a difference between defending yourself and lashing out in anger.

although, i do think that someone who is in an abusive relationship such as the one your friend was in should get out of it, rather than let it get to the point where you snap and "beat the crap" out of someone.

TSH: Until recently the abuse of women by men was institutionalized in society. A few centuries ago, women could be prosecuted, whipped and even executed for disobeying their husbands.
That doesn't happen now at least in the developed world, but it doesn't mean that women's overall generalised fear of male violence doesn't exist, whereas men do not fear female violence against them in general except in unusual circumstances (eg man who grew up with a physically abusive mother).

She's out of it now. I'm glad she fought back. It lessened her fear for a while. He'll probably move on to a 5 foot nothing stick who doesn't stand a chance now though

spectacularly missing the point of what is being said spikey.