If you hit your OH then YES you are as much an abuser as he would be if he hit you.

[QueenGigantaurofMnet]

I have just seen someone on another forum discussing how she couldn't possibly have been an abuser. she has only hit her husband twice (although the second time she hit him twice as she enjoyed the fear and shock in his face) in the 15 years of their marriage.

the rest of the forumn are telling her that it was ok. they are both "headstrong"

other are saying things like "i wish i could hit my oh"

It makes me feel sick.

Violance on a relationship is wrong. It is called Domestic violance, not man hitting wife violance.

if you have hit your partner then you ARE an abuser and you SHOULD be looking at ways to deal with your anger.

Im sorry but i am actually quite angry about this

I changed the words. from He to She. does it put a different spin on it?

who has said it was okay? seriously?

and the title of the thread was absolutely unequivocal. "If you hit your OH then YES you are as much an abuser as he would be if he hit you". i didn't see QG making exceptions for victims of sustained abuse, despite the fact that the law of the land does so.

and others are saying that it is ok.

Haven't got time to read this whole thing, but I do agree with the OP. There isn't any need for hitting, though we are all human and therefore basically flawed. I wouldn't tolerate continual abuse that inflicted pain and/or injury from anyone. And I don't think it does harm to discuss it on here.

My parents' generation thought a certain level of it was normal, and almost never discussed it (as far as I know) because of that. Discussion and debate raises it as being 'not normal', and therefore worthy of discussion.

It's up to individuals to decide, perhaps depending on the context, what physical behaviour they'll accept. And whatever we accept, we also teach our children that it's normal.

Incidentally, it's a subject that my mother and her friends will never discuss, it's the elephant in the room. For them to admit it's wrong would be to open a can of worms, and I believe that's one of the reason that abusers' parents will nearly always be in denial about what their little darling has done. It brings up too much for them, and would change everything.

it has been defended. do you really not see that?

did you read sgb's post, lissie? the fact that you can swap personal pronouns doesn't mean that the cases were equal in the first place.

'But I would say in general that anyone who gets hit once by a partner should examine his/her whole relationship before deciding whether to stay or go ie is this physical assault the culmination of a pattern of bullying, undermining behaviour?'

I agree with that, and would like to add that anyone that hits their partner, even once, ought to take a good look at themselves and not make excuses for their behaviour or try to diminish the seriousness of it.

The majority of adults get through their lives without being violent towards their partners, what makes you (and that's a generic 'you') the exception?

TSH ? Blu / Lissie : agree

If DH hit me I would probably walk; after an abusive vhildhhood I need to feel that I could (I wouldn;t but coul) hurl every obscenity in his face and be safe (as he could me).
I know that's true with DH in that he mistakenly, long ago, thought I was seeing someone else and did not raise a hand: had he done I;d be gone.
I don't think that has to apply to everyone though: but if someone hits you and you don't value yourself enough to expect real action to ensure it never happens again then that is sad. Whether you are male or female.

I have only boys; statistically I know the chances of them becoming abusive are higher than them being abused by their partners and indeed one does have anger issues related a SN and if he was in a settled relationship DH and I would keep a very tight watch indeed: we have discussed as much. They hve been raised to know that hittingunless you are doing so to avoid direct physical threat is wrong: and that applies to anyone doing it to them.

thanks for the sarcasm, lissie. no, i haven't seen that scenario being defended on here. i myself said it sounded vile.

Ok - can't step away. Damn it, knew I should have just kept quiet.

No one has said it's ok as far as I can see. Merely that circumstances need to be taken into account and that it is not a 'black and white' issue.

I think to single out one person's comments, out of the context in which they were said, in the OP is really not on. Just my opinion. I really am stepping back now. Things to do.

Sorry TSH / Blu etc- not TSH?

clare, it does make them equal. If I were to punch dh in the face it would be just as bad as if he were to punch me in the face. why am I repeating myself here?! It has been defended in the "it was a one off, she's lovely, its not the same" arguments.

'normal' very loaded. i think one would have to argue that some physicality in a male-female relationship is 'normal', in global population terms.

Normal doesn;t equate to right and we are not debating the global population are we?

Normal should equate to the absence of physical threat wherever you live, but we have to start with our own homes, then streets etc.

exactly my point, lis. in your relationship. not in everyone else's. god save us all from people who extrapolate everything from their own relationship and judge everyone else for not feeling the same.

so my relationship with dh is abnormal because no matter how verbal our arguments get (and Ive slated him often enough on here) neither of us has ever raised a hand to each other or pushed each other?

i think thats pretty sad.

sure, peachy. i am just pointing out that normal is a loaded term, and not particularly useful. i am not advocating violence as the norm.

Add message | Report | Message poster ClareVoyant Mon 24-Jan-11 10:27:10
exactly my point, lis. in your relationship. not in everyone else's. god save us all from people who extrapolate everything from their own relationship and judge everyone else for not feeling the same.

Im sorry, what are you trying to say?

okay, lissie. that's not what i said. i'm surprised you don't know that.

what do you not understand?

i think one would have to argue that some physicality in a male-female relationship is 'normal', in global population terms.

that implies that physicality is normal within relationships.

Agree with lissie, the whole 'I only did it once or twice and was really really sorry and we have a great relationship really' has been thrown in by more than one person, and has been defended by more than one person.

Would be completely a different story if a man had said the same thing. Those tales were not of women in emotionally abusive relationships, so that justification is out. Back to the same question Gigantaur asked before she left, why do we not shout 'Leave Her!' at the men in those situations!

I said that if I punched dh in the face it would be as bad as if he punched me. you said:

exactly my point, lis. in your relationship. not in everyone else's. god save us all from people who extrapolate everything from their own relationship and judge everyone else for not feeling the same.

how is it not the same in everybody's relationship? how is me punching dh different to my friend punching her dh? how on earth can relationships be that different? surely we all deserve to NOT be punched or hit or bullied because someone snaps?

I reckon statistically the 'norm' is no one getting punched in the face.

more spinning. i don't think punching anyone in the face is okay. don't believe i ever have or would.

but a wallop or a push might be eminently get-overable by a lot of people, without either party being an abuser.

i refer you once again to the sloganeering OP title. and to the psychology of abuse.